Andrew / January 30, 2008 1:01 AM

Suggested by JD, who says, "How bout another round of "jokes"? The last one, awhile ago, was HILARIOUS."

m / January 30, 2008 8:54 AM

ok, this was a joke told to my family in an airport on the shuttle bus when i was about 14.

A little boy and his mother are grocery shopping as the grandfather is coming to stay with them for the weekend. In the middle of the store, the little boy screams "Mommy mommy! I have to piss!" Horrified, the mother tells her son "That's not the kind of language you should be using. Next time you have to use the bathroom, tell me you have to whisper, and I will know to take you to the bathroom".

The weekend passes on and the little boy asks the grandfather to sleep in his room (in his bunkbed) for the last night.
In the middle of the night, the little boy wakes up, screams "GRANDPA GRANDPA!! I HAVE TO WHISPER!!!!!!!"

The grandfather replies "Fine, fine, come do it in my ear"

*insert laughter here*

The Grandfather then says, "Well, at least you didnt have to shout"

p / January 30, 2008 9:19 AM

coupla dudes are hanging out on Roosevelt Avenue and one of them gets shot. The other guy drops down, cradles his buddy in his arms and tries to do all he can for him. Realizing the best he can do is call an ambulance he dials 911. He's tells the operator the situation and that they need some help. Operator says, "I understand sir, can you please state your location." The dude says "I already told you we're on Roosevelt. Roosevelt!!" Operator says- "sir, could you please spell that?" The buddy is getting more frantic but says "Yeah- that's uh......R..O..W...nah....R...OS..E...um..uh....Fuck it I'll carry him down to Polk. P.O.L.K."

eep / January 30, 2008 9:58 AM

Q: Why didn't the pirate clean the dishes before walking the plank?

A: He knew he'd wash up on shore later.

Q: Why was the alien hanging around the computer?

A: He was looking for the space bar!

printdude / January 30, 2008 10:18 AM

Did you hear that Hilary has been caught fooling around on Bill?

She's been blowing the election.

clodius / January 30, 2008 10:23 AM

A: Knock, knock...

B: Who's there?

A: 9/11

B: 9/11 who?

A: I thought you'd never forget.

Josh / January 30, 2008 10:52 AM

Q: Why doesn't anybody trust Italians?

A: Forget about it!

Q: How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Let's play video games!

Spook / January 30, 2008 10:53 AM

It's so cold a Chicago alderman was seen with his hands in his own pockets.

Its so cold,that a puppy huddled up against Barbara Bush for warmth.

CC / January 30, 2008 11:09 AM

Yes.

luke / January 30, 2008 11:41 AM

stole this yesterday...

what did buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

"make me one with everything"

Go Cubs Go / January 30, 2008 11:45 AM

I just know punchlines.

"That's nacho cheese! That's nacho cheese!..."

"I know, but it's eating my popcorn."

"...The breakfast was my idea."

"I want to gargle first before Sister Mary sticks her butt in the water."

Mikey / January 30, 2008 12:01 PM

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They'll let their children worry about it.

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to change it; Three to do an environmental impact study; Two to ensure that Affirmative Action criteria are being met; One to liase with the Unions; Five to grumble about how the Republicans were trying to keep everyone in the dark; Two to get an abortion to celebrate the occasion; Three to hold a press conference calling attention to their accomplishment and proclaiming how much more brightly the bulb would be shining if we elected more Democrats to office; and three to pass a law banning incandescent light bulbs, because they cause global warming. However, when it's all over, everyone is still in the dark because the Democrats don't have enough sense to flip the switch.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should already be open when she brings it to you.

Hey-ooo!!! You've been a teriffic audience!

d. / January 30, 2008 12:32 PM

Joke 1:

-Knock, knock!
Who's there?
-Smell Mop!
Smell Mop who?
-No way, that's sick!

Joke 2:

Two men are on a hunting trip when all of the sudden one of them collapses to the ground, motionless. The other hunter takes his phone and calls 911.

Hunter: I don't know what happened to my friend, he isn't moving. I think he is dead, please help me!

Operator: Calm down sir. Are you absolutely sure that he is dead?

Hunter: Hold on a sec.

Footsteps and after that a loud "BANG!".

Hunter: Ok, now what?

Joke 3 (My Favorite Joke Ever):

An old preacher was out fishing with one of his young stable boys. The preacher lands this monster fish, a total beauty. He says to the boy "look at that Son-of-a-bitch!"

The boy is taken aback and corrects the preacher. The preacher, trying to cover his tracks says "No, that is the kind of fish it is... a Son-of-a-bitch!" So they take it back to the monastery and have the nuns cook it up for the big Pope visit that night.

The Nun serves the Pope, and says "your Holiness, I carry to you this Son-of-a-bitch."

The server says "and I prepared this Son-of-a-bitch for you."

The cook then comes out and says "your holiness, I cooked the Son-of-a-bitch."

So the Pope looks up and says "You know what? You fuckers are alright!!!!"

Mikey / January 30, 2008 12:48 PM

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street, and they see a little boy. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Lets screw him." and the rabbi asks, "Out of what?"

And one more... / January 30, 2008 12:56 PM

FBI Interview

The FBI is considering two men and a woman to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies"Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The woman comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives her a gun, and tells her to go kill her husband. The woman goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The woman comes out of the room all sweaty, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at her and says "What happened?!?!", to which the woman replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

RH / January 30, 2008 1:57 PM

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I have this problem. I have 5 penises."
Doctor asks "Oh, my god. How do your pants fit?"
Man says "Like a glove."

mikely / January 30, 2008 2:08 PM

There is a man who has three girlfriends and he has no idea which one he should marry. They are all thoughtful and unique in their own way. So he decides to give each girlfriend $5000 and see what each does with it.

The first girlfriend goes out and gets a total makeover. New clothes, new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, etc. She tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second girlfriend goes out and buys new golf clubs, a CD player, a plasma TV and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third girlfriend invests the $5000 in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the original $5000 to the man and then reinvests the rest. She says, "I'm investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thinks long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decides to marry the one with the largest breasts.

better spoken than read / January 30, 2008 2:50 PM

Two peanuts were walking in the park and one was a salted.

Cletus Warhol / January 30, 2008 2:50 PM

Q- Did you hear they found Osama Bin Laden?

A- Yeah, the AARP found out that he'd turned 55.

a. / January 30, 2008 2:53 PM

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer and a mop."

kate / January 30, 2008 3:47 PM

I only tell wildly inappropriate jokes. Here's one of my favs.

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick up a girl's ass.

ba-ZING!

JD / January 30, 2008 4:45 PM

THANKS Andrew!

This is great!

Michael / January 30, 2008 8:48 PM

What's orange and red and looks good on hippies?

Fire.

jr / January 30, 2008 9:29 PM

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Steven / January 30, 2008 11:03 PM

I hesitate to repeat this because I think the media frenzy surrounding his death is nauseating, but it is kind of funny in a way. An inappropriate way.

Did you hear that Heath Ledger OD'ed? Yeah, he got addicted to crack while making Brokeback Mountain.

kvg / January 30, 2008 11:30 PM

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it's hot in here, isn't it?" The other one says, "Holy shit - a talking muffin!"

Jen / January 30, 2008 11:46 PM

Q: What's the difference between God and a bartender?
A: God doesn't think he's a bartender.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bartender and an elephant?
A: An elephant that steals.

Hey Fred D. / January 31, 2008 9:37 AM

Q: What does a peeled grape feel like?
A: A gorilla's eyeball.

Q: The are are two flies in the kitchen. Which one is the cowboy?
A: The one on the range.

I'm a hit at 5-year-old's parties.

printdude / January 31, 2008 10:16 AM

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who
was better on the computer. They had been going at it for
days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the
bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I
am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and
from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster
than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain
poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse
word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them
restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming: "IT'S GONE!...IT'S ALL GONE! "I lost
everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his
files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this
and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come
he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES!"

waahhh / January 31, 2008 11:37 AM

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

David / January 31, 2008 1:44 PM

Q: What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his socks?

A: Ble-ach!

Bonus points if, like me, you have to explain the joke to your dad, who furrows his brow and says "Beeyach? What's a beeyach?"

Jeremy / January 31, 2008 3:37 PM

What's the best birth control?

Make your cum taste like chocolate!

amy / January 31, 2008 4:11 PM

My grandfather used to say this at dinner time:

"Now, eat every carrot and pea on your plate!"

Eamon / January 31, 2008 6:47 PM

Our neighbor's kid, at four years old, told us this one:

Q: What did the lion eat at the restaurant?

A: The waitress!

Jennifer / April 25, 2008 10:24 AM

Not so much a joke but so funny I laughed til I cried....my husband said that he has experienced them all LOL!!!!!

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

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