What do I do for you, readers? Well, I've gone high and low (OK, really just low) looking for unique stories to tell you each week. I've endured an inconceivable amount of hate mail and invective for such a small column. I've... well, that's really it. I've poked around and done some interviews and read a lot of poorly spelled hate mail. Wow, that's really not that much, is it? Why do you people put up with me?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my 100th column for Gapers Block, not counting the handful of features I've written. In case you're curious, I'm at just under 180,000 words, about 115,000 of which were involved in a pun of some kind (my personal favorite: "30 Years In Mell").
I was thinking of throwing a hissy-fit like Terrell Owens did when the Eagles didn't put on a Queen's-Jubilee-esque gala for his 100th touchdown catch, but decided against it because I have the vague sense that I'm on my editor's and fellow Gapers' last nerve as it is.
So I had a lot of ideas about what I was going to do on this, the day of my 100th Column. Write a hilarious parody of myself using all 100 of my column titles? Use the first letters of the words in "Revenge of The Second City" to write one of those obnoxious "R is for..." poems? How about one of those wildly self-indulgent "I've learned a lot about myself," things, despite the fact that I have not, in fact, learned a lot, or even anything, about myself? I even considered just compiling all of the typos in all of my columns, but figured that would also simply piss of my editor.
However, in the spirit of self-indulgence for which I have become famous (by which I mean "annoyed my friends"), I would like to share with you some of the correspondence that has made this column what it is today.
9/2/03
"Ramsin- Going to bed soon, just wondering if you had a column."
-Andrew
9/26/03
"Good thing I'm not a stickler for plagiarism..."
–Gail Mansfield, Near West Gazette
10/1/03
"There are journalists in Chicago who write about the same topics you do, but take the time and effort to spur people in to action. It isn't enough, but it's something. What are you doing, besides sitting idly by and remarking about how well the redevelopment of the latest "cool" neighborhood is going?"
-Northsidesoxfan
10/8/03
"Ramsin, just writing to see if your column was ready."
–Andrew
10/16/03
"Ramsin, If I want sports writing, you're number 5,000 on the list. Fuck the White Sox and Fuck You. Go Cubbies!"
-Anonymous.
11/25/03
"Column?"
-Andrew
1/24/04
"Ramsin, ...okay, okay, we get it, you think Blair Hull is going to win."
–Jill, Chicago
3/2/04
"I find most liberals to be hypocrites. A party that preaches tolerance, and yet the average member seems to have so little for any view that opposes their own."
-Christiana
3/5/04
"Readers beware, Ramsin Canon heavily favors Blair Hull, and [his profiles] all slant opinion in this direction. Do not base your primary vote solely on these articles."
–"Hot Karl" Marx
3/12/04
"Who the heck is Ramsin Canon? He/she/it writes in the style of the Jew, given he/she/its obvious sympathy to queer "marriage" and other issues. May this insignificant piece-of-crap website have a quick and unceremonious death."
–"The Patriot"
5/25/04
"Column?"
-Andrew
6/24/04
"Dear Chicken Little, You forgot to mention how Sam Walton will rise from the dead to lead the four horsemen of the apocalypse down Michigan Avenue, destroying the city in their wake."
-Steve
7/21/04
"Y'know, Rasmin, if you open up a little wider, you might be able to fit even MORE of Clinton's penis in your mouth. Sure was a nice hummer you gave him in your review of his book."
- Anonymous
"The unfortunate risk of knowing more about something than most of the people around you is that you end up acting like you know everything."
–Gabriel
9/1/04
"Ramsin - you write naively about Chicago politics and expect credibility on national politics. Stick to articles about drinking. That is an area where your integrity is unquestioned."
-Johnny
10/21/04
"Dear Ramsin, I read your column and it was great..."
–My Dad
10/27/04
"Ramsin, You complain about the "baby with the bathwater" problem of condemning government waste in the specific then assuming private efficiency in the general. Then you proceed to condemn privatized corruption in the specific (trucks) and then assume public transparency in the general."
–Brian
3/9/05
"No column this week?"
–Andrew
5/26/05
"Ramsin- Thank you for finally outing mayonaisse. I hate mayonaisse too."
–Jacob
10/5/05
"Maybe being a jerk is what it takes to get over the massive inferiority complex Sox fans seem to suffer from."
–B. Buss
10/5/05
"What kind of name is Ramsin Canon? You sound like a total stroke."
–Dan
11/8/05
"Hi guys: I'm still waiting on your columns, but I'm going to bed. I'll post them tomorrow once I receive them."
-Andrew
Cheers, everybody! And thanks for the patience, Andrew.
