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TODAY

Thursday, July 19

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Detour

Gapers Block occasionally receives submissions from readers, offering their perspectives on places and events going on in the city. In this edition of the Critic, we're publishing two reader-submitted reviews we received recently. (Due to deadlines and the Bears game, we didn't proof these too closely. Gapers Block takes no responsibility for the opinions expressed within.)

01222007_hipstersupply.jpg

CELEBRATING OUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY -- THE CHICAGO HIPSTER SUPPLY STORE!!!

WANT BUG EYE GLASSES? WE GOT 'EM. All shapes, all sizes, now over 50% off due to lack of sunlight! Wear them at night to show your committment to eyewear!

CARTONS OF P-FUNKS. Smokes so cheap we don't even stock any other brand! When you buy a carton, we'll give you free matches from the Church of the Subgenius or Hulk Hogan. Lights, Ultra-Lights, and 100s available.

PARK DISTRICT T-SHIRTS!!! Soccer, softball, lacrosse! Cities you've never even heard of like Villa Park, Grayslake, and Midlothian! Most slightly worn and faded. BYO-B.O. That's body odor friend, and that kewl t-shirt needs it!

SLUTTY HIPSTER? WE SPECIALIZE IN TRAMP STAMP TATS!!! Our staff tatmeister Dean can hook you and your coin slot up with some kewl hipster decor.

EXCLUSIVE! IRA GLASSES. If you can't afford Showtime, you can look like you produce your own great radio show!

CRAFTY. iPOD cozies, PBR cozies, P-Funk ciggie cozies, knitting supplies for men and women! Make your own soap kits too!

NEED COMPANIONSHIP? We can't help with with your profile on nerve.com, but we can get you the perfect animal companian. Shoulder parrot? Got it! Chincilla? Got it! Handmade iguana costumes? Score!

The Original Hipster Supply Store is located just off Damen in Bucktown, or visit our outpost locations in Bridgeport and Ukranian Village!

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This One Bait Shop
Location Withheld
Near Fox River Grove

Jonny here! One of my worthless kids called me from the city there the other day and asked me to write up a little thing about this place that I like to spend time at. So here goes. I hope you cushy college kids enjoy that this working class stiff has to say about his favorite place out in the 'burbs.

So, yeah. Payday comes and I head over to this bait shop. (And I'm not gonna tell you the name of it. I'm not stupid. There could be cops reading this.) Let's just say this "bait shop" sells more than nightcrawlers and crickets. I go in there and shoot the shit with "Jack" behind the counter a little. We'll talk about rods and reels or hunting or whatever. My shiftless city kids always make fun of me for going to the bait shop, saying I come home smelling like, "A dollar-a-roll sushi place." Whatever that means.

But what my lazy kids don't know is what goes on in the back room. I like to call it the VIP room. There's usually four or five cute gals back there and one of 'em will toss me an ice-cold brew. I'll talk to one of them for a while. My favorite one is this redhaired girl Monica. Cute little gal. Sometimes she'll give me a rubdown or she'll take off her top or whatever. She's just a nice girl who makes me feel good about myself. I've taken enough crap from my ungrateful kids down in the city and their mother, my ex-wife who moved to Tempe eight years ago. And it's a damn good place to get bloodworms and flies.

So there you go. Serves my kids right, trying to get me to make fun of myself for your little Web page. Bastards.
-- Jonny Gellison

 

About the Author(s)

The Critic is Gapers Block's recurring series of "real reviews of fake things."

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