Bulls Sat Feb 25 2012

As The Bulls Turn: Adidas Just Made Derrick Rose Richer Than God

By Brian Lauvray

Mase, only one of the many things Derrick Rose can now afford to buy.

Chicago Bulls point guard, Derrick Rose, signed a lifetime contract with shoe and athletic apparel provider, Adidas, on Friday afternoon. The deal guarantees Rose a $185 million minimum for the life of the 13-year contract with incentives that could push the total to over $200 million. For the Association's reigning MVP, who is currently soaking up the scene in Orlando for the All-Star break, the new shoe deal (on top of his lucrative max deal signed last offseason, which is worth an approximate $94 million), well, let's just say Derrick Rose is a very wealthy young man. Via an exclusive and anonymous source, Gapers Block and Tailgate have learned of an entire dossier of Derrick Rose's wants and dreams. A wish list, if you will, that is now wholly in his grasp for making a reality.

Exclusive Top Secret Wish List of Derrick Rose

• The state of Indiana.
  Following a mid-January defeat to the Pacers at home, and the Pacers' subsequent celebration, Rose made it clear to the media he was not happy about the mid-court fete. What was not revealed was his burning desire to buy the state of Indiana. "Now you can, Derrick." Purportedly, the state will be divvied up amongst Rose's kin, with the northern half being considered as a vacation estate for his mom, Brenda.

• A Zeus Ocana 2000 Road bike (modified)
  Infuriated by LeBron James riding his mountain bike from his home to the AmericanAirlines Arena before the matinee tilt against Chicago -- infuriated, not by the hubristic notion or even a sublimated notion of disrespect -- but by James' gauche ownership of something as busted as a mountain bike; Rose vowed to purchase a classically elegant Zeus frame. Custom-made wheels, Rose opted for a higher seat stem to accommodate his taller-than-average frame and also opted with Cinelli cork tape on the handlebars.

• Pack Of Velociraptors To Call His Own
  Ever since first watching Spielberg's classic, "Jurassic Park" as he sat akimbo in his childhood, Englewood home, Derrick Rose has been hell-bent on owning a pack of raptors. Not only are the feisty, ravenous, razor-clawed, beasts the inspiration for Derrick's style of game; they are, according to him, the animal he most closely identifies with. Additionally, Rose plans to utilize the raptors as training partners in the off-season once a kevlar, puncture-proof basketball is invented.

• Dr. Henry Wu
  "You can't make some raptors, without buying a paleo-geneticist with the brains to fix broken dino DNA with frog DNA." Rose ain't nobody's fool and he knows Dr. Henry Wu is his best chance at getting the pack of velociraptors. Sure, Wu died in the novel, but Derrick bought the rights to the book, rewrote it, and altered reality. He's worth that much money, people.

• The Naming Rights to the Berto Center
  Fed up with the tired, boring name "Berto" "Center" Rose has taken the bold step of renaming it every day for the rest of his lifetime. Two-fold boon for the Bulls practice facility: employment non-stop for experts in sign-building and tantalizing prospect of Luol Deng (the jokester!) naming it the Stool Sample Store some random January day in 2014.

• The Chicago Bears
  Feeling magnanimous, Rose decides to give something back to the people of Chicago by purchasing the Bears and firing the entire upper management while also decreeing himself as "all-time wide receiver" and offensive coordinator. He sells the team a year later after going 8-8 and feeling terrible for not finding an adequate backup to Cutler after Jay is knocked out for the year in Week Two.

• The Spruce Goose
  Fueled by the desire to let the masses experience the gift of flight and weightlessness he's been blessed with since birth, Derrick buys, restores, revamps and relaunches Howard Hughes' Spruce Goose as a tourist attraction. Moored at Navy Pier, the Goose offers daily flights over Chicago Land and Lake Michigan. $25 per head, entrepreneurs keep makin' money, toddlers.

• All-Skittle Everything Ferrari
  Infatuated with "tasting the rainbow" whenever and wherever he can, Rose (in 2010) was gifted a Skittle machine by Mars Inc. Now, armed with stacks on stacks of paper, Rose has had Skittles and Ferrari S.p.A. collaborate to build the world's first green, Skittle-powered, Skittle-upholstered, Skittle-paneled, luxury, sports car. Alas, even science couldn't help with the issue of residual stickiness and multicolored staining of the palms from the Skittle steering wheel.

• RoboCop Costume For Tom Thibodeau
  Noted aficionado of RoboCop and the guiding light in Derrick's life (aside from Brenda), Thibs was brought to tears by the custom-made RoboCop costume Derrick had specially ordered. Vowing to "never take it off, not even in the shower," Thibodeau has already petitioned the league for approval of wearing on the court and is practicing his "Freeze, creep."

• Baby "Birdman," aka #1 Stunna
  Infatuated with the "Brrrr" of Baby's jam with the Clipse, Rose bought out Birdman and now uses him as his personal alarm clock. Additionally, Derrick has commissioned Werner Herzog to reshoot and reinterpret the classic ("What Happened to that Boy"-soundtracked) T-Mac adidas commercial.