Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, September 23

Gapers Block

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Jill / August 26, 2007 11:26 PM

A good stiff drink to start the week off right!

kate / August 27, 2007 2:21 AM

I recommend that things be taken as they are and, when presented, hot rolls always be buttered and consumed with dinner.

In addition, I recommend that my a-little-too-recent-ex be given an anal probe with a nine inch (length and girth) cock.

Oh, and the sno-cones at Welles Park are excellent. I recommend going with red. Mmmm!

Andrew / August 27, 2007 2:33 AM

Leave the gun. Take the canoli.

amyc / August 27, 2007 6:53 AM

Bishop Allen, iced tea, and my homemade cinnamon-vanilla-pear-applesauce.

Also, sleep. I highly recommend sleep.

Justin / August 27, 2007 7:39 AM

Two cookies.

charlie / August 27, 2007 7:42 AM

I recommend thinking twice about checking out Fat Cat bar and grill at Broadway and Sheridan......

The faux "retro" decor looked like a Starbucks. The server was charming if annoying. She asked us 4 times if we were ready to order in about 5 minutes. I'd only had one sip of my miniature Blanche de Bruxxles 10 oz beer.

Burger was quite good but certainly not the Medium Rare I was guaranteed.

So these guys come from a good lineage as I understand. Sheffields, Silver Cloud (though lost most it's cool years ago) if you ask me. They just seemed to toss this place together from some "designers" portfolio........

OK OK it's Uptown, I get the 1920's attempt to design circa a byegone era. My only qustion is why?

charlie / August 27, 2007 7:48 AM

Correction: Broadway and Gunnison.

Only two spis of coffee this morning.

printdude / August 27, 2007 8:01 AM

I recommend growing your hair long.

I recommend that you stay in school. 24, 14, 54, it doesn't matter; keep learning!

I recommend you never ever listen to the gnomes in your garden.

printdude / August 27, 2007 8:03 AM

And if you are ever in Dublin, I highly recommend the Manhattan at the Clarence Hotel Bar.

And the "Kitchen Confidential" DVD.

Ramsin / August 27, 2007 8:21 AM

Listening to Jedi Mind Tricks and the Molemen.

Watching Flight of the Conchords.

Reading the new Make Magazine.

Do the knowledge.

fluffy / August 27, 2007 8:37 AM

don't stop

Shasta / August 27, 2007 8:41 AM

I recommend:

--Angelina's on Sundays.

--Wearing your hair in a COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT afro at least ONCE... public. I haven't tried it yet, but do let me know how it goes.

--Giving benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

--Buying me a drink upon my fast-approaching birthday (the same date and Beyonce, I might add...)

Shasta / August 27, 2007 8:41 AM

I recommend:

--Angelina's on Sundays.

--Wearing your hair in a COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT afro at least ONCE... public. I haven't tried it yet, but do let me know how it goes.

--Giving benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

--Buying me a drink upon my fast-approaching birthday (the same date as Beyonce's, I might add...)

Shasta / August 27, 2007 8:43 AM

I also recommend that Gapers Block add an "edit your post" option to Fuel.

>: /

Bill V / August 27, 2007 8:49 AM

How about a movie? I've seen a few good ones lately but Little Children was pretty darn intense.

Shylo / August 27, 2007 9:16 AM

Keeping one's mouth shut most of the time.

Nicole / August 27, 2007 9:21 AM

Hedge funds.

JohnnyQ / August 27, 2007 9:35 AM

Unplug the TV

mary / August 27, 2007 10:01 AM

treat yourself to dessert and dont forget to floss!

also, shylo, can i assume there is no other shylo bisnett in the chicago area and that cover story features you?

Lilly / August 27, 2007 10:11 AM

go with the blue one, blue looks good on everyone

n / August 27, 2007 10:34 AM

assume goodwill

greumach / August 27, 2007 10:35 AM

I recommend today's special with a glass of 2003 Poggio al Sole Chianti Classico Casasilia.

Daily exercise.

And lots of sleep.

And by "exercise" I mostly mean dancing. And by "sleep" I mean preferably with someone.

Nuke LaLoosh / August 27, 2007 10:41 AM

More exercise and fewer french fries.

A Democrat in the White House.

More iron and less irony.

Spook / August 27, 2007 11:15 AM

prepare yourself for an economic depression and the decline of America as the leading super and industrial power. The rubber band has broken. See I told you so.

greumach / August 27, 2007 11:22 AM

Also: Not living life in default mode.

madachode / August 27, 2007 11:42 AM

Going to England to get electro-shock therapy, it will make people who have drifted or can't decide straight again and also make them aware that there will be republicans in the white house forever.

annie / August 27, 2007 11:55 AM

having lots of sex with the one you love.

spence / August 27, 2007 11:57 AM

Travel as much as you can before it's no longer feasible.

Katie / August 27, 2007 11:59 AM

The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight: The Fate of the World and What We Can Do BeforeIt's Too Late, by Thom Hartmann

JasonB / August 27, 2007 12:00 PM

homemade Ann Sather Cinnamon Rolls:

1 (1 1/4 ounce) envelope active dry yeast
1 teaspoon sugar
1/4 cup warm water (110 degrees)
1 cup milk, scalded then cooled
1/4 cup butter, melted
1/3 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 1/2-3 cups all-purpose flour
4 tablespoons butter, room temperature
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
Powdered sugar icing
1 cup sifted powdered sugar
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon milk, plus additional as needed

1. In a large bowl, stir the yeast and 1 teaspoon of sugar into the warm water and let stand for 5 minutes; stir in milk, melted butter, 1/3 cup sugar, salt and 1 cup flour; beat with a spoon or an electric mixer until smooth.
2. Gradually stir in 1 1/2 cups flour, keeping the dough smooth; if the dough is still moist, stir in 1 tablespoon flour at a time to make a soft dough; cover with a dry cloth and let it rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.
3. Heat oven to 350°.
4. Divide the raised dough in half.
5. On a lightly oiled board, roll out (with a lightly floured rolling pin) and stretch 1 piece of dough to make a 12-by-8-inch rectangle; spread 2 tablespoons of the soft butter over the top of the dough; sprinkle with half of the brown sugar and cinnamon; beginning on the long side, roll up tightly, jelly-roll fashion.
6. Repeat with remaining dough.
7. Cut the dough into 2-inch slices; place on greased and floured baking sheets; let the dough rise (in a warm place) until doubled in bulk, about 45 minutes.
8. Bake in the oven for 12-15 minutes, or until golden brown.
9. Take the baking sheets out of the oven and place the cinnamon rolls on a wire rack to cool.
10. Top rolls with powdered sugar icing immediately.
11. Serve warm or at room temperature.
12. Powdered Sugar Icing: Combine sugar, vanilla and 1 tablespoon milk in a small bowl; stir in additional milk, 1 teaspoon at a time, until icing is loose enough to drizzle.

If it tastes bad, then you made it wrong or I suck at delivering a recipe

editorkid / August 27, 2007 12:16 PM

Smile back.

Doyle / August 27, 2007 12:17 PM

Stop wearing Crocs...just stop it.

Mikey / August 27, 2007 12:25 PM

I recommend that you:

Choose the red pill...

Eat at Cafe 231 for breakfast and/or lunch if you work anywhere near the Bank of America building...

Select running backs with your first two picks in fantasy football drafts...

Vacation in Italy if you ever have the means, and stay for as long as you possibly can...

Volunteer, foster or adopt a dog from New Leash on Life - Chicago (

Try yoga...

Always keep an open mind...

skafiend / August 27, 2007 12:26 PM

....blowing off work at least twice a month

...everyone not paying their parking tickets for two or three months. they can't tow all of us

...laying off the caffene for a while

...moving to Indianapois instead of Chicago after grad school

...DVDs over going to the theater

...waiting for the next bus

...chilling a bit with the blogging

...taking the sweaters to the cleaners now. why wait?

skafiend / August 27, 2007 12:29 PM

....blowing off work at least twice a month

...everyone not paying their parking tickets for two or three months. they can't tow all of us

...laying off the caffene for a while

...moving to Indianapois instead of Chicago after grad school

...DVDs over going to the theater

...waiting for the next bus

...chilling a bit with the blogging

...taking the sweaters to the cleaners now. why wait?

hilary / August 27, 2007 12:30 PM

try it's a pretty damn neato site.

Tobermory / August 27, 2007 12:45 PM

... a chunk of 10 year-old cheddar on some fresh crusty bread with a cold bottle of New Glarus Brewery Spotted Cow beer while on the porch swing at The Little Sugar River Farm ( But not next week 'cause I'll be there.

Oh, and take a belly dancing class.

p / August 27, 2007 12:54 PM

walk down the hill and fuck them all. diversify your portfolio. say something funny to that pretty girl, then get drank w/ her. embrace Y.O.L.O. and travel solo. don't be cheap. don't bad-mouth justin timberlake (it's corny). tell them how you RILLY feel about it. buy a watermelon and eat the whole damn thing.

editorkid / August 27, 2007 1:23 PM

A baguette, some cheese, and some fresh fruit from Fox & Obel.

Ron / August 27, 2007 1:38 PM

I recommend you start doing all the things you're dreamed of.

Fear nothing.

Before making an important decision, ask yourself "Is someone going to hit me with a stick if I do this?" If the answer is no... then by all means do it.

Josh / August 27, 2007 1:50 PM

Don't worry.

Enjoy yourself. You're going to die someday. Live it up now.

Always keep your cool.

Get it over with.

Do the hard work until you can't do it anymore. A well-earned sigh is very undervalued these days.

Keep your mouth shut.

Always embrace the weather, no matter what it is.

Share your home with another living being - either a person, a pet, or plants.

clodius / August 27, 2007 2:41 PM

The Patty Melt is always good.

winediva / August 27, 2007 2:53 PM

The cheap white wine at a low rent wedding is always better than the red. Get it ice cold; it masks most of the aroma and makes it easier to choke down.

Krissy / August 27, 2007 3:08 PM

Checking your local library's graphic novel section. Over there in the P6728's.

Shylo / August 27, 2007 3:19 PM

Mary, yes. And I also recommend that if you're going to let a reporter take pictures of you at 2 a.m., you might want to wear some makeup and run a comb through your hair.

Emerson Dameron / August 27, 2007 3:24 PM

Figure out how to break into your apartment.

Ken / August 27, 2007 3:25 PM

one bourbon, one scotch and one beer

Ken / August 27, 2007 3:36 PM

oh and walking barefoot in the grass, I can't believe how much the grass down here in FL sucks...I really miss the grass up there

printdude / August 27, 2007 3:51 PM

I recommend staying the hell away from the flortiam, Ken!

Ken / August 27, 2007 4:03 PM

Absolutely printdude. That stuff sucks. I say just leave it all sand.

Michael / August 27, 2007 4:26 PM

Stop telling yourself you're happy with the girl you're staying with because you're scared to be single and dump her. (I finally did and I feel great)

taJ / August 27, 2007 4:51 PM

• nature
• good sleep
• don't procrastinate
• if you're creative in any way-do
not neglect your art
• love
• drink a lot of water
• keep in touch

now i gotta get busy walking my talk

editorkid / August 27, 2007 4:54 PM

Stopping at Fox & Obel's bakery long enough to pick up one of their cinnamon rolls and saving it for the morning.

tom75 / August 27, 2007 4:56 PM

Leave Chicago.

After the RTA goes down in flames, the quality of life here will not be worth the price it costs to live in the city.

Ralphie / August 27, 2007 5:39 PM

I recommend not saying that shit. I can't tell you how many times I swallowed saying something to my wife that would have seriously pissed her off. And later realized I was glad I didn't say it because it didn't really matter to begin with.

lolo / August 27, 2007 6:58 PM

If anyone ever tells you to "just be yourself," or your partner tells you that "your feelings matter in this matter, too" & you suspect that they're full of it & are the sort that'll bust your ass with a double standard should you ever really act on their advice...then feel free to laugh in their face.

But don't let that stop you from being yourself or acting on the principle that your feelings matter.

natalia / August 27, 2007 7:44 PM

sultan's market falafel.
skinnydippin in the lake at midnight. 'not postponing what you can do today till tomorrow'. listening to the advice of your grandmother. andrew bird. not to go to law school. dating romanians. thus ignoring the advice of your grandmother on that.

Michelle / August 27, 2007 7:49 PM


Seriously, when will all of the lobster-people learn?

rah / August 27, 2007 11:31 PM

That blue one on the the top up, over...over...yeah! yeah that one! Good choice.

leelah / August 27, 2007 11:39 PM

the rielsling.... Kung Fu Girl

Leelah / August 28, 2007 8:30 AM

I tried to correct this last night but it wouldn't go through.... riesling...

J D / August 28, 2007 9:01 AM

The Onion
And "chili rellenos" from Mamacitas on Clark.

editorkid / August 28, 2007 9:18 AM

Heating and enjoying the cinnamon roll you got from Fox & Obel the previous day.

And I agree with tom75: The imminent collapse of the RTA is a sign of how unlivable this city has become and will continue to become.

dbs / August 28, 2007 9:30 AM

fried chicken mondays at west town tavern!

i've been meaning to get there for months and finally did last night. it's a fantastic way to spend $16!
(though we ran the bill up considerably with adult beverages.)

Suzanne / August 28, 2007 10:44 AM

Pilot precise V5 pens in extra fine.

A two-week trip to an Islamic state to kick your smoking or drinking habits. Go through withdrawl in Tajkistan!

Spook / August 28, 2007 11:00 AM

Read at least a book a month on a subject that will make you think more deeply and critically about the World and your place in it.

Take a small principled personal stand, like boycotting the Red Eye

Don’t watch reality TV, no matter how much you like it. It’s not good for you and worst for society.

When you hear something racist, homophobic, sexist , or classist, speak out no matter where, especially if you are a lone voice. hopefully your increased reading( see above) will give you the intellectual capital to defend your point with more clarity as time goes by.

No matter what your profession, take time to create some sort of art and consider yourself artists first and foremost because of it

Spook / August 28, 2007 11:04 AM


Skafiend, I took the day off work yesterday!

Thanks for the fried chicken tip! I'm all on it!
Its just not enough fried chicken spots up north!

Spook / August 28, 2007 11:05 AM


Skafiend, I took the day off work yesterday!

Thanks for the fried chicken tip! I'm all on it!
Its just not enough fried chicken spots up north!

leah / August 28, 2007 11:40 AM

I recommend the hiking at Matthiesen State Park over the more well known Starved Rock State Park.

Traipse through the water & sneak around to find secret waterfalls!

fluffy / August 28, 2007 11:52 AM

don't take yourself too seriously!

editorkid / August 28, 2007 11:59 AM

Use the serial comma. If you care about humanity, use the serial comma.

skafiend / August 28, 2007 12:32 PM

Alright! I blew off Monday at work too, and guess what?... It didn't collapse without me and I didn't get fired!

And a fucking good list too, I might add. Especially the reality TV show part. There is nothing "real" about any of them and make a mockery of real hardship in life. Fuck Suvivor! I can see people playing "Survivor" any day on the west side....

Lori / August 28, 2007 2:29 PM

I have three, only one of which have I experienced today:

smelling the tops of babies heads.

Johnnies Beef

the game Blokus

d. / August 28, 2007 3:55 PM

remember to remind yourself it's ok to try and be happy. and that it's not as selfish as it seems. happiness is contagious, in a good way.

and also, if you give a fuck about somebody, it's best to let them know before it's too late.

amyc / August 28, 2007 4:34 PM

Use the serial comma. If you care about humanity, use the serial comma.

Three cheers to you, editorkid! One, two, and three cheers!

jen / August 28, 2007 5:02 PM

someone told me it's no longer taught to put the comma before the "and" in a list, as amyc did above. can anyone confirm/deny?
first the elimination of the double-space after a period and now this?! i am with spook - i am still using the double-space at the end of sentences, AND refusing to read the red eye. ;)

mo / August 28, 2007 6:22 PM

wait, what? no double space after a period? I don't think I could break myself of that. I would just have to search and replace the double space later.

i recommend going on a super long bike ride, longer than you've ever ridden before and longer than you think possible for yourself. I just did, and I feel great, though my tailbone is still aching.

I also recommend reading Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods. Great book!

amyc / August 28, 2007 7:05 PM

Jen, the age of word processing and variable-width type has rendered the double space obsolete. There is no such reason not to use a serial comma, however, despite what the Associated Press would have you believe.

Leelah / August 28, 2007 7:32 PM

I'm an English teacher who hates that comma, but I teach my students that either way is acceptable... that's according to the grammar books.

Here's why I hate it...
You wouldn't write this sentence: "I bought eggs, and milk."
You'd write: "I bought eggs and milk."
It makes no sense to add in that comma when you add a third ingredient: "I bought butter, eggs and milk."

However, in longer sentences, that final serial comma supposedly eliminates ambiguity or confusion. I say if you need that comma to eliminate confusion, maybe there's something wrong with your sentence.

a / August 28, 2007 9:24 PM

Baking as much bread as you can on the day before you go back to school. It could easily be ten more months before the stand mixer comes out again.

Wearing gel insoles. No matter how obnoxious those commercials are.

Using starch when ironing.

Putting all your dry pantry goods that come in paper packaging (i.e. flours, sugars, rices) in tupperware.

Knowing and remembering which side of your street floods.

Buying the good yarn instead of the overpriced acrylic crap at Joann's.

Taking a point&shoot camera with you as much as possible.

bucky / August 29, 2007 9:54 AM

visit different neighborhoods. expand your horizons and see what other parts of the city look like. visit the south side - and i don't just mean bridgeport. go to the far south side. no, you won't be in danger. yes, you will see some very neat 'hoods.

Blagg the Axman / August 29, 2007 10:20 AM

Never bed down for the night in strange country with your ax (or other chosen weapon) further than an arm's length away; better yet, slip it under your pillow.

editorkid / August 29, 2007 4:27 PM

The serial comma is a style issue, not a grammar issue. I'd imagine the amount of coverage it needs in school comes down to "It's optional. Some places will tell you to use it; some places will tell you not to. If you're on your own, be consistent." It sounds like that's more or less what you tell them, Leelah.

It is odd how each side infuriates the other just by that other side's existence. It's an arbitrary style point that carries all the weight of the most fundamentalist religious queries. Maybe someday Fuel can feature "Serial comma: Yes or no?" and we can all hate each other after a week.

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