Andrew / April 24, 2006 12:42 AM

(Suggested by Jacob.)

Brittany / April 24, 2006 8:09 AM

My friends and I were arguing with these drunk frat boys on the DePaul campus who had flashed us, among other things. One guy those the best way to insult me was to comment on my weight (because all the girls they date are anorexic or soon to be).

"Look at that fat ass!" one shouted.

"You know what? It's okay if I have a fat ass. Most men like it. However, I don't think I can say the same about women and your shortcomings!" I wish I had said.

I actually ended the conversation after the "most men like it" part.

j / April 24, 2006 8:34 AM

Oh yeah, well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!

e_five / April 24, 2006 9:09 AM

I'll probably think of one not long after this thread is retired.

MikeH / April 24, 2006 9:52 AM

Since I can't think of one, I thought I'd enlighten you with one of my favorite (ok, only) French phrases which literally translates as "staircase wit"...

Esprit de L'Escalier
[es-pree de less-ka/-iay] (idiom):

A witty remark that occurs to you too late, literally on the way down the stairs. The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations defines esprit de l'escalier as, "An untranslatable phrase, the meaning of which is that one only thinks on one's way downstairs of the smart retort one might have made in the drawing room."

rofimike / April 24, 2006 10:25 AM

All of mine are crowded out by an Adrian Tomine comic strip from way back... (i could only find the second half on the web, so bear with textual setup)

The Tomine character has gone to a concert and ends up standing next to a "slam-dancing lunatic", the lunatic intiaties some verbal sparring and ends the conversation with "Well, you better stay out of my way, cause i came here to DANCE!" Tomine retreats.

These frames follow.

RevDave / April 24, 2006 2:56 PM

Fuck you clown!

Steve / April 24, 2006 3:00 PM

"Why don't you try harder, pal!"

Sara / April 24, 2006 3:42 PM

I didn't think of this retort, but it was pretty awesome at the time.

I went to Northwestern. Our football team made it to the Alamo Bowl, so a dozen of us drove to San Antonio. We were playing Nebraska, who was amazing. We pretty much sucked at football.

Walking around San Antonio the day of the game, there were lots of Nebraska fans catcalling. One group got together and started chanting at us, "We beat Iowa, we beat Iowa." People thought quickly. We responded, "We can spell Iowa, we can spell Iowa."

Haha. That showed em. We totally lost the game though.

lee / April 24, 2006 4:51 PM

a non-verbal one. Irate driver tailgates me b/c I'm coming to full stops at stop signs. At the next stop sign he pulls up on passenger side and gives a dirty look, then counts on his fingers, signifying that I'm taking too long at the stop sign. In response, I shoulda counted backward on my fingers, leaving the middle one.

fluffy / April 24, 2006 5:07 PM

I'm not proud of this, and this isn't a verbal comeback, but...you know the woman who rides the red line at rush hour times and reads the bible really really loud? She accuses everyone of being a sinner and gets really mad if people ask her to shut up. Well, when I got out at my stop, I waited until the doors closed and then I flipped her off......I could see her getting upset and yelling as the train took off.
I might go to hell, but being in that train car felt like hell.

Rob / April 24, 2006 6:47 PM

"Lighten up, Francis."

Actually, my friends & I now refer to the person only as "Francis" now.

Justin / April 24, 2006 10:38 PM

fluffy, if she's that angry I can't imagine any hell worse than the one she's in.

My latest lost comeback was, "Not exactly..." or, "You're misrepresenting my view." Took me awhile to figure that was the case. Damn, it would have been awesome.

Kuz / April 25, 2006 12:00 AM

In the back corner of the Halsted bus today a young woman took her shoes off and ate sunflower seeds, throwing her shells on the floor. It was pretty gross - she was opening the seeds with her mouth, not her fingers. Nasttt.

I thought of what to say for 6-7 stops, then my stop came so I didn't. As I exited the back door though, I turned right, looked at her through the window, and said loudly, "You should pick up your trash."

j3s / April 25, 2006 5:57 AM

RevDave - I love that joke!

hench / April 25, 2006 9:39 AM

i know i've had a couple, but i can't remember them at all. in true escalier fashion, i'm sure they will all come to mind as soon as this fuel has ended...

Lisa Simpson / April 25, 2006 11:48 AM

"Why, yes, my mother's name is Marge! And I do play the saxaphone! And Bart? Why, he's right here!"

That's when I'd flip them off.

One actual (and tremendously satisfying) response to a remark about my name involved staring blankly at the joke-maker until she started looking uncomfortable and said, "You probably get comments about your name all the time, huh?" I continued to look confused and replied, "No. Why?" When her co-worker started laughing at her, she turned bright red and walked away.

slant-rhyme / April 25, 2006 12:10 PM

Yesterday must have been a busy shopping day at Edgewater Produce because all of the grocery carts were in use. I waited patiently for one, finally snagging a cart after an elderly lady went through the line. I noticed another shopper looking frantincally for a cart, ultimately taking one (already in use) next to the mangos. When the original user (a Latina woman) tried to stop him from using her cart he loudly exclaimed, "Why didn't you say something when I asked if this cart was yours? Do you even know how to speak English?? In this country, we answer questions, IN ENGLISH, when someone talks to us!" I was horrified and caught between the do-I-tell-this-jerk-to-shove-his racism or avert-eyes-and-mind-my-own-business. The encounter was over in a second, and I didn't say anything. Later, while I was waiting in line to pay for my produce, I thought of my comeback: "Apparently, in THIS COUNTRY, we are also raging racists who take our hateful insecurities out on people looking for a good deal on tomatoes."

Tippenze / April 25, 2006 12:42 PM

My boss is of short stature and has a Napoleon complex. He doesn't like me and I'm convinced one of the reasons is because I'm tall. One time he really put me on the spot and tried to look like a big man in front of my co-workers at my expense. I handled it without retort thinking he still looked like an idiot in front of everyone. In retrospect I wish I said "Ted, why are you so short with me today?"

Kevin / April 25, 2006 12:47 PM

Not sure but I'm almost positive it involved the word "shitbarge"

Allan / April 25, 2006 1:14 PM

"Well, if shagging your mum in the bum was against the law I would have the constable after me" Which is what I wish I would have said do the guy who kept hitting on my date, but what I really did was punch him the nads and throw my drink in his face, but what I really did was show my date what a puss I was by laughing uncomfortably like the guy was joking,.

JP / April 25, 2006 1:25 PM

When I am on the train and I can't find a seat because somebody has there crap on the seat next to them I always want to say. "So I guess you must have paind two fairs" then I would get really loud and say" Look everbody ! This person paid two train fairs so they could put thier shit on the seat next to them! So it is okay that I have to stand while this pricks sack of crap has a nice rest from working so damn hard all day". In reality I just sulk while looking at the "Don't be Jack" train card.

fluffy / April 25, 2006 1:36 PM

The best thing to do, especially in slant-rhyme's situation, is to raise your eyebrows, make eye contact with the jerk, and start laughing.
They hate it when you laugh at them or talk to them like they're children "ssshhhh..use your inside voice, ok?"

Kevin / April 25, 2006 1:55 PM

I've soo wanted to use this "Bob and David" classic but so far, no opportunities:

"I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth"

Spence / April 25, 2006 1:57 PM

I was walking down the street with my girlfriend at night and a car load of fratty chads drove by and yelled "fucking faggot", I yelled back "fuck off, piece of shit." I wish I would have had more time to ask the logic behind:

How walking with my girlfriend makes me gay, but living in a house with 100 other half naked dudes somehow exudes heterosexuality.

And then I would have gotten my ass kicked, but it would've been funny to see there initial confused ("Huh") response.

Carrie / April 25, 2006 2:09 PM

Ok, so this guy I used to date and his friends had a friend from grade school who was a stripper, but she was keeping it a big secret. Everyone in his group knew she stripped, but no one mentioned that to her. And so on the worst new years eve ever when he's all messed up and she's kicking me out of his bed because he doesn't want anyone there, I asked who she was and she said "I'm his friend Becky and I've known him for years". Being the wuss I am I just said "oh, I've heard of you". Had I not been such a wuss, I would have said in my meanest non-wuss tone "oh Becky, you're their stripper friend, right? You don't think they know, but really the whole damn group does. Hell, even I know and I've only been part of this circle for 3 months."

Ok, so it's not that tough, but I wish I would have called her out on it. (and yes I gave him a piece of my mind when he finally came in the bedroom and I haven't spoken to or seen him since)

Joshua / April 25, 2006 3:06 PM

i met a girl and we hit it off. she has a master's from LSE in foreign policy. we go out on a date. i'm really digging her. at the end of the up-to-now successful date i go in for the kiss and she tells me she's 'kind of seeing someone'. she asks if i'm mad. i tell her i'm disappointed, not mad (even though i feel lied to). we say goodbye and i drive home. pulling into my driveway i think of the what would have been the perfect signoff: brook, i find it ironic that a girl with a degree in foreign relations found it so difficult to communicate her domestic situation to an outside party.

annie / April 25, 2006 3:14 PM

Like Sara, mine has too do with football. A sport I loathe but watched in high school. While cheering for a well known Southside all boys school and (usually losing) our retort was "that's all right, that's ok, you'll all pump our gas one day." B/c this school was known for being academically supperior to the other all boys school (ahem - Mt. Carmel).

annie / April 25, 2006 3:20 PM

oops. I really can spell superior and the too should be a to. Just don't want any Carmel grads giving me heat.

Kevin / April 25, 2006 3:49 PM

I've seen that lady on the red line with the bible and I wanted to put my hands together in prayer, look up at the sky and say "Dear Lord, please protect me from your followers"

d. / April 25, 2006 4:08 PM

The best retort is actually one without words. I've done this one on several occasions. During an argument or insult, simply stop talking, release a very long fart, point at the victim, and say, "see, i knew that would shut you up." (The fart smell is totally optional, but it adds insult to injury.)

armaghetto / April 25, 2006 5:58 PM

I send out a daily memo. Every day. Hence the daily. Right.

On Friday, I accidentally sent out Thursday's copy. On Monday's meeting, a gentleman asked "will you be sending it out today?" and I said "Of course. I send it every day. Why would you ask, unless you were trying to make us both look bad in front of a large group of people?" *uncomfortable silence goes here* "Just teasin' ya. Yeah, I'll send out Fridays and todays"

I then start IM'ing a friend to tell her about my bad-assedness.

"Don't pull that crap with me...i'm unfuckable"

"*unfuckwithable. sigh...worst typo ever."

charlie D / April 25, 2006 7:20 PM

No better last word.............was when a female friend of mine got in a bit of an argument while driving next to a load of asshole guys asking her to show her tit's. This went on a block or so and we came to a red light. She rolled down the window just as the light was about to turn green and simply replied to them " SUCK MY DICK"

They sat slackjaw while we drove away laughing our asses off.

jenjen / April 25, 2006 10:34 PM

After running along Wacker Drive on the river and hearing such comments as, "Pick it up, Lady!" or seeing others mimicking my pace, I've decided to run wearing a shirt that states, "The tortoise always beats the hare!"

april / April 25, 2006 10:45 PM

Props to all of you who can verbally call people out on their assholeyness in front of large groups of people or hold uncomfortable eye contact.

I can't even fart on command. Damn.

armaghetto / April 25, 2006 11:56 PM

Or, jenjen, you could just wear a shirt that says "suck my dick"

*shrug*

Shasta MacNasty / April 28, 2006 6:46 PM

1. I was in college and for no reason at all this guy didn't like me. Finally he just called me a fat bitch (real original). To which I responded: "Maybe the reason I look fat to you, is because you see two of me."

You see, the dude that called me fat had the nerve to do so while having a lazy eye. I just COULD NOT let that go. So I went on...:

"And really 'fat bitch'? That's the best you can do? Sweetie I've been fat all my life and I've heard it all, you're gonna have to do better. But you're in school, so I'm encouraged that you'll gain about a quarter ounce of sense someday. So what's your major?"

"Engineering," he says.

"Excellent!" I reply excitedly. "Maybe you can come up with a little something to level out that fucked-up eye of yours."

-------------------

Another college incident. Someone just left off the fat, and hauled off with just "BITCH!" to which I responded:

"Oh no. The one who laid down and had you? THAT'S the bitch."

Seriously. Don't bumble with the bee if you don't want to get stung. :)

Shasta MacNasty / April 28, 2006 7:02 PM

damn! i didn't realize this was for comebacks that you WISH you said. i thought this was for what you ACTUALLY said. that's what i get for not reading. : /

whocares / May 25, 2006 2:51 AM

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

(anybody, feel free to use this, next time it's required.)

Busted / May 31, 2006 11:08 AM

Hehe. i'd just like to say that Kevin, you have some
BRILLIANT comebacks! I don't remember any situations in my case right now... but usually i tell them to go and ass fuck a cow. or i just look at them amazingly and scream out "SHUT UP YOUR SO ANNOYING!!!" and walk away...

Busted / May 31, 2006 11:20 AM

OH! I remember! There was this one time that my friend and i were at a skatepark and she was on one of the ramps on her scooter, and she is a little chubby, and we were still trying to pluck up the courage to go down the ramp, and there were these stupid, young bratts there and they shouted to my pal, "Fat one go down!!!" And i so totally should've said- cuz they were sitting on a high ramp opposite- "Then what are you waiting for????"
In stead i tried to be clever and defend my pal my franticly swearing at them! :) (:

No-fuckin-L / June 14, 2006 5:40 PM

So what do you say to someone when they say eat shit- i'll kill you and then put my penis in every hole you have!!!

Shortly after which he says I want to titty fuck your plump breasts!!!

Now this someone is my boyfriends brother. He got dropped on his head when he was a baby and now he is a huge Creepy Mc Creepster.

No Jealousy / June 25, 2006 7:00 PM

A group of us were having a great time dancing and laughing at a party when one gal started rubbing her ass up against my boyfriends crotch. The other girl said she is going to wear your man out. I stepped up and said thank you to her, for getting him ready for me. They were all surprised and the butt dancing gal felt like a fool. I really didn't care because we were just having fun, but knew if I didn't comment she'd try it again.