Yale Alumni for Truth
FROM: DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe
To: America Coming Together (ACT)
CC: Parterniship for America's Families
Moveon.org
Big Labor
CLEARANCE: CONFIDENTIAL; FOR YOUR EYES ONLY!
Script for campaign ad of "Yale Alumni For Truth," a "non-partisan" 527 group opposed to the reelection of George W Bush.
OPEN: Grainy black and white photograph of George W Bush, ca. 1968, in a Yalie sweater, cheering on the home squad.
VOICEOVER:
People say George W. Bush is a good wartime leader. But when the chips were down and the Sigma Alpha Mu's kept taking pictures of their balls on our Fraternity Standard, George W Bush didn't stand firm. He totally went to their mixer with the Delts.
DISSOLVE TO: Old white man's paunchy face, wrought with anguish and regret. He speaks directly into the camera.
V.O. [cont]:
I know because I was there. I saw him sniff a pound of blow off some co-ed's perky front meat.
CUT TO: Crisp photograph of George W Bush squatting next to a bonfire, pantsless.
VOICEOVER:
I remember, it sure. I'll never forget it. I was half a bottle of Chivas in the bag, after W killed the other half-plus freebasing a rail of carpetcleaner. He got reckless. Dropped trou in front of the bonfire and let loose with what he used to call a "Juicy Texan." The resulting ball of flame cinged the eyebrows off Winston Chesterton III's face, and burned at least one prostitute to death. He put us all in danger that night.
DISSOLVE TO: Slightly paunchier white man's face.
V.O.[cont]:
When we're faced with, the, uh, bonfire of, umm…economic instability, we can't depend on George W. Bush to, to well, not fart on it.
CUT TO: Full Color Photograph of a young George W Bush with his face glued to the floor, his pants around his ankles, and an empty box of Borax in his hand.
VOICEOVER:
I know, because I was there, that George W Bush lacks the moral authority to lead. He says he wants to ban gay marriage. But he sure didn't seem to oppose anything gay during Hell Week. And after he'd mainline two scoops of detergent, you couldn't keep him off those hairless young Freshmen.
CUT TO: Photograph of a young George W Bush holding two dripping hamburgers in his hands, a shotglass in his mouth.
VOICEOVER:
Compassionate Conservative? Yale used to admit a few poor southern kids every year-they called'em "charity cases." I remember because--
DISSOLVE TO: Sagging, pockmarked face of aging white dude.
V.O. [Cont.]:
I was there. I was one of those "charity cases." When we were getting our free lunches of oatmeal and tripe in the cafeteria, George used to come over with a huge tray of hamburgers. But they weren't beef. They were made out of Snow Leopard meat. He'd laugh while he ate them right in front of us-washing them down with shot glasses full of Do-Do Bird pancreatic fluid. He used Treasury Bills as a bib to keep the White Tiger blood he used as ketchup off of his shirt-which was made out of scraps from the original Shroud of Turin. He'd look at us with wild eyes and say, "Maybe if your granddaddy sold weapons to the Nazis, you could afford livin' like this!"
CUT TO: Black and white photograph of a young George W Bush angrily choking young co-ed
FEMALE VOICEOVER:
George W Bush has no sense of fairness or equality. I'll never forget the night-hot, sweaty, in the Pike house. We were all young then. Young and -- sure, scared. I'm not afraid to say it, we were scared. But we had pledged ourselves to do it, so we were going to follow through.
DISSOLVE TO: Grainy photograph of George W. Bush being held upside-down, beer keg tap firmly quenched between his teeth.
V.O.[Cont.]:
I went first. I lasted 32 seconds -- I remember, I counted. When it was his turn to go up, he snickered. I'll never forget it because--
DISSOLVE TO: Close-up of old white woman's face
V.O.[Cont.]:
I was there. He said, "No way this here skirt outlasts the ol' Sexin' Texan!" He only lasted 30 seconds. I won. George went crazy and started choking me, demanding a recount, saying he had actually been up for 34 seconds. Eventually, he had his dad call the dean, and he came in and declared George the winner. Can we trust this man to be president?
PAID FOR BY YALE ALUMNI FOR TRUTH THIS ADVERTISEMENT HAS NOT BEEN ENDORSED BY ANY CANDIDATE
The Dumuzi / September 1, 2004 2:23 AM
Weapons for Nazis? That all you got? The Borax was good, but that's way subtle for morons. We need a better Hammer.
How about that final 3 million for the Bolsheviks? What was that anyway, foreign aid to build free-standing walls?
Yo...Mengele...stem-cell this chunky!!!
(What...you didn't get that one either?)
This cell-line is not gonna die by itself, not ever. Another 80 years and this thing will still be jumping out of airplanes.
Twin heads, but joined at the hip? "Don't laugh, our fathers used to work at different jobs together."
It's judgement day. Get it done.
The Exterminator has spoken.