Although Craig's List is crazy, what with threesomes and glory holes and such, there's more mystery in the Announcements section in traditional newspaper classifieds.

Enjoy these three ads. One, a public notice for property removal. Two, a plea for Oprah tickets (fairly common, actually). And three, a prayer to St. Jude.

CONSUELO RIVERA REMOVE PROPERTY FROM GARAGE AT 910 N. PAULINA

Bettina honestly thought the dress looked better on her than on Consuelo. She stood there, in the dressing room, face to face with her best friend. Bettina crossed her toes inside her pumps, hoping that Consuelo wouldn't ask her how she looked. Because Bettina did not want to tell Consuelo that fuchsia was the wrong color for her. That it pulled too tight against Consuelo's three-baby stomach. That it just wasn't the right dress for her. But Consuelo, staring over her friend's shoulder at herself in the mirror, went ahead and asked anyway.

TICKETS NEEDED! FOR OPRAH WINFREY SHOW Anyday or any show. Please help! We pay and will be very generous, Anytime 847-XXX-XXXX or lv. msg.

The team knew they were in danger of losing the account. There had been the fuck-up with the billing and the thing with the typo. But Ingrid, the intern, remembered something she overheard the client say in the coffee room — that in all the times she'd been to Chicago to chew the team out, she'd never really gotten to see the city. Ingrid was hungover that day, and thought how sad that was, that this forty-ish career woman was so pissed off instead of enjoying the rhythm of a new city. So when the team began to pack up and declare defeat, Ingrid tried one last move.

THANKS TO ST. JUDE for prayers answered. Claudette Vitu

He came through the operation. And even though Claudette prayed for him, she hoped that something might go wrong. She didn't want him to lose the weight, to reconsider her, and to move on. So Claudette continued to pray, when fasting might have done her better.