By now it's a cliché that there are 500 TV channels with nothing on. Examining that trend, The Critic turns its eye toward the edges of that spectrum to find out what niche programming is out there.
HESHERVISION
Cable TV's greatest strength is its ability to reach a specialized audience. There are so many ways to be Metal these days — most of them lame — that a station just for "Metalheads" isn't enough.
Because there's Metalheads... and then there's Heshers.
Enter HESHERVISION: The station by, for and about heshers! If you ever stood out in the rain for three hours to get tickets to see Iron Maiden — without Bruce Dickinson — HESHERVISION is made with your rotting mind in mind!
The station plays few music videos, focusing instead on helpful lifestyle programming. For instance, Ozzy on Ozzy (Sundays, 9pm), hosted by The Dark Lord himself, sifts through the dozen or more documentaries, specials and reality shows made about Osbourne and his family each week, suggesting the two or three that are must-sees.
Meanwhile, The Speedway Gourmet (Saturday, 2:30pm) provides helpful tips for making a can of Spaghetti-Os stretch for two meals, shows off some spicy new tricks to liven up that boring old microwave burrito, and tempts us with a delicious no-bake Dolly Madison snack-cake "mousse." Also, tune in to find out which brand of cooking wine in mom's pantry will fuck you up the best!
Talk shows dominate evening programming. Take, for instance, Oh No, It's Dio! (Tuesday, 8pm) hosted by the terminally bitter Ronnie James Dio. The talk got dull, but I enjoyed the house band, which featured "that guy from later Motley Crue," "that second guy to replace Roth in Van Halen after Hagar," "The singer from the Priest tribute band that fuckin' sounded just like Halford, then replaced him for a while," Jason Newstead, and many other special guests.
Game shows! HESHERVISION has plenty. Best is Name My Grindcore Band! (Monday, 8:30pm) Contestants throw two darts at a board emblazoned with words like "Bleeding," "Annihilation," "Savage," "Hemorrhagic," "Infanticide" and so on. Be true with your aim, though, or you'll have to call yourselves "Narcoleptic Coffin"!
But it's not all leather and lace for HESHERVISION. Backward Sabbath, (alternating Sundays, 1-5pm) a marathon of wholesome family entertainment run backwards to discern Satanic undertones, is more entertaining in theory than practice; Double-Kick-Drum Calisthenics, (weekdays, 11:30am) with ex-Napalm Death Mick Harris, is of limited appeal; and a back-to-school fashion report called None More Black (Sunday, 4:30pm) makes its point in the first five minutes of a 60-minute "special."
Most promising new show is the intriguing Apology Line (weeknights, 7pm). Here, bands that have cool-sounding metal names but still fucking suck (like Lizzie Borden and Jag Panzer) apologize into a camera for being such total suckasses despite their misleadingly good names. The show will continue indefinitely until all ills against True Metal have been redressed.
Merely throwing up a devil-horn-hand-sign for HESHERVISION seems inadequate. Therefore, I'd like to give this promising new station my highest recommendation: two devil-horn-hand-signs, tongue extended!
-C. M. Sienko
ChildProof: The Safety Network
A recent press release for ChildProof calls the new network "compelling viewing for parents who care." Of course, who could possibly care more about child safety than the executives and creative directors of this high-concept channel, not to mention the extensive list of consulting doctors, nurse practioners, therapists, allergists, licensed clinical social workers and emergency medical technicians. From the "parental discretion" screen that runs before every show to the twice-hourly promo clip with the snappy catchphrase "Don't touch that!" it's clear that ChildProof's programming aims to be vigilant.
It goes without saying that cautionary tales are popular on ChildProof, as evidenced by riveting documentary shows like What's In My Toddler's Nose? and Their Eyes Stayed That Way. Naturally these shows aren't for everyone, but anyone who has ever watched their local evening news and was dismayed that the "Family Safety Special Report" segment wasn't nearly as horrifying as the teaser implied will not be disappointed here. Two words: escalator danger. You'll think twice about getting on the "mall mangler" after that episode!
Although currently ChildProof is best known for this kind of programming — Parents Magazine recently dubbed it "The Learning THE HARD WAY Channel" — the network is beginning to add safety-oriented shows for children, too, with mixed results. The innovative animated series The Dukes of Choking Hazard follows the hilarious antics of two "good old boys" who love to put dice, Legos and bottle caps in their mouths while The Sheriff of Heimlich County tries valiantly to stop them from eating too fast. "Chewing's the law!" he frequently sputters. Crazy as it sounds, Dukes has an anarchic charm that just might make it the next SpongeBob SquarePants.
More typical, though, are shows like Captain Keepaway, which appears to be a children's variety show in the classic tradition of Bozo's Circus and Pee-Wee's Playhouse, with a live studio audience and a fun-loving host�in this case, Captain Keepaway, whose trademark look is a fisherman's cap and a colorful sweatshirt emblazoned with the words HELLO, I'M A STRANGER! Though "The Captain's" admirable rapport with kids makes him a genuinely friendly presence on the set, much of the show is devoted to reminding viewers that he is not, in fact, a friend. At the beginning of every episode he proposes "an adventure." "How would you like to visit a farm?" he calls out, prompting the audience of children to respond with a chorus of "No! Leave me alone!" Kids who stand up and share fun facts like, "Ponies have deadly bacteria so you shouldn't pet them," are rewarded with candy (which of course they never take.) While it certainly appears to be an informative show, one can't help but notice "The Captain's" enthusiasm wane with every new episode. Though the ChildProof network embraces a "better safe than sorry" philosophy, one wonders whether it's worth it to be so safe with programming as sorry as this.
-Wendy McClure
Bum Makeover Challenge
The TV makeover has devolved into a matter of strict formula: you take a batch of clueless, poorly dressed schlubs, add one or more teams of flashy metropolitan (preferably gay) "style experts," add a wardrobe budget, a couple of bitchy consultations, and finish with a big reveal.
But how many times can we remake the same dowdy suburban hausfraus, the same slovenly computer programmers, the same freshly fit formerly fat folks before all of that seems, well... out of style? How long until we really start seeing some challenges?
Bravo's Bum Makeover Challenge ups the makeover ante... and then some.
Two teams of four — one style consultant, one etiquette guru, one clinical psychiatrist, and one dentist — are presented with a collection of pre-screened male vagrants (a spinoff remaking females in already in the works). After a coin toss settles first pick, each team picks their man and goes to work, remaking, primping, counselling and coaching each man to the week's goal. In the first two episodes, the goals are, respectively inconspicuous attendance of an Oscar party and employment in a savings and loan. Think of it as My Fair Guttersnipe.
The inaugural season begins promisingly enough, as tuberculoid alcoholic "The Mick" squares up against Tourette's sufferer "Racecar" in a challenge to see who can blend in better at a P. Diddy Oscar® bash. After a whirlwind week of image overhauls, rigorous charm school classes, tearful Freudian therapy and extensive orthodontic surgery, the duo are thrust into a glamorous Hollywood party to see which ersatz Eliza Doolittle can pass as a princess. (Though not before Diddy himself offers a heartfelt peptalk... as well as a stern warning not to "disturb the sexy.")
Racecar's dapper Hugo Boss attire, polished (if occasionally spasmodic) dance skills, and (ironically enough) his compuslive shouting of vulgarities make him a hit with rapper Lil Jon's contingent, seemingly staking his team to an early lead. But when The Mick overcomes the stigma of soiling himself to emerge with a date with Tara Reid, the tables are turned.
Future episodes include the aforementioned S&L challenge (you haven't lived until you've heard a paranoid schizophrenic hold court on Fannie Mae!) and a showdown to net a reality television development deal. In each episode advance screened by The Critic, producing team Gerring & Brawn (also co-creators of the syndicated Humiliate Your Your Mother for Cash) finds new and riveting ways to push the makeover envelope. You won't want to miss a single, pathos- & hilarity-drenched second.
Move over Fab Five — you are so last year!
-Sour Bob
