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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Monday, March 4

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dan / January 25, 2006 11:47 AM

The "Chicago Encased Meats".

As far as what sport they'd play? Um, ultimate frisbee? video gaming?

Something that doesn't involve too much exercise, y'know.

Carlotta / January 25, 2006 11:55 AM

Chicago's second NFL team can be called the Blow Hards, emulating their trash-talking, performance-challenged predecessors.

Paul / January 25, 2006 12:43 PM

We could use a Rollerball team (the James Caan version of course).

I'm really surprised we don't have a team called the "Big Shoulders"

Strawberry / January 25, 2006 12:43 PM

I'd like to see an air hockey team. Can't thin of any clever names...

e_five / January 25, 2006 12:55 PM

I hope that one day we get a professional hockey team.

e_five / January 25, 2006 12:58 PM

Pro pole vaulting. Call them the Chicago Skyscrapers.

Steve / January 25, 2006 1:06 PM

Curling. Chicago needs itself a curling team.

Sure, they'd have to play indoors since we don't get real oldskool freezing winters anymore, but between the UC and the Allstate Arena, we've got things covered.

We shall know this new team as the Windy City Wind Chill.

MikeH / January 25, 2006 1:07 PM

The Chicago Machine...ahem, I mean "Da Machine"...

Strawberry's New Friend / January 25, 2006 1:11 PM

I am a fan of airhockey as well, although my dear Strawberry - there are virtually no bars that stock the tables. Do you know of a secret hideout?

Andrew / January 25, 2006 1:35 PM

Curling. Chicago needs itself a curling team.

Ah, but we have one! Not professional, exactly, but the Chicago Curling Club is home to the two-time US Senior Women's Champs!

I'm predicting pro volleyball: the Chicago Lake Effect.

Baron von Raschke / January 25, 2006 1:59 PM

Chicago will be the home base of a pro wrestling heel named Chad, who will earn fans' hatred by having a condo built next to their favorite wrestling arena, complaining about the noise, and threatening to have it closed down. After a few months, his tag partner the Gentrifier will debut, sporting black Prada and driving up the rent on the same arena by opening boutiques and espresso bars all around it.

Eventually these miscreants will be driven off by hometown heroes Powerful Pete Polski, El Tigre, and Sweet Willie Woodlawn, three fat guys who bring a case of Old Style to the ring at every match.

Christy / January 25, 2006 3:01 PM

Funny that you ask. This June, you can see the season opener for the new Chicago Machine lacrosse team.

Mister C / January 25, 2006 3:18 PM

Since sports mascots are often based on stereotypes, I've got to go with:

Lincoln Park Chads- Either Polo or Rugby.

Bucktown Hipsters- Hackeysack, Bong hits, or Sneering.

I also envision a team called the Chicago Bribe or the Chicago Clout, but I can't figure out what sport.

Marc / January 25, 2006 3:35 PM

Lincoln Park already has a rugby team Lincoln Park Rugby Football Club. Not at all Chadlike.

We need more of the "regular joe" Rugby Union action in the news so all Americans can see how much fun it is and come out and play!

slb / January 25, 2006 4:13 PM

competitive eating - the Chicago Girth.

Roni / January 25, 2006 4:34 PM

We did have a semi-pro volleyball team a few years back. I want to say they were named the Thunder. Hmmm...

As for a new sport? Herding toddlers. It's even funnier to watch than herding cats.

Hal / January 25, 2006 4:42 PM

Or course Marc forgets to give props to his own damned rugby team, the Chicago Dragons, which is even less Chadlike, it's safe to say. ;-)

Having just seen Batman Begins again, I'd have to say NASCAR (or general professional auto racing) in Lower Wacker would be kick. ass. Don't know where you'd put view stands, though.

AllAN / January 25, 2006 4:47 PM

How about the Chicago Fats cycling team.

Eamon / January 25, 2006 6:41 PM

The Chicago Iras, who will promptly pull up stakes and become the New York Glasses.

And all of Chicago will die a little that day.

Greg / January 26, 2006 9:26 AM

An ABA franchise has already been announced for Chicago; the Rockstars. They may fold before playing, or the league may, who knows.

The next sport to hit Chicago will be indoor lacrosse of the NLL, as opposed to Steinfeld's MLL field lax league. I predict they'll be the Chicago Slaughter and play at UIC.

AllAN / January 26, 2006 9:32 AM

I can't believe TAL is moving to New York what a bunch of crap! Like New York needs it! This is thoroughly depressing. I really can't believe it. Another sell out. After milking this town for all it had to offer they just get up and go because Showtime say jump.? Showtime! F#@K! I should kick Ira's ass I know where he lives.

New team, The Ira Ass Kickers. Nuff said.

Can we do a Fuel on this topic? Please.

Jonathan / January 26, 2006 9:51 AM

How about a real baseball team on the northside instead of a retirement home for over-the-hill baseball players working in the world's largest bar/dinner theater.

Billy V / January 26, 2006 10:12 AM

remember how they named the Raptors NBA team after everyone was all gassed off those Jurassic Park movies? The next Chicagoe sports team should be named the Twons (or Trons depending on your interpretation) after the predatory character of the same name in R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" series! lemme do this n---- James

Queefqueg MacSnood / January 26, 2006 11:22 AM

Fuck Ira Glass anyway -- his affected pauses, his milquetoasty insiderism, his gratuitous and generic indie references; he's irritated me for years.

Ira / January 26, 2006 12:38 PM

The decision to move the show was a really hard one guys. Me and the team thought long and hard about this but in the end we felt we made the right decision. We hope all our Chicago listeners will stand by us during this change. Let me just say, we love this town and we pack our bags with tears in our eyes and lumps in our throats. It is WBEZ, this city and it's good people that have made the show what it is today. The way we look at it, we are not leaving you behind so much as we are bringing you with us, in our hearts minds and most of all the stories we tell.

Queefqueg MacSnood / January 26, 2006 12:54 PM

...Did I mention his lukewarm insincerity?

Paul / January 26, 2006 1:04 PM

Wow, it's Ira Glass!

Also: the team should obviously be called the Iras, in the sport of Competitive Radio Broadcasting.

Ira / January 26, 2006 1:21 PM

Yes it is me, as you can tell by my legitimate email address and URL. I visit this forum several times a day in search of story ideas, something I will continue to do from my Showtime trailer in New York City. Let me just say I can't get the theme song from the Jefferson's out of my head. "Ira move'n on up". That is all for now, it is really hard to type with my eyes full of tears.

"Ira" / January 26, 2006 2:35 PM

Oh yeah, Queefqueg? Well I porked your mom in front of your dad. Don't mess with radio documentarians! Boo-ya-kasha!

Andrew / January 26, 2006 2:44 PM

Ira, check your email.

Please note: The above comments from Ira Glass were made by an imposter.

dan / January 26, 2006 3:52 PM

Have to agree with slb >> Chicago needs a competitive eating team.

Why not embrace the girth of our brethren, in this, "America's fattest city?"

Perhaps we could even draft Takeru Kobayashi, the 131 lb. competitive eating champion!

Mr. Glass, if you're still listening, have I got a story for you >> A small boy growing up in Japan has a gift and a dream. A gift for eating ham and beef products. And a dream of dazzling the world (and late-night viewers of ESPN 2). Kobayashi grows up to fulfill this dream, and... alright, now I'm crying.

John / January 26, 2006 4:20 PM


What was this thread about again?

John / January 26, 2006 4:37 PM

What about a midget throwing team?

Mr. T could be the MC.

*Ira, what do you think?

*seems to be added to all items here. Didnt want to be different.

Dog-man / January 26, 2006 5:06 PM

If there was a league of cute puppies, the Chicago version could be the Chicago Turdmunchers.

Todd / January 26, 2006 5:08 PM

huh? we just got one...


open your fuckin eyes.

Kevin / January 26, 2006 5:35 PM

Sorry for another digressionn, but does anyone (ahem...Ira) know how the TAL move to New York will affect WBEZ? I thought when a public radio station produced a show that was picked up by other stations, that station was paid for the service of putting that show together. Does that mean WBEZ is going to not only not recieve that money anymore, but will have to pay for the honor of broadcasting TAL? Is that going to saddle us with more pledge drives (don't get me wrong, they make for great radio, but really).

Whatever the case: what a bummer.

Kevin2 / January 26, 2006 5:46 PM

I think that Queefqueg MacSnood should stick it. I'm sure that no one on this list has ever considered moving for a better oppurtunity.

Baltimore / January 26, 2006 8:36 PM

Yo Momma is a big fat whale and I got the scale
to prove it crack smoke"N support our Troops anti spook watching sports and reality TV League

JP / January 26, 2006 9:04 PM

Do you guys think that the Ira posts above were really from Ira Glass? Did he show an ID or something?

Ann Marie / January 26, 2006 9:50 PM

We need a real thread dedicated to the whole TAL topic. There is no better community to share how this move makes us feel. For me it is similare to the whole Henry Darger fiasco. No one in Chicago could make it interesting enough for his gigantic collection to stay right here where it belongs. Why is it that Showtime cannot come here? Some one in this city does know how to produce television shows...right? (Non talk- show shows)
OK that is all.

Ann Marie / January 26, 2006 9:51 PM


JB / February 17, 2006 6:53 PM

and the new pro team is...
a box lacrosse team!

the nll is coming to chicago, 1/07

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