Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Monday, April 15

Gapers Block

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Andrew / October 23, 2006 3:45 PM

Note: your sexual non-exploits will likely not surprise anybody.
Neither will things that are outside the realm of possibility.

I've never seen Forrest Gump, and I've never played euchre.

loadzone / October 23, 2006 3:47 PM


What one thing have I done that might suprise my friends?

or what one thing have I yet to try that might suprise my friends?

if it's the latter, I definitely have yet to commit arson. yeah...that would definitely surprise them.

Andrew / October 23, 2006 3:49 PM

[clarified the question. sorry loadzone.]

Felix / October 23, 2006 4:08 PM

Dude, they're my friends. They have low expectations....

Patrick / October 23, 2006 4:09 PM

Never been to a pro football game. Never seen Caddyshack.

Strangely, I've never played euchre either.

Greg / October 23, 2006 4:10 PM

I have never...

played ice hockey, and have only skated maybe four times. This despite living in Minnesota half my life.

learned to drive a stick shift. Tried it once or twice, with predictable results.

shermann6 / October 23, 2006 5:08 PM

I have never seen "The Godfather"

avant/chicago / October 23, 2006 5:22 PM

Everything Patrick said and never peed in the shower.

Cinnamon / October 23, 2006 5:25 PM

Never been ice skating. Never yelled at my mom. I don't think I swore in front of her until I was 30.

anon / October 23, 2006 5:57 PM

I've never had an orgasm while having sex....with someone else.

laura / October 23, 2006 6:49 PM

i've never seen the classic 80's movies. that includes:
-back to the future
-star wars (saw one of the newer ones)
-the breakfast club
-indiana jones (any of them)
-ferris bueller's day off
-top gun

what else? bet i haven't seen it.

that being said, i have seen a lot of movies, but growing up i was involved in too many activities (dance classes, piano lessons, etc)...i just didn't really have down-time for movies. and i had a short attention span.

nugirl / October 23, 2006 7:18 PM

I have never been to Wrigley Field.

I have never had a Guinness.

I have never seen a single Rocky film.

I have never watched a single episode of Sex and the City.

mike-ts / October 23, 2006 10:05 PM

I've never been to an NFL or NHL game, or the new Cominskey Park.

I haven't been a fan of sitting by and watching pro sports passively since grade school. I'd rather toss the football back and forth with someone.

Tyler / October 23, 2006 10:08 PM

I've never eaten an orange.

Allan / October 23, 2006 10:28 PM

I have never eaten a Chicago Style Hot Dog, Chicago style Pizza or any kind of Sushi. I have never watched the Sopranos, been to Second city or Chicago sporting event of any kind.

Thurston / October 23, 2006 11:27 PM

Like Andrew, I have never seen Forrest Gump, nor will I ever see it.

I have never roller skated, ice skated, or roller bladed.

I have never eaten Chinese food that I didn't think was terrible and overcooked.

kate / October 24, 2006 1:53 AM

Not sure this is really earth shattering, but I've never had a ho-ho, twinkie, ding dong or any other snack cake you can think of. Or a Big Mac.

I've never done coke with hookers... which might actually surprise my friends. I admit to neither coke nor hookers but my friends are increasingly hard to surprise.

the pet / October 24, 2006 2:15 AM

I've never had an STD.

Justin / October 24, 2006 7:04 AM

Never wearing a business suit is an occupational goal.

michelle / October 24, 2006 8:30 AM

i have never seen any star wars movie, nor will i ever see one. I have never actually been in lake michigan (though i bet i am healthier for it). I have also never seen the tv shows "hey dude" and "kids inc.".....we didn't have cable.

Marilyn / October 24, 2006 9:10 AM

I've never seen a film directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I, too, have never seen The Sopranos.

Mikey / October 24, 2006 9:42 AM

I've never...

seen Titanic...


played little league baseball...


seen The Blue Man Group...

With the exception of the latter, I don't care much to do any of the above either. Has anyone else in Chicago not seen The Blue Man Group??

annie / October 24, 2006 9:46 AM

I have never been to Oak Street beach, I 've never seen any Star Wars or any of those Ring movies and I've never been on a job interview, I just got my job through an internship but was never interviewed for it.

Blagg the Axman / October 24, 2006 10:06 AM

Never once in my years have I attended a funeral. True enough, I have watched comrades die by my side in the midst of a melee. My hands have dug graves by the dozens for the innocent victims of the Dark Lord’s horrible reign. From afar, I watched as my own liege fell to Kayne’s hand, and was powerless to intervene. But impatience burns the calloused soles of my feet, and I find little comfort in dry scripture and clothes of black. My mourning is best done on the trail of killers; my tribute to the too-soon departed is swift and brutal reprisal for a villain.

Lody / October 24, 2006 10:07 AM

I have never...

been to a Sox game

gone to the hancock observatory

gotten a tattoo (tho most of my friends think I have one - no idea why)

been on the ferris wheel at navy pier

told someone off even tho they deserved it

Josh / October 24, 2006 10:30 AM

I've never tried cocaine, crack, or heroin. Yes, this would be a surprise to my friends given my past behavoir. The heavy stuff scares me.

fluffy / October 24, 2006 10:36 AM

my friends can't believe:

I don't have,and never have had, a BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) - they all do. I've never travelled overseas. I've never had an actual conversation with my dad. I've never seen the movie "Say Anything". - have never eaten a Whopper or any McMeat sandwich. never had (and never will have) a pedicure.....never had any type of surgery or even a broken bone

clodius / October 24, 2006 11:04 AM

I've never answered a Fuel question. Oh, wait...

Allan / October 24, 2006 11:35 AM

More shit I have never done that would surprise my friends if I had any:

Had a girl tell me she loved me
Been to the Adler Planetarium
Danced in public
Been friends with a Black person
Owned a new suit
Really talked to my Dad
Believed in Santa Claus
Received a personal call at work
Attended a GB get together
Been the best at something
Inappropriately groped a woman
Played a team sport
Lied about my age
Gone to a prom
Eaten ice cream with a topping
Felt like I belonged
Seen the sun set

Allan / October 24, 2006 11:47 AM

I have also never told fluffy that every time I see her name in a fuel post in my head a picture a cute as a button browned eyed girl with bangs that fall into her eyes in fuzzy one piece pink teddy bear pajamas. The kind with the hood that has ears on it. Sitting in an overstuffed arm chair pecking away on her laptop with the tip of her tongue peeking from between her lips. Am I right?

Spook / October 24, 2006 11:55 AM

Although I've travled alot,
I've never been to Vegas,
Disney Land. I've never been to a Cubs Game
nor have I ever read The Red Eye.

And not only have I never seen the Blue Man Group, but I've made fun of people who have, so keep me posted MIkey ;-)

loadzone / October 24, 2006 12:09 PM

My initial smart response should be backed up with a genuine answer:

My friends would be surpised if/when they find out I:

- never indulged in more than two vices.
- never heard That Awesome New Band/Flavor of the Month before going to their show.
- didn't really learn how to drive stick.
- never went on a camping trip until two years ago.
- never owned more than one transformer.
- never saw the recent Star Wars movies.
- never told anybody I won a certain popularity contest in High School.
- never been in a major donnybrook.
- never got kicked out of a grog house during a classic bender with the axeman.
- never voted in the 2000 election.

Allan / October 24, 2006 12:16 PM

Hey Spook what with you and the Redeye?

Mrs. / October 24, 2006 12:56 PM

geez people - get out there and live a little, would ya?!

van moxie / October 24, 2006 1:10 PM

Allan really knows how to make girls swoon. Or is it just me? "Had a girl tell me she loved me...Felt like I belonged..." That kind of shit gives me a crush. I wish I was kidding.

I have never drank an entire beer. Or seen "Back to the Future" or "Weird Science." But I don't think my friends would be surprised by that. They may, however, be surprised to learn that I have never been to Minnesota.

K. / October 24, 2006 1:12 PM

I've never smoked pot, even though many of my most cherished friends are stoners.

eep / October 24, 2006 1:14 PM

I've never

- ridden a bike by myself for more then 20 feet
- set foot in Lake Michigan (but I've got Huron and Superior checked off)
- been to Second City
- eaten a Maxwell Street-style Polish sausage
- seen the Grand Canyon
- been skinny
- won at gambling
- been to a Bears game

Allan / October 24, 2006 1:41 PM

Thanks van moxie. If I was a better looking, more confident or thoroughly intoxicated I would try and put the moves on you because that is the nicest thing I can remember a girl saying about me. You are a girl right.

van moxie / October 24, 2006 1:43 PM

Yup, I'm a girl. and it is Mrs. van Moxie now. Sorry.

Veronica / October 24, 2006 1:48 PM

Mikey - I've never seen Blue Man Group either. I always think I should see it because it's here and I'm here, but it also seems kind of like a date thing and I don't really go on those either.

There are lots of things I haven't done, but nothing I think would really surprise my friends. I'm not too secretive, so they know me pretty well.

Allan / October 24, 2006 2:04 PM

Mrs. van moxie. No need for apologies. I knew anyone as kind and clever as you would be out of my league but it is nice to know I have some redeeming qualities.

jima / October 24, 2006 2:07 PM

I've never drank more than a sip of any alcoholic beverage.

I've never willingly watched a single complete episode of "Seinfeld". This surprised my mom and sister, who conspired to get me a Kramer T-shirt one year for Christmas.

fluffy / October 24, 2006 2:12 PM

I've never catapulted a midget or listened to a macy gray song. My friends were shocked!

except for the pj's and armchair, (i'm at work) it's all true. . oh, i've never showed up to work early or on time. but that wouldn't shock my friends.

Spook / October 24, 2006 2:50 PM

Allen, don't get me started on the Red Eye Allen or the idiots and followers that read it.

And don't give up on Vanmoxie, son. Over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce( its cause of them them gays!) so it may not be to late for a" groovy type of love", so in the immortal words of the Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, "Keep Hope Alive!"

printdude / October 24, 2006 2:56 PM

I'm trying to play along, but I cannot think of anything that I haven't done that would surprise anybody who knows me.

carrie / October 24, 2006 3:02 PM

Even though they already know, it still surprises my friends that I've never smoked pot. Heck, I've never done any drugs (as in pot, coke, etc. I do drink) I'm too scared I'll like them too much.

Emerson Dameron / October 24, 2006 3:05 PM

I've never been 100% convinced of anything. And I've never respected people for the things they've never done.

Allan / October 24, 2006 3:10 PM

(fluffy's hot)

leah / October 24, 2006 3:11 PM

I never liked dogs until about 5 years ago. In fact I had a pretty strong hatred of them.

[And I thought I was the only one who had a secret something about Allan. Er.]

missmolly / October 24, 2006 3:32 PM

i have never broken up with someone. i have been broken up WITH, but i have never done it myself.
something about not having a backbone..??

my friends would never believe that.

Allan / October 24, 2006 4:00 PM

You guys are just messing with me. Either that or without my repulsive physical presence hampering my delivery I can actually charm your pants off... just so long as I am not in the same room.

Marilyn / October 24, 2006 4:08 PM

Allan - You don't also happen to go by the alias oilcanboyd, do you?

I've seen Blue Man Group twice. It's a good thing to take kids to, but sit on the main floor if you do.

byron / October 24, 2006 4:24 PM

“From afar, I watched as my own liege fell to Kayne’s hand, and was powerless to intervene. “

I watched my liege fall too, but not from afar or by this Kayne guy whoever he is. He sounds like real cupcake.

My liege fell right in front of me. Some impertinent vassals tripped him and I was also powerless to intervene. Well. somebody sent me an IM . What was I supposed to save my liege or answer the IM?

After that, those vassal wankers stole the codpiece I just bought from Old Navy , the point to all this being, I have never worn a codpiece.

Mojo / October 24, 2006 4:26 PM

Oy. Somebody stop Allan, already.

Allan: If it makes you feel any better, your lusting after Fluffy gave me the *CREEPS*

Also, I've never eaten a peanut butter sandwich; considering I'm a food editor

Hal / October 24, 2006 4:27 PM

Never had sex with a woman. Apparently a rarity for gay guys my age, who all had fumbling peer pressure sex in high school or college. Worse still are those think that having done so makes them somehow "less gay."

Spook / October 24, 2006 4:28 PM

I never did give noth'n to the Tin Man, which he didn't already have

Meems / October 24, 2006 4:39 PM

I never got over my last -ex boyfriend even though I've been w/my current boyfriend for over a year and live with him now. That would definitely surprise my friends.

Leelah / October 24, 2006 6:25 PM

I have never seen New Order live.

Pilot / October 24, 2006 9:02 PM

- never told anybody I won a certain popularity contest in High School.

Not true, Loadzone. Oh, we knew about this. The pictures were e-mailed around.

Y A J / October 25, 2006 7:49 AM

I've never met either Bill or Hillary Clinton.

Robin / October 25, 2006 8:41 AM

I never actually got my college degree. I did the whole walk with the gown & hat and went to class for 4 years but I was too cool for Writing 121 and thus still have not graduated. I think my parents would be more surprised than my friends. Or angry.

fluffy / October 25, 2006 9:05 AM


You didn't miss anything

Allan / October 25, 2006 10:18 AM

In high school I wrote the lyrics to Bizarre Love Triangle on my bare chest and took a picture for a self-portrait project. I was too embarrassed to turn it in and I never showed it to anybody. Instead I did a shitty drawing of myself done while looking in the mirror. I have never told anybody about it until now. You guys are the closest thing I have to friends these days. Are you surprised?

sky / October 25, 2006 10:48 AM

Not really allan. I think you should join some kind of club or something. Or I'll take you to coffee and let you vent. It is good to vent and be honest, but no one wants to hang out with Debbie Downer all the time. Waaaawaaaaaa.

Bill V / October 25, 2006 10:59 AM

I've never read Gapers Block, just looked at the pictures.

Allan / October 25, 2006 11:01 AM

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I am NOT a "downer". I am just adding "FUEL" to the fire. If you can't stand the know the rest.

JB / October 25, 2006 11:02 AM

Thanks to a heavy dependence on alcohol and hallucinogens, and my knack for general buffoonery, there's nothing I haven't done. And even THAT doesn't surprise my friends, who are afflicted by same.

withmeems / October 25, 2006 12:47 PM

Meems, it would surprise all of my friends, particularly my boyfriend that I'm not over the last one and don't think it will ever happen either. Strange thing though, I could be with the ex in a heartbeat if I wanted, but we're not good together. why is that? it sucks.

Allan / October 25, 2006 1:12 PM

Can someone tell me how to start my own blog so I can vent and be honest as much as I want without persecution here is my email I really only know how to type and check email on a computer so something simple please.

Marilyn / October 25, 2006 1:44 PM

If you post anything online, you risk persecution. People have lost their jobs posting on what they thought was their personal space. My advice? Get a diary with a lock and a key.

Andrew / October 25, 2006 2:06 PM

Allan, I just sent you Vox invite. It's about as simple as you can get (no need to know how to use HTML or anything), and you can set privacy on each post so that as many as everyone or as few as just you can read it.

printdude / October 25, 2006 2:31 PM

I have never eaten a Top Notch Burger.

There. I found something.

Now please excuse me, while I take a detour on the way home to pick a greasy sack.

emyduck / October 25, 2006 3:24 PM

i have never...

...made a decent bloody mary. an entire issue of any magazine.
...flashed anyone.
...been wrong.

paul / October 25, 2006 3:33 PM

I've never had a cosmo.

I've never seen an episode of Lost, or a full epsiode of Friends, Amercian Idol or pretty much anything else on network prime time TV.

I think my friends pretty much know that much about me but they're always surprised when I have no idea what they're talking about.

Buster / October 25, 2006 3:57 PM

I've never voted Republican.

(though this Todd Stoger thing is SORELY tempting me to. Why isn't there a 3rd candidate? Or at least someone who has filed as a write-in candidate?)

Vanessa / October 25, 2006 4:21 PM

Tyler, how is it that you've never eaten an orange?!

I've never...

not voted.
done a cartwheel.
dated a Republican (although I think my friends know that).
known why the caged bird sings.

spook / October 25, 2006 10:02 PM

Forget ah bout it, Allen, there is no section 8 out of this Gapers Army, especially as we near the holiday season!

besides you and Fluffy are a cyber ynamic duo

daruma / October 26, 2006 8:52 AM

My friends have recently expressed surprise that I've:
-never gone to Cirque Du Soleil; and
-haven't been to San Francisco.

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