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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Friday, December 2

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MC High Life / February 25, 2005 3:17 PM

Brian Stanger - Best Human

Jack Sone / February 25, 2005 3:23 PM

Brent Neuman - best cinematografy

Michael / February 25, 2005 4:10 PM

...who cares

steven / February 25, 2005 4:20 PM

they still giving those out?

pat / February 25, 2005 4:50 PM

His garbage can on Sesame Street.

Benjy / February 25, 2005 4:52 PM

Can't they just release the winners in a press release and spare us all from the inane Joan Rivers fashio critiques and long-winded speeches?

my vote for best picture is Sideways.

Bohdan P / February 25, 2005 5:08 PM

No one...boycott hollyweird

Jeff / February 25, 2005 7:00 PM

Oscar goes to Felix.

That was always the subtext of The Odd Couple, right?

Leelah / February 25, 2005 8:52 PM

I don't even know when they're on, and I hope to keep it that way.

elly / February 26, 2005 7:59 AM

i love circus acts...i'll be right there in front of the t.v. with my popcorn...y'all are invited.

annfrankenstein / February 26, 2005 11:35 AM

Though I haven’t seen many of these movies, I think it’s all pretty predictable just from what little press I’ve seen about it all … so just off the top of my head:

Hilary Swank, Best Actress: Because I hear Million Dollar Baby was a very good flick, and Hollywood just can’t resist rewarding extreme physical transformations for women’s roles. (ie: Charlize Theron rewarded for being able to “ugly-up” for part as serial killer, Nicole Kidman dons fake schnoz for role as tormented writer, etc. etc.)

Martin Scorsese, Best Director: after Gangs of New York, it seems the pedestal he’s been put on is slowly descending a little closer to the ground, just enough for Hollywood not to feel intimidated.

Hotel Rwanda, Best Original Screenplay, because like, Hollywood CARES, man! Had it been any other year, I’d say Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, because Hollywood likes to throw a bone to the “token” quirky flick. But that token will already be covered with “Sideways,” so ESOTSM will get little love and Hollywood will reward Hotel Rwanda for it’s token, “we care!” gesture. Plus if Hollywood doesn’t give SOMETHING to Hotel Rwanda, you know Oprah’s going to be all up it’s ass.

Ray, for Best Picture: because Clint Eastwood’s “Mystic River” already got best picture last year. (I am not saying this is right, I am just saying)

Jamie Fox, Best Actor: Because, besides being great, it’s a good feel-good small town comedian does good underdog story. Plus, Hollywood still not forgiving Leo DiCaprio for “getting all up in politics” last election.

Virginia Madson, Best Supporting Actress: Because giving it to Natalie Portman for playing a stripper is just like, too creepy for Hollywood. They’d rather give it to a little bit more seasoned actress who’s had to pay her dues and go through many “stripper-type” roles in order to get where she is today.

Thomas Hayden Church, Best Supporting Actor: I’d like to say Morgan Freeman, but you know that MF is going to be in like, a million other Oscar Worthy movies, so he’s still got more time. THC’s part in Sideways will be rewarded because all the old dude’s in The Academy LOVED Sideways because they can TOTALLY SEE a lot of themselves in that movie man, you know, when I was younger and wilder! Woooo! So, a little nod to the THC is a little nod to Dudes Everywhere. And because when it came down to it, they just couldn’t bring themselves to nominate Paul Giamatti because when they put the mirror up to this movie to see a lot of themselves in it, the old dudes of the Academy would rather see THC rather than Paul Giamatti staring back at them.

Best Adapted Screenplay, Sideways: I am not saying it’s good, I am just saying there are a lot of Old Dudes running the Academy who would like to see this movie “do well” for reasons listed above.

So, there are my tongue-in-cheek guesses, poor spelling and all!

chris / February 27, 2005 12:58 PM

ME! For toiling away every day, working and going to school. For noticing that everyone else is making way more money that me.

robin.. / February 28, 2005 11:33 AM

okay okay, who else is sick sick SICK of everyone talking about how enormously "fat" renee z. got for bridget jones' diary, and how praised she is for being able to then lose that weight? GAWD! I HAVE HAD IT! viva zaftig ladies! let's hear it for NOT being able to see someone's ribs through her famine-chic back! how about some praise for NOT having barren, drawn collarbones! three cheers for real, adipose-composed boobs! hips hips hooray! down with the machine that tells renee she has to look parched and pinched and frail and built like a two by four! YOU KEEP THOSE 25 LBS RENEE! THEY SUIT YOU!

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