Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Friday, June 21

Gapers Block

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Andrew / August 28, 2003 3:22 PM

Tell us a story about an awkward pick-up situation you've had -- either as picker or pickee.

Cinnamon / August 28, 2003 3:44 PM

My favorite pick-up line:
"Honey, you're so fine I could drink a whole tub of your bath water."

Paul / August 28, 2003 4:32 PM

I tried selling a griddle to my now-wife on our first date. She didn't buy the griddle, but who cares.

stephen / August 28, 2003 4:47 PM

We can't go back to my place, its being fumigated by my drunken roommate.

Andrew / August 28, 2003 5:02 PM

(For the record, Cinnamon's bathwater pick-up line was not uttered by me. I picked her up by confessing my crush on her, then giving her a rather poorly made sidecar (neither the bartender nor I knew what was in one).

Wiz of Odds / August 28, 2003 5:04 PM

I was picked up once after a game of chess at my old job. She said (in a broken, Hungarian accent), "You have the surgeon's hands." She was an au pair. Hot. Also, I won that game, but she won the next three.

Chris Barrett / August 28, 2003 8:23 PM

"You know what my pillow's missing? Your teeth marks."

Jorge / August 28, 2003 8:44 PM

A woman on a cruise sees a man standing on deck. She walks up to him and says, "You look like my third husband."

The man blinks. "How many times have you been married?" he asks.

"Twice," she says.

Wiz of Odds / August 28, 2003 9:17 PM

Hey, that last one was also used in an episode of "Head of the Class." Maria's mother said it to the guy from WKRP In Cinncinnati.

Andrew / August 28, 2003 10:40 PM

Man, WKRP needs to come back into syndication. That show was awesome.

Rex / August 29, 2003 1:22 AM

"When you get to be a teenager, you just don't talk to your father the way you used to," lamented my highschool teacher in class about his son, one of my friends.

"That's not true," said Tim, "I was telling my father about how nervous I was about asking someone to the prom, and he told me about the time he walked right up to the prettiest girl in school and asked her to the prom."

"And she said yes?" asked the teacher incredulously.

"No - she turned him down cold. But he got another date. And he wasn't ashamed to tell me about it. It made me feel good to know that something like that could happen even to someone as great as my Dad, and it made me trust him more.

"Fuck that shit," spat the teacher in front of the assembled class, "I'd have said: 'bend over bitch, let's have prom right now'."

My eleventh grade english teacher. Seriously.

Shylo / August 29, 2003 9:39 AM

"I can part my hair with my tongue." Seriously. My crew and I proceeded to make deep fun of this boozy lothario.

- and -

"Do you use a coconut-based shampoo?"

dce / August 29, 2003 9:45 AM

So my father taught me how to approach women thusly:

M: So, do you like oranges?
F: Sure, I like oranges.
M: Great! Let's fuck.

I've yet to use this technique effectively. I must be missing something.

alicia / August 29, 2003 10:49 AM

not really a pick up line, but if someone is trying to pick you up and you want them to leave you alone, just say...
"hey. wanna fuck?"
presumably they say yes, or just stand there looking stupid.
then you say, "great. meet me in the bathroom. if i'm not there in 5 minutes, start without me."

A lex, x, x / August 29, 2003 8:48 PM

Man, if I were a guy -- no, no, a "Dude" I would use this line:

"Why don't you get down on your knees and smile like a doughnut?"

Lacey / August 30, 2003 1:43 AM

I was picking up some Emergen-C at a GNC once (my one and only time in a GNC) when the sales guy said "You I have your phone number?" And I actually gave it to him, and he actually used it, and we actually went out once, and then that was that. He still calls every now and then, but I'm pretty sure that was that. I should have seen it as a shallow thing from the beginning (duh).

kathleen / August 30, 2003 9:40 AM

When I was on the red line one Saturday afternoon:

"Wow, you look nice. You ride this train often?"

Wendy / August 30, 2003 6:05 PM

A few years ago I accidentally knocked over a neighbor's motorcycle while parking my car. I had to call him a couple of times to work out the insurance stuff. The last time we talked he said his girlfriend was getting really upset that another woman was calling him.

"Why don't you just tell her that I'm the woman who knocked your bike over?" I asked him.

"Oh, she knows," he said. "She thinks you did it on purpose to hit on me."

Right. Because that's just the thing to do when you dig a guy: knock his motorcycle over.

brian / September 2, 2003 9:31 AM

In college once, I asked a woman out to go teapot shopping with me at a thrift store. It worked. And I proposed to my ex-wife as Zorba's. Not sure that was the best idea.

ahmoon / October 2, 2003 1:35 PM

"You smell like a goat."

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