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TODAY

Wednesday, December 11

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Airbags

Thank goodness — no, thank God — for the American Center for Law & Justice, the Christian Coalition's counterpart to the American Civil Liberties Union. They are trying to strike down an Illinois law that requires pharmacies (not pharmacists) to dispense emergency contraception to women requesting it, rather than subject them to the humiliation and possible danger of being rejected by a moralist pharmacist, and then go running around town looking for somebody willing to indulge them their craven sinfulness.

Just imagine a world where a grown woman can just saunter her hussy self into any pharmacy and get some baby-killing pills just because she feels like it.

Really take a second to think about what a world like that would look like! I mean, it would be one thing if, say, date and acquaintance rape was common — like, say, 25 percent of women being victims at some point in their lives — and such rape is more often than not unprotected. If that were the case, and if victims of acquaintance rape were often faced with feelings of such deep shame and guilt that they can barely get themselves to admit to anybody that a crime has even been committed, then we would have to question why it would be OK for some self-righteous pharmacist to basically call them a whore in a public space and refuse them a medicine they requested.

But let's just skip all this tip-toeing around the issue here. Obviously, the only people seeking these "emergency contraception" medications like Plan B would be, well, let's say, "women of loose moral character." Or, better, "sluts." This is a pill that creates its own demand! Knowing they could just go get their Plan B at any time, women would be running around willy-nilly, pouncing on us men on El trains and in Quiznos men's rooms, or when we're working late at the office and the cleaning lady has left for the night and...

Sorry, getting a bit flustered there. Whew.

Anyway. To get back to my point. We can't let women get away with all this consequenceless fun. I know what you're thinking: aren't we pushing for this at the same time as we're all forced to watch and listen to an average of six hours a day of advertising for erectile dysfunction medication, urging men to better please their women? Don't get confused. Erectile dysfunction is totally different: I mean, do you know how embarrassing that is?! It's nothing like emergency contraception. C'mon, men are supposed to be frisky all the time. It's womankind's job to fight us off. And if they can't, well, shame on them!

But really this is just Phase One of our master plan, which I call "Operation Barefoot." Today we make it OK for a pharmacist, who is an integral part of the health care system in our country, to deny a pill meant specifically to protect the health of women. Eventually, we make it legal to limit how and where pharmacies can sell the drug and where (for example, requiring permits or special licenses). After that, we implement regulations that limit funding and resources for any entity that offers the medication freely without burdensome restrictions (like, for example, permission from the woman's partner). Eventually, it will become so difficult to get the damn pill, these randy alley cats will just give up completely and learn to behave.

I think you know where this is going. That takes care of the Pregnant part of our plan. Next up is the Barefoot element of this offensive. Personally, I don't like the suggestive footwear that today's modern woman wears. I mean, I was "down" with those Ugg boots — covering all the way up to the calf muscle. A nice, decent, American shoe. But lately, even in the cold, I've been seeing a lot of these Mary Jane style shoes. How am I supposed to concentrate at work with all those bared ankles and milky smooth feet tops? How is any man? Don't even get me started on heels, which may as well be cloven hooves and come with a free pitchfork. Evil! The point of this is, women cannot be trusted to choose their own shoes. The only solution is to force them to remain barefoot. Of course, it would be cruel to allow barefoot people to go out into city streets covered in shards of glass and hypodermic needles, so they'll probably just have to stay at home — ah well, two birds with one stone!

I have to say, Phase 2 of Operation Barefoot and Pregnant will be a little difficult. Especially because I imagine the powerful shoe lobby, backed predominately by homosexuals who design the shoes and the Red Chinese who produce them, will resist us tooth and nail in pursuit of the almighty dollar. But I have no fear, so long as radical groups like the purposefully blandly named American Center for Law & Justice are on the case. Besides, at that point, women will all be so exhausted from all the birthing, they won't have the energy to resist us.

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Comments

amyc / December 21, 2005 6:25 AM

It's actually the American Center for Law & Justice, run by Jay Sekulow, which sounds like "secular" but totally is not. It's one of "Rev." Marion "Pat" Robertson's many puppet organizations.

I'll get back to the kitchen now.

waleeta / December 21, 2005 8:13 AM

Conservatives seemed oddly obsessed with two things: Women's vaginas (and what they do with them) and Clinton's penis. Weird.

Scrotes / December 21, 2005 9:52 AM

If conception has already occurred when you take the morning after pill, you're going to get pregnant. It has nothing in common with abortion; it's just like the birth control pill. If you're a religious nutjob and are against the birth control pill, fine, but don't lie to everyone and Plan B clinical abortion.

Jason Maslanka / December 21, 2005 11:38 AM

Waleeta,

It's not weird, actually. It's similar to the plight of 15-year old boys. If you're not getting any sexin', then you can't help but think about it night and day.

Ramsin,

Terrific satire. I loved it. It was satire, wasn't it?

Andrew / December 21, 2005 11:43 AM

ACL&J name fixed. Sorry about that.

DCE / December 22, 2005 1:06 PM

Ugg boots are from Australia. Just what kind of an American are you?

I suspect all this pleasant talk of morality and the sanctity of life is just cover for a guerilla marketing campaign! Ingratiate yourself with the moral majority and then sell em' soft, comfortable footware manufactured by floozies from a prison colony! Well it's not going to happen on my watch, no sir.

You can fool some of the people . . .

a / December 27, 2005 5:54 PM

feminist baby killers have no sense of humor.

 

About the Author(s)

Ramsin Canon covers and works in politics in Chicago. If you have a tip, a borderline illegal leak, or a story that needs to be told, contact him at .

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