Gapers Block has ceased publication.
Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
✶ Thank you for your readership and contributions. ✶
TODAY
Thursday, September 19
Fuel
Ramsin / January 20, 2008 9:27 PM
That President Lincoln decided not to go to the theater...
...
Too soon?
I love Johnny Carson.
Charlie / January 20, 2008 9:32 PM
The Devil was forced to bump the thermostat up a couple degrees
JT / January 20, 2008 9:43 PM
It's so cold that I head butted my dog and we both screamed.
mike-ts / January 20, 2008 11:17 PM
... my pilot light froze.
Mac / January 20, 2008 11:39 PM
"...my pee-pee morphed itself into a va-jay-jay."
Mike / January 21, 2008 2:30 AM
...I just had a reverse orgasm.
hairy / January 21, 2008 8:28 AM
"... I grew my leg hair out in anticipation... long underwear was just not enough."
rasputine / January 21, 2008 8:47 AM
"...that Britney Spears put her underwear back on."
pantagrapher / January 21, 2008 8:56 AM
...that a puppy huddled up against Barbara Bush for warmth.
Kelly / January 22, 2008 8:37 AM
That my uterus fell out.
porgy / January 22, 2008 9:54 AM
....it's so cold it's making me seem like a friendly person
A clever plan / January 22, 2008 10:41 AM
...several children were seen huddling under one of Mayor Daley's chins for warmth...
...Drew Peterson's expression seemed warm and inviting by comparison...
...the antennas on the Sears Tower grew out another 15 feet...
...gang shooting dropped to almost nothing because it's hard to do a drive-by wearing mittens...
but anyway...
A / January 22, 2008 11:39 AM
It's so cold a Chicago alderman was seen with his hands in his own pockets.
Clarke / January 22, 2008 12:28 PM
...that only my friend Ed has enough time to write his name in the snow.
Lucky Guy / January 22, 2008 1:39 PM
...that my my girlfriend finally agreed to a threesome.
zoenotcool / January 22, 2008 2:31 PM
After 5 winters, our cat is trying to become a lap kitty.
My brother's handlebar mustache froze and broke off.
I saw a snowman check into a hotel.
Chuck Norris was in town and wore a shirt with sleeves. (insert awful Chuck Norris jokes here)
The Montrose water line break is now the Montrose Ice Rink.
porgy / January 22, 2008 2:47 PM
....that Hillary was spotted cuddling with a snowman to stay warm.
p / January 22, 2008 4:01 PM
yoyo. yoyo. cold weather talk. yoyo. i'm so cold ya'll. yo. real talk it's cold like nobody's business. cold cipher. icicle scientific wizardry. subzero diabolical chilly darts. truth serems to positively identify the brain artistery of cerebral cold devestation. assasin of flow scientificry. yoyo. off the dome i wear the winterwear to contain the wordsmithery heat. it's cold fusion to burn retinas with audio windburn BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Chlorina Adolfo / January 22, 2008 4:17 PM
It will be a cold day in hell before "Norbit" gets nominated for an Oscar. Wait - turns out that's today!
Heath Ledger / January 22, 2008 4:47 PM
It is so cold that I think I'll just hang out in my Manhattan apartment today.
flange / January 22, 2008 6:32 PM
... as I walked home tonight, my testicles clinked like ice cubes in a glass.
Steven / January 22, 2008 7:50 PM
...I almost could move to Hell A, California. Almost.
Mateus / January 23, 2008 9:45 AM
It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra.
I've got to say, I find most of these pretty unfunny. Especially the Heath Ledger one, which apart from being tasteless really doesn't make any sense.
The Guy Behind You on the Bus / January 23, 2008 9:48 AM
Thanks for the critique, Mateus. And I hope the writer's strike ends soon so you can get back to writing for Conan or Dave or whomever you ply your talents for.
..It's so cold I saw an eskimo standing on State and Randolph saying, "God DAMN!"
Andrew / January 23, 2008 11:46 AM
It's so cold, the street preachers are huddled together on State, preaching hell-fire just to keep warm.
p / January 23, 2008 11:59 AM
it's so cold that the preacher on state & washington who yells through his megaphone at you for smoking is in fact, um, smoking.
p.s. sidle up and ask this man for a light, a spare smoke, etc. whenever you pass. it's a day-maker.
porgy / January 23, 2008 12:25 PM
....it's so cold
The Guy Sitting Behind You On The Bus...smells good..
CVAL / January 23, 2008 12:25 PM
It's so cold - my kid chipped a tooth trying to breast feed!
w / January 23, 2008 12:57 PM
I'm so f-cking cold I hate you all and to hell with gapersblock. f-cking f-ck. Goddammit.
Spook / January 23, 2008 1:27 PM
Yo son, its sooo Mutha F*ck'n COLD out, that the preacher on state & washington aka Rev. Old Navy took down the "No Room for Homosexuals in Heaven" sign, and allowed a lesbian to leave hell and go to heaven, so he could take her place in Hell and be warm! !!!!BBBBBBBBbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Mikey / January 23, 2008 2:00 PM
It's so cold that Fuel has been stuck on this same question for four days running now...
Spook / January 30, 2008 10:52 AM
It's so cold a Chicago alderman was seen with his hands in his own pockets.
Its so cold,that a puppy huddled up against Barbara Bush for warmth.
Recently on Fuel
Urban Ethos [26]
What is Chicago's "urban ethos"?
Cool Glass of... [16]
What're you drinking?
Supreme Decision [22]
What's your reaction to the Supreme Court's decision on the Affordable Care Act?
Taking it to the Streets [20]
Chicago Street Fairs: Revolting or Awesome?
I Can Be Cruel [9]
Be real: what is the meanest thing you've ever done?
Benjy / January 20, 2008 4:28 PM
It's so cold that the Blue Man Group didn't need body paint this weekend... they just stood outside the theater before going on stage.