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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, May 25

Gapers Block

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Johnny USA / November 1, 2006 6:05 AM

Getting re-elected.

J / November 1, 2006 6:22 AM

Some sort of crime, I'd hope.

Allan / November 1, 2006 7:03 AM

I gave this a lot of thought when I was a teenager. At some point I decided that the world would/could be a much better place if some people could be "removed" so I gave some serious thought to becoming a Hit Man. Except I would only "take out" scum so I would have been a good hit man with ethics and morals. However, killing people for money was illegal at the time so technically I would have been a criminal. The plan never panned out due to lack of customers and my inability to actually kill anyone. Instead I became an underpaid desk jockey who kills himself a little each day with every peck I make on the "Man's" keyboard. Where is the justice in that.

JasonB / November 1, 2006 7:46 AM

President of the United States of America.

Okay, so it doesn't quite fit within the context, but you get where I'm going with this.

anon / November 1, 2006 7:53 AM

I would like to think I would specialize in the big heist type stuff, breaking and entering on a larger scale, something like stolen art and the like. Barring that, I think I would be fencing stolen artwork or working on long cons with a small group of people, most likely dealing with fake works of art.

Kenzo / November 1, 2006 8:36 AM

I would steal the hearts and minds of millions.

mike-ts / November 1, 2006 9:02 AM

Were you a criminal?

Who's to say half of the people here aren't in one way or another a criminal already?

Speeders, red light runnners, doobie smokers, supplies and on the clock time from work stealers (you, reading this site at your work station - back to work), mattress tag removers, petty shoplifters.

Ever beat some schmuck in a bar fight? Aww! Bad. Dump your trash in someone else's dumpster? Bad. Drive home blind drunk?

We're all criminals in one way or another already. We've just not been caught yet. Dang it if I'll confess my larcenous heart on a public forum. I don't even go to my home parish when I go to confession, lest my pastor recognize my voice.

znda / November 1, 2006 9:13 AM

Femme fatale: Get rich men to fall in love with me, alter their wills to suit my needs, and then an unfortunate accident would take their young lives soon after...

Allan / November 1, 2006 9:23 AM

Hey wha hoppin?

mike / November 1, 2006 9:24 AM

Breaking and entering ... your heart, baby.

jennifer / November 1, 2006 9:29 AM

Terrorizing Kevin Federline 24/7, as he's been doing to me via tv, internets, and radio for way too long.

daruma / November 1, 2006 9:38 AM

Stealing hearts left and right!

JB / November 1, 2006 9:51 AM


Hal / November 1, 2006 10:15 AM

International financial fraud. And death rays.

michelle / November 1, 2006 10:18 AM

Jewlery and fine art heists.

ken / November 1, 2006 10:41 AM


printdude / November 1, 2006 10:50 AM

I would definately be the Hamburglar.

I would like to be like "The Saint" or the dude from the "Thomas Crown Affair" but I more a bull-burgalur than a cat-burgalur, so that's out.

Blagg the Axman / November 1, 2006 10:51 AM

As a lawless youth in the streets of the capital, I was naturally disposed to acts of petty crime—theft, grifting and the like—until a sturdy hand guided me toward a better path. The life I have chosen since then has brought more than my share of violence, albeit in the service of good, and it would not be inaccurate to say that I am currently a criminal, at least in the eyes of the cruel misanthropes holding this once-blissful kingdom in sway. Though I will never cease my quest to rid the realm of the evil Kayne and his ilk, were I forced to choose another way to resist his blasphemous monarchy, I would pursue justice as do the humble monks, such as Father Tull, who in secret offer aid and succor to those oppressed by the Dark Lord’s rule. Though my own soul may be damned one thousand times over, such gentle nobility can almost make me believe in salvation again, even for a man such as myself.

daruma / November 1, 2006 11:11 AM

Ringmaster, of course!

Erica / November 1, 2006 11:17 AM

The ringleader.

Hal / November 1, 2006 11:19 AM

International financial fraud. And death rays.

Hal / November 1, 2006 11:20 AM

Crap. And apprently, double postings. Stupid network connection...

Andrew / November 1, 2006 11:22 AM

OK, sorry about the confusion. We upped the spam protection on our comment system, and it held everybody's comments ransom. Took the protection back down to the regular levels. Sorry about that.

And I thought everyone hated the criminal Q, so I changed it. It's back now; you can save your circus jobs for later.

lori / November 1, 2006 11:34 AM

stealing candy from babies

especially reese's and almond joys.

paul / November 1, 2006 11:37 AM

Apparently I couldn't get away with my plans to become a spammer around here.

I too have had dreams of becoming some sort of government sanctioned hit man, or world class con man like on "Hustle" or master theif like Cary Grant or mob boss or drug cartel leader or base jumper or tax evader henceman for the Penguin.

Of course as I got older, I became so paranoid that I don't even jaywalk anymore.

julie / November 1, 2006 12:01 PM

a drug dealer. fer realz.

Mikey / November 1, 2006 12:12 PM

Me? I'd like to be an eco-terrorist and use cool code names like Operation Mayhem such as was used in Fight Club...

the enfranchiser / November 1, 2006 12:24 PM

I would be an election vigilante, stealing back stolen elections and giving them back to the people. they would call me THE ENFRANCHISER, and vote-stealing evildoers would tremble when they heard my name. Diebold's headquarters would jack up security measures, but they wouldn't stop my cat-burgling, breaking and entering ways as i found all the votes from Ohio 2004, and their nefarious plans to do it all again. and then i would FOIL them!

it would be like a cross of Sneakers, Robin Hood and Heat.

if i couldn't do that, maybe just a l33t hax0r like kevin mitnick.

fluffy / November 1, 2006 12:49 PM

A spy - I'd travel the world, secretly tape conversations, break into buildings, steal data, do surveillance, have a fake ID for each assignment....kind of like a Vanessa Kensington from Austin Powers - but the real deal, and of course, a criminal. I'd also have a little back-pack I'd take with me everywhere I went. My cat would be hiding there and would be my assistant. His sharp sense of smell and night vision would come in handy, and it never hurts to have a 'quick paw' with sharp claws on your's true.

Barack Obama / November 1, 2006 1:28 PM

First I'd endorse Alexi Giannoulias for Treasurer in the IL primary ... I mean, his dad gave me lots of money when I ran for senator. You remember those commercials right? The ones where I was practically french kissing him and falling all over myself telling everyone how awesome he was? Yeah, those were great.

Next I'd endorse Todd Stroger, the alderman who was installed by Beavers and all the committemen in Crook County. Remember how they lied to the taxpayers about the Senior Stroger's health? I strongly blah blah believe that Todd has the blah leadership skills blah and the strength (ahem) of character to do exactly as he is told.

fluffy / November 1, 2006 1:35 PM

So Barack's a criminal now?

znda / November 1, 2006 1:52 PM

Fluffy, not only do you have the cutest screenname, you would also be the cutest criminal on here. Damn your kitty cat "quick paw" backpack.

Greg / November 1, 2006 1:58 PM

I would order sushi and not pay.

N.R. / November 1, 2006 2:00 PM

I'd like to specialize in breaking into the minds & panties of various women using the magical key that unlocks a woman's brain: language. I'd leave them all behind -- strewn naked & breathless, on their own bed. I'd empty their refrigerator and steal their cigarettes, too (except for the menthol smokers).

All of these women will be at least 30 years old, with dark hair and dark eyes.

I'd never take any money or valuables, but that wouldn't matter to them. They'd all know that I crossed the line of decency, but that I also got the job done. They'd never tell their girlfriends about me, because they'd never be able to decide for themselves if their experience with me was good or bad (a woman's favorite).

If they see me on the street years later, they will stand frozen. They will not know whether to run away from me or run towards me. They will not know whether to smile or grind their teeth. They'd just stand there until I'm gone from their vision. They will only mutter one phrase to themselves - "It's him". After seeing me, for some unexplained reason, they will splurge for a very heavy dinner to take their minds off things.

By day, I'd be a mild-mannered office guy. I'd seldom talk to anybody. When asked every Monday morning about how I spent my weekend, I'd always reply with "not much."

bob / November 1, 2006 2:02 PM

My speciality would be not getting caught.

Or making sure I got re-elected, which is the same thing.

joshua / November 1, 2006 2:41 PM

i'd be a high-end larcenist with the ability to disappear in a puff of smoke as my specialty (only to reappear safe in my home with all stolen goods).

I could get away with anything doing that.

Emerson Dameron / November 1, 2006 2:54 PM

Occasional invisibility.

K / November 1, 2006 3:03 PM

I think spy Fluffy and her trusty sidekick should use their powers to find Barack Obama's credibility. Apparently it has been stolen.

p / November 1, 2006 3:17 PM

A bookie. I'm giving 1-10 that allan touches himself while reading N.R.'s post. 1-20 that N.R. has some difficulty meeting the ladies. 1-40 that the intended handle was N.R.F. (N.erd's pseudo-R.ape F.antasy) but F was forgotten in excitement of publishing such long-kept fantasies of dominance. 1-50 that I hope he really isn't Red Dragon and I'm in trouble. I really really hope he's not the Red Dragon.

Allan / November 1, 2006 3:19 PM

I think I will put a hit out on znda if he doesn't stop hitting on fluffy. By the way znda it is "fluffy" not "Fluffy"!

anon / November 1, 2006 3:36 PM

I would be the means of the justified ends.

Scott Turow / November 1, 2006 3:39 PM

Stealing the identities of famous mystery writers.

Spook / November 1, 2006 3:42 PM

I'd kill fluffy's cat with a brick as an initiation rite to join the O'Bama Crime Family.

Er ey Boss O' Bama youz forgots ta tell em bout you're "ethical" and "proper" land deal with Tony Rezko.

Untill then I can't wait to read Allan's plans for the Thanks Giving Holiday.
And I'm not even going to think about his Office X mass party!

Leelah / November 1, 2006 6:15 PM

I'd like to say art forgery.

CC / November 1, 2006 7:08 PM

It would be cool to be a hacker. Get into school records, govt. records, mess with computer files... all the stuff I have no idea about, ideas just based off of modern tech thrillers, the first one being Hackers starring a very young Angelina Jolie.

jonk / November 1, 2006 7:14 PM

if i was a criminal?


in airbags, why do some thingies allow comments while others don't? it would be fun to have movie-chat

Winston Smith / November 1, 2006 9:08 PM


Eddy / November 1, 2006 10:30 PM

Definitely fine arts theft....

Marie / November 1, 2006 11:31 PM

I'd be a forger. I can fake anyone's signature and I'm a wizard with Photoshop. I've even made very real looking fake plane tickets. However, this would all have to be in service of the resistance movement against an oppressive regime.

Mike / November 2, 2006 8:43 AM

CC, in the movie "Hackers" their only crime was curiosity.

Bill V / November 2, 2006 9:01 AM

Did you say IF I was a criminal? Nothing but Diamonds, the bigger the better!

clodius / November 2, 2006 9:08 AM

Smoothness, as in: you've just been hit by a smooth criminal...

Elena / November 2, 2006 9:37 AM

I am a criminal already. Who new?I am illegal alien. Be very afraid of me I will steal your jobs and your man.

Spook / November 2, 2006 10:27 AM


Don’t forget to mention you're forte,
jacking peole's social security numbers and Rosa Park's identity to boot.
Maybe you can "walk away" with an Oscar for you're brilliant preformance as
"world martyr"

znda / November 2, 2006 10:58 AM

Don't worry Allan, I'm a girl. A girl who thinks fluffy is the cutest criminal ever.

Allan / November 2, 2006 11:30 AM

znda - In that case I am very sorry and how do you feel about 35 year old failed hit men who drink to much, are relatively clever and enormously endowed in the "man" department? Because I have this umm... friend you might like.

cliff / November 2, 2006 12:23 PM

What would my specialty be? Why I'm a white, anglo-saxon, male. I don't need a specialty, I'm "the Man". I'm already responsible for all the heinous wars, crimes, rapes and oppressions just because I was born. Just ask any female or anyone of color.

fluffy / November 2, 2006 12:33 PM

Somewhere around the Oklahoma/Texas border, some still remember him "Quick Paw McGraw". I believe the song "A flick o' the tail" was written in his honor. That was a while back and he was younger, crazier, bolder. I'll call him "Mr. M". He's still a quick-paw, but he's become more of a thinker/strategist. He'll always be a fine hunter - it's in his nature. We've been through a lot together. He would definitely be my partner in crime. Me, him, and a bag of Friskies.
Anyway, just don't mess with him- Spook, I can't tell you what Mr M would do to you, but you would definitely soil your little panties.

Allan / November 2, 2006 1:27 PM

Spook has panties?

Spook / November 2, 2006 2:37 PM

Cliff, for you its all about crimes of opportunity
that you max out on from being born into white male supremacy and privilege
Or maybe as an angry "wronged" white male you can go shot up some girls in a school or some pan handling black people

And Allan I'm a boxer man, but tell the truth, what if the fluff-ster asked you to rock some pink Wilma Flinstone panties while feeding Mr. M Friskies for her?

You'd be all over it, right?

Allan / November 2, 2006 4:01 PM

Believe me spook, nobody wants to see that and Mr. Friskies would have no appetite left but if she asked I don't think I could refuse. She has been so kind to me.

Sara / November 2, 2006 4:36 PM

Glamorizing crime seems like a step in the wrong direction. If you were an altruist (or cook or artist or healer or...) what would your specialty be?

Spook / November 2, 2006 5:09 PM

whooppps! You blew that one Allan, I'm shocked!

"Mr. M" is that CAT,

"Friskies" is what" Mr. M", tha cat, eats.

Allan / November 2, 2006 6:35 PM

Spook making me look like a fool an easy thing to do but I have been humiliated by tormentors much crueler than you. You are no doubt a criminal but the men at the Pickle Factory could teach you a few things but fluffy's only crime is stealing this fatso's heart. So leave her out of this!

Allan / November 6, 2006 10:39 AM

Since this post is old I can have free reign. At Last I am king! I will hence forth be know as the Post Poster!

Allan / November 7, 2006 3:46 PM

Heh, heh no one know I am here. I could throw a party if I had any friends. HEY... I COULD MAKE SOME UP!

Barney / November 7, 2006 3:47 PM

Hi Allan it is your friend Barney. What are you doing way back here in the bowels of the Fuel postings?

Allan / November 7, 2006 3:50 PM

Throwing a party BITCH! We have the place to ourselves no one ever comes back here!

Barney / November 7, 2006 3:50 PM

Hey we could masturbate!

Allan / November 7, 2006 3:52 PM

Barney! That is disgusting. I am going to have to ask you to leave! And put that thing away!

Barney / November 7, 2006 3:53 PM

Chill man! Since when are you such a prude. I am outta here!

Allan / November 7, 2006 3:55 PM

GO ON... GET OUT OF HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH... I don't need you. I don't need anybody.

Allan / November 7, 2006 3:56 PM


Allan / November 7, 2006 3:57 PM

This party sucks.

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