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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, May 18

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Cinnamon / December 16, 2005 11:27 AM

I could drink a whole tub of your bath water.


"Ha! Is that your real name, or are you a stripper?"

Brittany / December 16, 2005 11:46 AM

I think I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?


Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?


You're making my software into hardware!

Steve / December 16, 2005 11:59 AM

Worst I've had addressed my way? There are so few candidates...I'll go with the time a woman sitting next to me on the el said something about how women must love to rest their heads on my broad shoulders.

Probably the worst I've used was telling a new wave chica that she looked like Gillian from New Order, except in a cute way because Gillian's kinda ugly. Was I drunk? Oh yes.

Andrew / December 16, 2005 12:04 PM

My worst one was when I was 19, at Kafein in Evanston. I had a friend write a note to a girl at another table, which said something like, "My sensitive ponytail friend here thinks you're cute. You should talk to him."

As you could probably predict, it totally didn't work.

Naz / December 16, 2005 12:20 PM

Being a complete shoe fetishist, and the fact that I enjoy shoes and sneaks and such, I have used "Those are nice shoes, are those ______(insert brand here)?" as a conversation starter. It works, at least to start a conversation.

Now, on to bad lines. My old band from way back when used to hang out on the weekends at this mall type place -- we'd go look at new skate gears, shoes (of course!), clothes, check out a movie, whatever.

Anyway, my friend and bass player kept seeing this girl around and this one particular day, he was completely smitten. So we tried to devise a good line for his to go and make his move. The funny thing I thought was how nervous he was because, he's usually a ladies man -- he doesn't typically have a hard problem dating girls.

So. We were sitting in Micket D's of course and his younger brother suggests this exchange:

"Hi. Do you have a quarter?"

She: "No" OR "Yes, here" OR "Yes, why?"

"I need to make a call to my mother and tell her that I found the girl of my dreams."


Now, I don't know if this is a line that's known or if his brother made it up but it didn't work. Our 18 year old minds thought that it really would.

DCE / December 16, 2005 12:47 PM

This doesn't happen to me as often as I'd like. We hetero gents don't get as much pickup in general, I suspect.

Anyway, a woman on the train once remarked: I really like the way you look.

Which was one of the most flattering things I've ever heard, and I told her so. I was seeing someone at the time, so I let it pass, but I still recall it as being a very nice thing to say.

Unfortunately, I don't think it works well the other way around. When I, with slightly slurred speech and 4 days of stubble, say this loudly to women, they don't respond well at all.

Dee / December 16, 2005 1:14 PM

Someone staring at the breasts of a flat-chested friend: "You know, I could do a lot with those."

Best ones I've received: "We could build a beautiful basketball dynasty together." and "You're tall. I'm sexy. Give us a chance!"

Brenda / December 16, 2005 1:18 PM

Back in my 20s, two guys even younger than me came up to me and said "Are you the girl from that Aerosmith video?". I suppose Alicia and I have some similar qualities, but honestly? Um, no. Funny thing is, I think they were asking the question seriously. I just smiled and walked away.

curtsy / December 16, 2005 1:33 PM

Is that one Santa's little helpers or are you just glad to see me?

Carrie / December 16, 2005 1:41 PM

After a few drinks with a rowdy girlfriend, we'd use this line as an unsuspecting guy was walking by:

"'scuse me, do you know where the party is at? OH IT'S IN MY PANTS IT'S IN MY PANTS!!"

*insert cackling from us*

sometimes they'd laugh and talk to us, most of the time we'd all just keep walking.

another one that really catches people off guard-

Tools:camera, booze

What to do: go up to some random guy, smile, put your arm around him and say "hey baby, I'm on the Pill" and then have your friend snap a picture of his reaction. That was an entertaining night.

Paula / December 16, 2005 1:50 PM

A guy in a bar once said to me, "y'know, alot of girls here like me". Not only did it totally crack me up, but it worked and we would up dating for a few months (it didn't hurt that he was in a band that I liked). He was such a nice guy I set up two of my friends with him (not at the same time).

slb / December 16, 2005 2:15 PM

when i first saw this thread i thought "do people really use pick up lines?" apparently the answer is yes. I don't hear them much - though I do get "I really like your hair" a lot. i guess I have good hair, though it doesn't work as a pickup line. at least not on me.

the other night i was walking from the bathroom at a bar and a drunk guy was walking behind me saying "hey, sweetheart, hey, sweetheart," over and over again.

it didn't work.

the best one i guess would be "do you want a beer?" because it's easy to say no. and if i say yes, i get a beer out of it - even though i'm not going home with him/her anyway...

Lennie Briscoe / December 16, 2005 2:18 PM

One time after the conclusion of a tough trial, the precinct and DA's office got together for a little mixer. This was back in my drinking days so I got a little wild from time to time. After a few harvey wallbangers, I walked up to executive ADA Ben Stone and asked him "Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world." I'm not to sure what happened then but I woke up in the back of my cruiser the next morning. The engine was running and I was in the back seat, having lost my shoes for some reason.

Stone soon left the DA's office and that pompus windbag McCoy took over for him. That guy is a total stroke.

Will Riker / December 16, 2005 2:30 PM

but...but...briscoe? we thought you were dead!

so, there was this one time on starbase 247 where i spotted this hot little thing from tellaxia. i smiled, and her antannae bowed a little bit, so i knew i was in. i went up to her, ordered her and myself a synthehol, and said "you know, starfleet officers do it on impulse."

it took me a few minutes to explain to her the difference between warp speed and the impulse drive, but once she got it, she thought it was pretty funny. this was back before i had the beard or got fat, so of course i bagged her.

deanna was none the wiser!

J.R. / December 16, 2005 2:52 PM

I think these are so good they are bad, and vice versa. Nice work folks.

Do you like apples? How 'bout you and me fuck. How 'bout them apples?

winediva / December 16, 2005 3:04 PM

A group of girls and I were hanging out at a party in college and a guy politely asked "Pardon me, but to any of you ladies play the banjo?"

We were so caught off guard by the question we actually chatted with the guy for 10 minutes trying to come up with some music major we might now who would. After all that I said "Why? Do you need someone for a band?"

He says, "Nope. Just curious."

Then we were all a little freaked out. So - not sure if it worked or not.

emily / December 16, 2005 3:09 PM

i once was hit on by a midget with the classic, "so, you come here often?" i humored him until my 6'3" boyfriend came back from the bar. it was like a bad joke. cheesy generic pick up line, a midget, and a short girl with an extremely tall date.

a cute british man once said to me "i quite fancy you." that will always be my favorite line.

Garbage Man Dan / December 16, 2005 3:11 PM

I'm not even kidding about this one, it was uttered at a house party in Madison, WI in March of 1999. By a very intoxicated female. I was there.

"You know... they say tonight's the night if you want to conceive a millennium baby."


jgs / December 16, 2005 3:16 PM

the one pick-up line I employ most, and to best effect is:
"if I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put my penis in your vagina."

TJS / December 16, 2005 3:28 PM

"I want to be your pantyhose."

kerry / December 16, 2005 4:17 PM

"So, you wanna go to Red Lobster some time?"

I was 20 and he was about 45, and I might have visibly gagged a little. But we *were* in a strip club at the time so I cut him a little slack. (No, I didn't go to Red Lobster with him.)

kerry / December 16, 2005 4:19 PM

Oh, I forgot to write the best:
"Hey! You're hot! Just thought you should know!"
That one came out of the backseat window of a passing car. Not really a pick-up line per se, but it pretty much made my week.

Rusty / December 16, 2005 4:22 PM

I am a guy and not a very attractive one so I have never been hit on my man, woman nor beast. Due to my unfortunate appearance I have been some what hesitant to hit on girls so my attempts have been few and far between and without fail alcohol fueled. I don't have casual sex and don't date. Not that I don't want to I just, just.. actually I am not sure why, my looks, being insecure what ever. I have never had a girl friend at least the romantic kind. Anyway. Once when alone and drunk at Grizzly's on Lincoln. I asked a girl " Would you mind making an ugly guys night by talking to him for a few minutes". She looked stunned and said sure. Not sure if that counts as a pick up line but she talked to me until her friends came but didn't introduce me. I also told a co-workers sister "I wouldn't mind seeing you sometime outside the office". She acted as if she did not hear me.

If any ladies want to share a line that might work on them if used by an ugly guy I love to have it my meager arsenal.

Shane McGowan / December 16, 2005 4:45 PM

I could be your handbag, but I'd rather be your negligee.

Steve / December 16, 2005 4:46 PM

Here's one to run by frequent "Fuel" contributor LeeLAH:

"Are you a teacher? 'Cuz I'd love to be your pet."

t / December 16, 2005 4:51 PM

Was your daddy a hog farmer, cause you got some real nice hams!

Rebecca / December 16, 2005 4:52 PM

While I work in a sex shop (early to bed) I haven't been hit on too much. Here are the few, and very special, lines that have come my way.

Young guy, dead serious. "Have you ever had your booty all licked? Can I do that to you now? I'd be really quick."

From an elderly man with a drooling problem "I need a nice young girlfriend like you. Are you single?" He came back to visit me another day and brought me a gift: dried dates. Eeewww.

Customer: "I can't read the expiration date on this condom, can you read it for me?"
Me: it's good for three years from now.
Customer [in deep thought/doing mental math by the look on his face] "OK. Good. I think that means I'll get to use it." [god, how sad is that?] "Are you single?"

Andy / December 16, 2005 5:07 PM

"You're really cute, but I'm on a pity date and can't talk right now." :)

lki / December 16, 2005 5:38 PM

"I like small breasts." Gentlemen of the world, take note: this line is not a winner.

RS / December 16, 2005 5:42 PM

No words. Just actions.

A buddy of mine just kept flashing a $20 dollar bill that he was holding between his index and middle fingers. Then, he just stared at women as if it was some open invitation for them to ask him to buy them a drink.

Man that was god awful. Of course it didn't work. Now if we were at a strip club, that would be a totally different story.

fred / December 16, 2005 6:01 PM

My personal favorite, composed in tribute to a friend who'd started working at a local soup kitchen:
"Hey, you look hungry."

Moon / December 16, 2005 7:22 PM

"That's not a tail"


amy / December 16, 2005 7:41 PM

now that i might be kinda single for the first time in 10 years...(eeek!) this is the line that i so wanna use (a variation on one already mentioned):

'are those spacepants you're wearing? 'cause your ass is outta this world'

i just like to say 'spacepants'. i've made it a standard greeting.

Veronica / December 16, 2005 7:42 PM

I don't get pickup lines, per se, all that often...mostly it's men trying to touch my hair and tell me my ethnicity is exotic, but one of the weirdest was when a random man on the street asked, "Can I get some fries with that shake?" I was shocked because, dude, people actually say that??

Worst that I've used? Once after being waited on by a very beautiful man I wrote on the check, "I'd love to know what other services you provide. Call me."

Oh, but he did.

Moon / December 16, 2005 7:47 PM

Veronica, he didn't follow up with:
"You want a hot dog with those buns?"

Baltimore / December 16, 2005 7:53 PM

Ja like sommmmmme.... Now and Laters????????

steven / December 16, 2005 8:27 PM

This one wasn't directed at me, but rather a female friend, who is Korean. (NOTE: before I tell this story, it's important to say one thing: just because someone isn't white, doesn't mean they know how to speak a different language.)

We were at GoldStar and a guy walks up to her and says "Arigato". She looks at him with this confused look and says "what?" He then turned and walked away, embarassed. I'm not sure if the guy thought he was saying hello (he was actually saying thank you) or if he was just trying to impress her with his mastery of the Japanese language, but it was damn funny to see.

J / December 17, 2005 10:12 AM

the delivery on this one has to be right--in a slightly self-mocking and over-the-top tone: if i were you, i would totally talk to me.

if s/he laughs, you've just bought yourself another 10 seconds.

appopt / December 17, 2005 3:19 PM

Everything out of my mouth seems like a horrible pick-up line these days, so I just sit at home in front of my computer and pretend to have meaningful interactions with people via my blog.

victoria / December 17, 2005 3:55 PM

my favorite pickup:

get a pack of sugar that says SUGAR on it, walk up to someone and ask, "Hey, did you lose your nametag?"


mike-ts / December 17, 2005 4:40 PM

Forget rehersals. Sometimes the darndest things that come up are the big winners.

A friend was at a restaurant eyeing a pretty woman, but kept delaying any attempt at contact. She finished her meal and got up to go, and he in a moment of panic/inspiration blurted out "You can't leave yet, I haven't bought you a cookie!" Dish sized cookies were a house specialty. They dated for about three years. Years leter, that's still my favorite pickup story.

I was downstairs at the old Lucky's pool hall on Institute and there was a woman doing some really risque grinding on the dance floor. A woman next to me commented "That's not very Christian of her, the way she's dancing and all." I replied, "Of course it is. I'm watching her, and all I can think is 'O My God O My God...'" After getting a mock slap on my shoulder I had a new cutie friend.

In college, a woman next to me who I had my eye on surprised me by offering me a Life Saver after she got herself one. After taking it, I announced "I don't like lime, gimme a better one", spat it out on the desktop, where it made a firecracker bang, then it went rolling along the floor to the front of the room. She finally stopped laughing at the end of class, and I had a new girlfriend. BTW, the prof was so into his lecture he was totally oblivious to the whole shebang.

Veronica / December 17, 2005 5:44 PM

Moon -- Alas, he didn't. While that would have made for an amusing story, I probably wouldn't have dated him if he had.

Amy / December 17, 2005 6:42 PM

Do you have any Italian in you? (Unfortunately I said no.)
Do you want some?

But mostly I get the guys that just say "Hey Girl. You lookin fine. Can I get your number?"
Or some variation of that.

Emerson Dameron / December 18, 2005 3:57 AM

To hell with pickup lines. Let's do some lines in my pickup.

Moon / December 18, 2005 10:33 AM

Yes, Veronica, that line is a slapping offense, I believe. :D

corydalus / December 18, 2005 12:20 PM

I am still waiting to hear my first. Please? Somebody? Anybody? I'm not that bad....

I did have a very drunk friend begin to kiss my neck once in a bar. Too bad he's a guy.

Baldeesh / December 18, 2005 4:01 PM

"You remind me of that girl from 'The Exorcist.' Can I call you sometime?"

rachel / December 18, 2005 8:35 PM

Me, working as a cocktail waitress at an unnamed bar on rush street.

Him: Drunk.

Him: I just really love to lick pussy. I just want to go down on a girl tonight. Can I go down on you?

Me: No.

Nat / December 18, 2005 8:40 PM

"If I was your girlfriend..."

matty / December 19, 2005 7:59 AM

Some guy came up to my sister at the East Bank Club a few summers ago and asked her to touch his hands. Like an idiot she did, and he asked "what do you think I do for a living?" She's like "I dunno, hand model?" He says "come on, try harder" she says she doesn't know...finally he blurts out "I'm a gynacologist"

Leigh / December 19, 2005 8:06 AM

The worst: I just want to drink from your milky breasts.

The best: We never talk anymore.

matty / December 19, 2005 10:10 AM

or however you spell it.

Waleeta / December 19, 2005 10:17 AM

Guy: "Hey, are you single?"
Me: "Yeah."
Guy: "No boyfriend? Really?"
Me:"Um, yeah."
Guy: "Wow, you seem awfully confident without a guy in your life."

that was awesome.

Pete / December 19, 2005 10:23 AM

My favorite is the one I thought up 18 hours too late, while stuck in traffic on Lake Shore Drive after a weekend getaway:

"I'd ask you your name, but I'm sure God didn't name ALL the angels."

em / December 19, 2005 10:45 AM

"Hey white girl."

Spence / December 19, 2005 11:16 AM

I picked up my current girlfriend with a nice "Hey ladies" when she walked into a bar with a friend last spring.

Erica / December 19, 2005 11:56 AM

When was in high school, my friends and I always ended up at the Rt. 30 Truck stop in Joliet off I-55 because we were poor, young, stranded in the 'burbs and bored -- oh, and underage to do anything else.

We'd smoke and drink coffee, and every once in awhile, we actually ordered food.

Anyway, the host was this older Greek guy who really liked me. Once, he finally got the nerve to ask: "Ah-dee-cah, are you 18 yet?"

dan / December 19, 2005 12:09 PM

Worst I ever (over-)heard: "My friend really likes girls with your body-type. D'you wanna meet him?"

Call me a sucker, but one of my ex's used this on me: "You seems like a very sensual person, has anyone ever told you that?" It was a case of "cool girl, awful pick-up line".

eep / December 19, 2005 12:27 PM

"Do you like Dave Matthews Band?"


meg / December 19, 2005 12:58 PM

"Now, I just have one question for you: How did you get that black ass on your white body?"

I've gotten this, or a variation upon this theme, a couple of times. Great line, always makes me smile.

Artamnesia / December 19, 2005 1:39 PM

"I kissed your sister..."

Brandy / December 25, 2005 3:40 PM

Hee! More of a pick-up gesture, than a line. My friends and I were at Perkins at like 3 am after seeing Rocky Horror. I was 15. A man, at least 25, came up to the table and made small talk with us, as he made a rose out of a paper napkin. He handed me the rose.

As we were leaving he caught my attention and said he'd like to take me out sometime. I bouyantly said, "You don't know how old I am, do you?"

He said, "How old are you?"

Even more bouyantly, "FIFTEEN!"

And I watched the color drain from his face as he apologized and left me on my way.


And my fave line filed under So Bad It's Good:
Who's got two thumbs and fucks like a tiger?

This guy.

Shobs / August 3, 2006 12:07 PM

"Wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

"What's the matter, you don't like pizza?"

always works

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