Review Wed Apr 16 2008

Top Chef, Episode 6: Any Given Sunday

Bravo studiously started this week's Top Chef with a reminder of last week's Springer-esque tensions in the Stew Room, complete with bleeps and chair-tossing. Lest we forget amidst the fancy food vocabulary and Padma's reluctance to just down that last glass of wine and get indecent with Tom (it takes so little to achieve class these days), this is reality TV. A lesson seemingly beyond the grasp of some cheftestants who seemed to be vying for their own celebrity afternoon gab show this week, and embraced all too completely by Mark, Spike, and a bottle of Mr. Bubble. Hold onto your hats and helmets, as Top Chef storms Soldier Field and puts legions of flatbed-truck foodies and grill masters to shame.

Editor's Note: Our recaps are as honest as FactCheck.org. Here be spoilers!

The morning after Zoi's elimination, Dale and Lisa seem to be trying to make nice...by putting each other down and squabbling. Reality TV Rule Number One: Self-involved boasting and vindictive tension make for damn good television. The other housemates stretch, keep to themselves, and take oaths of vengeance in honor of their fallen girlfriends. Oh wait, that's just Jen. Her dedication is really touching, and the other chefs are acutely aware of her newfound competition bloodlust, though they let down their guard a little when they see the 16 pitchers of beer lined up for the quickfire. And who wouldn't? Except when we discover some of the beers are Michelob Ultra and AmberBock. No local brews? No 312, no Dark & Curvy Dunkelweizen? Oh, it's okay, Koren Grieveson, head magician at Avec is in the house, ready to judge pairings of plates and pitchers. Reality TV Rule Number Two: Booze always makes things interesting.

Sadly, Nikki, Spike and Dale took a little less inspiration from the suds, and were called out as losers by Koren. Nikki's fried shrimp and slaw was boring, over-breaded and under-seasoned -- just goes to show you what happens when you stick to your cliches in the Top Chef kitchen. (Beer pairing = fried food? Try telling these guys.) Spike lamed out with a plate of cold cuts, clams and Grolsch, which frankly just sounds like a recipe for the worst Saturday morning ever. And Dale was done in by his pretzel-dusted pork. During the dressing downs, Jen struggles to conceal her joy, while Lisa just lets her schadenfreude just hang right out there. Richard, Stephanie and Jen get pats on the back for the best pairings: Tuna and pickled veggie sandwich with Michelob, orange-y mussles with Hoegaarden, and Landshark lager with savory beignets, respectively. I've had many a beignet in my day, and they form a pretty crucial focal point of my family's Christmas morning breakfast every year, so I was mighty skeptical of Jen's concoction. Koren and Padma praised her for balanced flavors and a light and crispy texture, even after having to wait at the end of the tasting line. They looked good too -- I've tried the delectable seafood pancake before, maybe it's time to give a seafood donut a chance. Or, not...

After these brief warm-ups, the real game begins, and the chefs prepare to cook for hundreds of hungry Bears fans at a pre-game tailgate. Mark switches out of Hobbit mode and puts on his game face, Spike steals all the chicken wings Whole Foods has to offer, and Ryan claims he doesn't look like a sports fan. Yes you do, Ryan, swing by Wrigleyville any night if you don't believe me. After some furious prepping (Spike's treatment of his wings looks like an outtake from Silence of the Lambs) and first peeks at the dishes, it's back to the Bucktown manse for a night of relaxation, red wine, and ironing your apron (Dale, plotting his comeback). And bathtime. With Spike and Mark. Reality TV Rule Number Three: Hot tub, hot tub, hot tub. Cue music, and scene.

Well-rested, well-starched and well-scrubbed, the cheftestants trot onto the field the next day raring and ready to do. Paul Kahan joins the fun as a judge, and several football greats sneak in to sample the food. Despite a few faux-pas, like asking about the Super Bowl (Spike) and running out of food (Nikki), most of the dishes go over really well, with Dale, Antonia and our girl Stephanie getting top marks from the fans. Dale, in a classic moment of darkhorse redemption, is awarded the win by the judges for his tandoori ribs with dried mangoes. Which he will most likely rub in Lisa's face as soon as possible.

As always, things got more interesting with the chefs who disappointed the crowd. This week it was Ryan, Mark and Nikki. Ryan takes the opportunity to talk a lot about himself -- about his influences, about his popularity with his diners, about California, about giving people a dining experience rather than a quick snack on the go... A speech fairly indicative of the major downfall of his food -- it's also all about him. Which, when you're serving bread salad with chicken thighs, poached pears and a fancy drink to a crowd of carnivorous football fans who need at least one hand for their beer, well, three courses just don't fly. No matter who you are. Mark got his knuckles rapped for some technical points on his cuisine, but got a flat-out spanking for his station's appearance, his hygiene, and his disorganization. And Nikki was reprimanded for resorting to store-bought sausages in a town where cased meats are king, as well as running out of food.

In the end, however, Ryan spelled out his own elimination -- big talk, little interest in the eating public, and poor execution prompted Padma to ask him to pack his knives. And in his parting words to the rest of the chefs, managed to say both "I cooked too big," and "Wow, I'm not the shit," without even noticing the conflict. Reality TV Rule Number Four: Passionate speeches do not a winner make, especially when you're not even listening to yourself.

And tune in next week for Second City and food improv!? I am so there.

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— Andie Thomalla / Comments (0)