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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, July 20

Gapers Block

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Dear The Cubs,

Please find enclosed my official resume and application for the position of General Manager of the Chicago Cubs, subsidiary of the Tribune Company. I realize that this position has not been publicly offered, but my sense is that it will be very soon. And, judging by your track record of giving this job to people who have as much baseball common sense as Paris Hilton has common sense period, I figured I have as good a chance as anybody at getting it.

Because, unfortunately for you, this life-long White Sox fan could have saved your team years ago. Don't get me wrong: I don't want The Cubs to do well. I just want Cubs fans — real Cubs fans — to see what it's like when your baseball team actually cares about, you know, baseball. Also, I have a few friends who are Cubs fans, and it's getting more and more embarrassing listening to their whack-a-doo arguments as to why you'll ever be a real team, and not a play-pretend team. And finally, your team has the word "Chicago," in its name, and therefore I have a moral obligation to stop them from embarrassing the city all the time.

As you'll note, the most prominent related job experience on my resume is "Prophetic Baseball Fan." You'll find under the "Accomplishments" heading such items as these:

• In 2000, said, "Kerry Wood throws hard, but his location is just average and he'll only get worse as he gets older. Also, he"s glass bones."
• In 2004, said, "Nomar Garciaparra will never play a full season for you. He's glass bones."
• In 2003, said, "Signing half of the Pittsburgh Pirates doesn't make Jim Hendry a genius."
• In 2003, said, "Corey Patterson? Gah-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
• In 2003, aptly nicknamed your pitching staff:
  - Kyle Farnsworth: "Fasty Mcshitpitch"
  - Dave Veres: "Autmoatic Runs"
  - Mike Remlinger: "Whitepatch O'Blownlead"
  - Antonio Alfonseca: "Six Finger Badthrow"
  - Carlos Zambrano: "Jesus, Take It Easy."
  - Joe Borowski: Joe "I'm Gonna Hurt Something And Never Come Back-ski"
  - Shawn Estes: "Shawn Who-stes?"
&bell; Said, "George Bell for Sammy Sosa? All right, now you"re getting somewhere."
&bell; Said, "John Garland for Matt Karchner? Gah-ha-h-ah-ha-hahh-ha-ha-ha!"
&bell; Said, "The Cubs losing Matt Clement to free agency is like losing Elton John to a woman."
&bell; In 2004, said "Hey, The Cubs, you know what grown people don't do? Blow up baseballs at theme restaurants."
&bell; In 2005, said, "Firing Steve Stone because your team sucks is like hiring Dusty Baker because your team sucks."
&bell; Said, "Mark Bellhorn? Gah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

So, you may be thinking, you're good at predicting things that our most talented baseball minds couldn't figure out if their jobs depended on it, which they do. What will you do for us lately? To which I would reply, first of all, that that's terrible grammar. I would follow that up with the following, my first orders of business once I get the job:

1. Dusty Baker will be contractually obligated to snort a line of Vivarin before each home game.

2. Corey Patterson will be contractually obligated to snort a line of Aderol before every game.

3. Carlos Zambrano will be contractually obligated to drink a Big Gulp of elephant tranquilizers before each start.

4. Will personally buy every home ticket and resell them for face value.

5. Instead of ivy, outfield walls to be covered in mirrors so fans have to watch the damn game.

6. To be admitted into stadium, fans must name any four Cubs players from the period 1897 to 2002.

7. Shut down Wrigley Field for a week to allow Harold Ramis to come in with Ectometer to finally prove or disprove existence of curse, so fans will shut the hell up about it already.

8. Replace 7th Inning Stretch song with five minute hitting tutorial, presented by Frank Thomas.

9. Plant 3,000 lilacs, hang 15,000 air fresheners, install 10 gross of Illuminations™ brand scented candles, place economy-sized box of Arm & Hammer™ beneath every seat, water the field with Febreeze™, and install 500 metric ton air deionizer behind homeplate. Because your stadium smells like shit.

10. Replace Sleepy Baby Bear Pajamas logo with... anything else.

11. If all else fails, move the team to Coal City, Illinois, redub them the "Crappy Sox," and turn Wrigley Field into Luis Aparicio Memorial Park, where young South Siders can run the bases and get their pictures taken with cardboard cutouts of Rons Kittle and Karkovice (on Wednesdays, actual Ron Karkovice!)

For all these reasons, I hope you will seriously consider me for the position of General Manager of the Chicago Cubs, a subsidiary of the Tribune Company.

Ramsin Canon

P.S. I will not be attending any games.

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About the Author(s)

Ramsin Canon covers and works in politics in Chicago. If you have a tip, a borderline illegal leak, or a story that needs to be told, contact him at .

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