Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Thursday, July 18

Gapers Block

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Andrew / July 31, 2006 12:17 AM

It's so hot, I saw two trees fighting over a dog.

Baldeesh / July 31, 2006 12:46 AM

It's so hot mob informants look forward to getting dumped in the river.

robin.. / July 31, 2006 9:06 AM

It's so hot that everyone is bitching about it and I'm sick of everyone bitching about it.

It's so hot that continental Europe is starting to really feel the effects of a worldwide warm up that will only get worse--and will do so in our forseeable lifetimes (as in, before I turn fifty. I'm 27).

It's so hot that I want to punch every weather person on the news in the face when they talk about "thinking about february," because come february they'll just be bitching about the cold.

It's so hot that even the hipster fellows at Pitchfork this weekend were moved to sacrifice fashion for comfort and wear things like...gym shorts with short sleeved plaid button-down shirts. Eew.

It's so hot that people are feeling compelled to talk about how bad global warming is, whereas in the winter they make lame, LAME statements like "If this kind of mild winter is the result of global warming, sign me up!"

It's so hot that I've completely lost my sense of humour.

Marilyn / July 31, 2006 9:35 AM

It's so hot, the penguins aren't marching - they're wading.

james / July 31, 2006 9:44 AM

rketh a e ita rj i tae ijgnz ;lirjjg;li oi gii g erg sg;vn h;v ndg ovnm doifvsoidffogbono fnh gnvnfng li o goi og oi goi o gj gi oog eooigooier gg rgo o g ihhsi o oihg ooii ogis ij jisi jjs g oo oioi ogtoijogio ij go o

Steve / July 31, 2006 10:44 AM

"It's so hot, Ed's dehydrating and passing out after his seventh Scotch and soda instead of his twelfth."

Carlos / July 31, 2006 10:44 AM

[carson]It's so hot that they had to put Joan Rivers on ice or she'd melt![/carson]

printdude / July 31, 2006 11:04 AM

The Blood in my ex-wife's veins has finally reached 50º

printdude / July 31, 2006 11:06 AM

"people are actually going into the water at Santa Monica beach"

printdude / July 31, 2006 11:19 AM

"Ed is actually putting ice in his scotch."

Terminal Verbosity / July 31, 2006 11:21 AM

"...people's ears were burning before they heard the Nixon tapes."


Nelson Money / July 31, 2006 12:41 PM

"...that Chicagoans are laughing at what wimps New Yorkers must be for complaining about this."

Ouch / July 31, 2006 1:18 PM

It is SOOOOO hot, the President has decided to outsource American weather to India.

PrairieMod / July 31, 2006 1:59 PM

....where can we find info on solutions to this global warming thing?

Answer: Dwell Magazine!

Marilyn / July 31, 2006 2:06 PM

It's so hot that Dubya has asked the Congress to rush through a bill to build windmills in the Midwest to cool people off.

kate / July 31, 2006 2:19 PM

I can't do Carson humor.

But it's so hot that I have swass.

It's so hot that I felt sweat running down my back as I was waiting for the bus at 8:30 AM.

It's so hot that I stop paying attention to the "feels like" temperature. Triple digits means I ain't listening anymore.

Bill V / July 31, 2006 2:24 PM

It's so hot it's almost a chore to read Gapers Block!

p / July 31, 2006 2:46 PM

Mookie, I told you already it's too
fucking hot to make love.

Why you gotta curse?

I'm sorry, but no rawness is
jumping off tonight.

No rawness.

Mikey / July 31, 2006 5:53 PM

But it's so hot that I have swass.

Would that be short for "sweaty ass""? I may be permanently borrowing that word...

winediva / July 31, 2006 6:22 PM

Its so hot that Satan just bought a summer condo here.

clucker / July 31, 2006 7:35 PM

it's so hot that I went to the store to buy some eggs, and by the time I got home I had twelve chicks in the bag.

only one of them was a hottie though...


leno / July 31, 2006 8:48 PM

It was so hot in Palm Springs the Betty Ford Center said, "Screw it, open the bar. Drinks for everybody”

kate / July 31, 2006 10:36 PM

Mikey -
Yes. Sweaty ass. Or swamp ass. Either way, it's unpleasant... yet delightfully fun to say!

Steve / July 31, 2006 11:02 PM

"It's so hot that Annie Maxfield reported this morning that 'Temperatures will reach triple digits today, if not hotter.' Man, you really need to drink the iced tea down when it reaches quadruple digits."

mike / August 1, 2006 8:34 AM

It's so hot that someone at Exxon uttered "global warming" instead of "climate change."

Oketo / August 1, 2006 9:12 AM

It's so hot that even Mayor Daley is feeling some heat.

Mayor Daley / August 1, 2006 9:25 AM

Heat? What heat should I feeling? That's ridiculous!

Mayor Daley / August 1, 2006 9:27 AM

That should be "...should I be feeling". Damn speechwriters.....

Steve / August 1, 2006 9:34 AM

"It's so hot that Blagg the Axman seems to have retired to a cool cave somewhere without internet ax-ess. No doubt many foul creatures of the netherworld had to be slain first, though."

Mike / August 1, 2006 10:14 AM

What WAS with all the horrible gym shorts at Pitchfork? Did anyone see the guy in skin tight American Apparel green gym shorts and matching shirt? He also had the requisite headband. He looked like he was about to go play tennis in 1974.

Mikey / August 1, 2006 10:28 AM

It's so hot that I'm actually looking forward to a good, old-fashioned Chicago winter...

Yakov Smirnov / August 1, 2006 10:49 AM

in mother country, it's so hot that heat beats you.

mary / August 1, 2006 11:01 AM

mike - you can blame royal tenenbaums for that whole movement of guys in short red shorts.

my fave was seeing the britney spears (cut off shorts with pockets peeking through) on guys.

Allan / August 1, 2006 11:18 AM

It is so hot that when I went to have a piss steam came out.

It is so hot that my last bowel movement was eating a popsicle.

It is so hot that there have been several power outages which may result in numerous heat related deaths...for me to poop on!

vit / August 1, 2006 11:32 AM

Mike -- Pitchfork was a good reminder of the fact that 'cool' has apparently marched on without me. Am I alone in that thinking the Indie-rock nerd look is just damn silly?

fluffy / August 1, 2006 12:13 PM

It's so hot, cows are giving evaporated milk. That's an old one.

who cares what hipsters/indie rock nerds wear- everyone should create their own unique puppet and carry it with them wherever they go.

Marilyn / August 1, 2006 12:31 PM

It's so hot that Dick Cheney said to his unique puppet, "Mr. President, we should invade Antarctica and take over its refrigeration capabilities."

annie / August 1, 2006 12:58 PM

It's so hot that I have a swass/swoob combo. I love being a girl.

flips / August 1, 2006 1:05 PM

LOL Swass and Swoob.

It's so hot that I'm actually drinking all the water I should be drinking on a daily basis. So this is what it's like. hmm.

(yeh, I admit, not that funny, but true)

Annie / August 1, 2006 1:07 PM

It's so hot that I don't mind these motherfuckin' snakes on my motherfuckin' plane, as long as the AC works.

loadzone / August 1, 2006 1:35 PM

It's so hot out, the city's got a fleet of buses getting people out of the sun and under yo momma's shade.

slb / August 1, 2006 1:44 PM

it's so hot out that it's **freezing** inside the building where i work.

it's not funny, and it doesn't make sense, but it is true.

besides, it's too hot outside to try to be funny.

Allan / August 1, 2006 1:57 PM

It so hot I am volunteering as a Swass and Swoob inspector going door to door making sure every thing is okay but I will also be working the streets, C.T.A. trains and buses, beaches, bars and discotheques. Ladies only.

Marilyn / August 1, 2006 2:21 PM

It's so hot out that I ate Allan's fried brains off the sidewalk where they spilled when he was bludgeoned for doing a swass and swoob inspection on the wrong gal.

ha-loser / August 1, 2006 2:35 PM

It's soo hot that one of Marilyn's comments are actually funny.

Nevermind... it's not that hot.

printdude / August 1, 2006 2:51 PM

It is so hot out that the alewives have decided to stay in the water this year.

Allan / August 1, 2006 3:02 PM

It is so hot that Marilyn's excessive Swass and or Swoob has made her wish me ill for no apparent reason. Luckily I am available as it seems that on days like these my work is never done but I love volunteer work.

Felix / August 1, 2006 3:07 PM

It's so hot...

It's so hot that...

It's so hot that my lady's sugar tits are now carmelized boobies.

Marilyn / August 1, 2006 3:38 PM

It's so hot that Allan has lost his judgment and sense of humor regarding personal space.

fluffy / August 1, 2006 3:47 PM

It's so hot that Marylin's swalls are bigger than Allan's. But at least Allan's getting more swussy than Marilyn.

c'mon party people, it's going to cool off soon, so why can't we.........get your puppets ready!

Miz M / August 1, 2006 4:15 PM

It's so hot that the farmer's markets are only servin' up stir fry.

Oketo! / August 1, 2006 4:47 PM

It's so hot that $17 million for the Crown Fountain seems like a deal.

Zombie / August 1, 2006 5:26 PM

It's so hot that I'm going to let Marilyn have Allan's brains.

Brains really are too heavy in this heat.

Eyeballs, on the other hand...

lara / August 1, 2006 6:17 PM

it's so hot that i am only mildly annoyed at allan's uninspired sexist comment and only slightly heartened by marilyn's snappy comeback.

yay, marilyn.

allan, does that sort of banter get you anything other than irritated gb responses and yuk-yuk-yuks from your equally pathetic loser man-friends?

Allan / August 1, 2006 8:40 PM

Why the ladies be hate'n? Hey I did not invent "Swass" nor did I come up with the term "Swoob" but I am a verbal capitalist and one of the reasons this city is such a great place to live in. Would I love to do a little Swoob inspecting? Yes, Yes I would. Would I thoroughly enjoy a bit of Swass on my face? Without a doubt. Does this make me "Uninspired" and "Sexist"? Possibly. Never the less I have feelings and a bit of Swass and Swoob of my own and I would not discriminate against any relatively attractive female interested in doing some inspection work.

lara / August 1, 2006 9:25 PM

allan, no one is knocking your 'verbal capitalism'. in fact, i like those who appropriate language a great deal. however, your usage of such language is quite oppressive. being groped by strange men on the cta, at beaches, on the streets might seem like a public service on your part, but as a woman who is subject to unwanted male attention each day, i can tell you that your "offer" is simply offensive, uninteresting, and places you firmly in the category of the disregarded, at least from where i am standing. i suspect many other women feel similarly. so, although gb is hardly the proper forum for offering dating advice, i do take this moment to suggest that if you actually hope to be granted access to some 'lady swass and swoob", you consider refining your conversation skills a bit. good luck.

Allan / August 1, 2006 9:57 PM

It is so hot I think lara may be flirting with me and offering me personal dating lessons.

It is so hot that I was able to forget if only for a few moments what a sad lonely man I really am.

It i so hot that, that...ah forget it.

Spook / August 1, 2006 10:58 PM

Its so hot that allan's I.Q actually rose two points above Zero, but obviously, not hot enough for Buffy to just shut up

lara / August 1, 2006 11:28 PM

it's so hot that i think allan and i overcame our differences.

(allan, i know i for one find honesty much more attractive than bravado)

it's so hot that i think it's time for a new fuel thread that takes our minds off of it...

Stacia Yeapanis / August 2, 2006 12:21 AM

It's so hot, Spook just used "Buffy"as if it were a bad thing. She is a superhero, ya know. And so is Lara. Buffy has been a compliment since the late 90s.

Spook / August 2, 2006 12:22 AM

New thread indeed, but it is so hot that rumor has it that it was the mighty Blagg the Axman, who applied his legendary Ax to a fire hydrant on Cortland and Lawndale Street, putting happy summer smiles, for ever to be remembered, on numerous youngsters and a few adults with over side friendly dogs

steve R / July 10, 2007 12:19 PM

It's so COLD, that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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