My Chicago Bucket List: Wholehearted Living

By Niki Fritz

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Bucket List Number 3. Have a moment of wholehearted living -- aka new hair and no more green onions

You know that moment of revelation; that moment you recognize a pattern and make a paradigm-changing conclusion about life; like when after years of "Our Fathers" you suddenly realize organized religion may be a sham; or when after searching for two guys, one girl threesomes yet again you realize you really just want to eliminate the whole boring girl part and be really gay; like after eating green onions for the hundredth time you suddenly get it, green onions give you horrible gas? You know that moment when you suddenly understand a new truth about life and the world is never the same?

Yeah, I know you know those moments. And I know you know they can really suck. They can be terrifying. They make you suddenly see a world of new truths, truths you may not be ready for.

After getting my ass dumped in an eerily familiar fashion last week, I had one of these moments. I suddenly realized with absolute clarity... that I date punk ass little bitches. OK, so in all fairness and honesty, it wasn't me who came to this conclusion but my kickass therapist who in the Lifetime movie of my life will have a British accent and will sit across from me on the couch and say, "Niki, it sounds like you are dating punk ass little bitches," and then sip her tea.

After trying to defend my punk ass little bitch exes for about two minutes I realized she was right. I date punk ass little bitches.

So I died my hair red.

It's not the first time I've resorted to physical changes in order to try to change the internal design. Please see the diagram below for detailed timeline of the many breakups and hairstyles of Niki Fritz.

The thing about realizing you have been dating punk ass little bitches is realizing you are actively seeking out, pursuing and then consequently dating punk ass little bitches; essentially making you a punk ass little bitch yourself. And that is the realization I really had while sitting in my hair stylist's chair; I am a terrified punk ass little bitch who has been dating guys afraid of growing up/getting hurt/their own shadow, because this is easier than dating someone whole and real and unafraid of the world/a relationship/me.

But luckily the New Year is brilliant. It is like a first day of school or any birthday after 21 or that morning after a breakup when your eyes are raw but your sinuses finally clear. It is a new start. It is a time when you can see the pattern and change it.

I've changed my hair to change my mind. And after dating A LOT for the past year (over 12 official dating-partners counted), I've decided to date myself for a while, literally. I'm going to ask myself what I do for a living, what my dreams are and what I'm looking for in a partner and I'm going to try to be honest with the answers. I'm going to shave my legs for myself and take myself to my favorite of couple activities, brunch. I'm going to be comfortable being alone because I'm really with myself.

Not that I won't be hopefully dating other people too. The lure of free online dating is too strong for my curiosity. I'll be joining the ranks again of the online daters but this time hopefully having a little better idea of who I am and who I want.

It's officially 2012 and I'm swearing off green onions for life. I've spent way too much time being gassy.

Addition to Bucket List
#26 Date self more

Photo #1 for Gma

Caption: It snowed Grandma! Finally! And after being really pretty for about 3 hours, Chicago got sloppy and I remembered why I don't drive in this city.

Previous Entry: The List
Next Entry: Surviving and Thriving at Singles Events in Chicago