Gapers Block has ceased publication.
Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
✶ Thank you for your readership and contributions. ✶
TODAY
Sunday, October 13
Fuel
charlie / May 21, 2007 7:32 AM
.............You know, like when in High School your best friend would make fun of the smokin cool shoes you just got by proclaiming "NICE SHOOOOES" all sarcastic.
The only response was to walk away while over your shoulder spouting.
NICE FACE
mike / May 21, 2007 8:11 AM
The jerk store called. They're running out of you.
And, of course, if that doesn't work, "Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife."
Shasta MacNasty / May 21, 2007 8:20 AM
Yo' mama's ***** is so dry, the crabs carry canteens.
Yo' mama's hair's so short, when she braids it, it looks like stitches.
If brains were lard, you couldn't grease a skillet.
Someone needs to go to the clue farm and harvest.
etc., etc., etc...
the pet / May 21, 2007 8:28 AM
You fail at living.
rebecca / May 21, 2007 8:29 AM
from PR - "his taste level is just not there"
Oketo! / May 21, 2007 8:38 AM
You are the biggest disappointment since the crucifixion!
Mikey / May 21, 2007 8:52 AM
"The best part of you ran down your mother's leg."
Justin / May 21, 2007 9:15 AM
From an Alliance Bakery iced cookie:
"You look better in the dark."
a / May 21, 2007 9:18 AM
your greasy greasy granny.
spook / May 21, 2007 9:19 AM
Yo momma takes five hours to watch 60 Minutes,and wonders why she never made it past the third grade
Mikey / May 21, 2007 9:28 AM
"Your father should have pulled out."
Allan / May 21, 2007 10:20 AM
How about this one.
Your so dumb you should have been paying rent when you where still just some spooge living in you daddy's testicles and you would of tried to pay your rent with a check but you didn't even have a checking account yet. Moron.
or
You better not take a dump today or you will never be able to find your way home from wherever your at because the feces in your bowels is your brains and if you defecate them out you won't have brains anymore.
DrrrtyGrrrl / May 21, 2007 10:21 AM
"ham fisted salad tosser."
quack / May 21, 2007 10:22 AM
from some movie:
"dick juggling thunder cunt"
from cta tattler:
"i will spit in your dirty vagina"
me, drunk:
"i will walk up your ass"
kate / May 21, 2007 10:23 AM
If you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick.
(yes it's from Wayne's World but it gets me every time)
Josh / May 21, 2007 10:41 AM
"God, it must really suck to be you."
jgs / May 21, 2007 10:43 AM
As my mom was using this one before there was a godwin's law, it's kosher:
"well aren't you just the littlest hitler"
but for less context specific situations I'll stand by the all purpose jag-off.
leah / May 21, 2007 10:47 AM
you big crybaby.
Andrew / May 21, 2007 10:53 AM
Back in college, one of my roommates saw a guy at the state fair wearing a t-shirt that said, "Your chin is my ballrest." She started using it regularly in arguments, which was hilariously awesome.
d / May 21, 2007 11:05 AM
Girl, your hoops are bigger than your brain.
TaJ / May 21, 2007 11:28 AM
WOW..
i'm vanila on this....
so much negativity ....
Leelah / May 21, 2007 11:40 AM
Courtesy of my students:
You're so poor, I went through your front door and I was in your back yard.
Your momma's so dumb, she got hit by a parked car.
Your momma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
And my personal favorite:
Your momma's so ugly, she went into a haunted house and came out with a contract.
spook / May 21, 2007 12:35 PM
Spook is so clueless that last Thursday he pulled up an old Gapers Block page from last July, advertising the Newberry Library Book fair! Thinking it was for last Saturday, he showed up that morning- hung over -at 11:00am, wondering why he was the only person their asking “Where are the thousands of books for two bucks!”
And he wonders why he keeps missing the sale for the last three years!
steven / May 21, 2007 12:37 PM
No put-downs, but I can hear the response on Leelah's last one: "Ohhhhhh!!!"
MT / May 21, 2007 12:55 PM
I smell death upon you.
ME / May 21, 2007 12:55 PM
I smell death upon you.
skafiend / May 21, 2007 1:49 PM
"Your mother gives the worst blowjobs."
"Your mother's so fat, she cut her arm and gravy poured out."
"Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?"
"Your mother's so old I told her to act her age and she fell over and died."
Poor mothers...
got jokes / May 21, 2007 2:11 PM
No put-downs, but I can hear the response on Leelah's last one: "Ohhhhhh!!!"
Ok...I really did that. :)
"Your mother's so old I told her to act her age and she fell over and died."
Hilarious! I have a similar one: Your mother's so old, she knew Central Park when it was a plant.
"I saw your mother walking down the street one day kicking a can. I asked her what she was doing, she said, 'Moving.'"
"Your mother's afro is so big, when she gets in the car, it looks like tinted windows."
"Your mother's so dumb, she thought Tupac Shakur was a jewish holiday."
"Your mother's so fat, she fell in love and couldn't get out."
Evan C. / May 21, 2007 2:15 PM
Go to hell and smell your own farts.
Joke Man / May 21, 2007 2:37 PM
Yo' mamma's so fat she comes from both sides of the family!
spook / May 21, 2007 2:57 PM
Ya mammy's so fat she cut her self shaving an bled Ragu
ya mammy's so old, she knew Captain Crunch when he was just Private Crunch, that’s how old yo Mammy is
Ya Momma don’t wear no draws,…… I saw her when she took em off, she throw them on the wall, those roaches refused to crawl( the Chorus goes) ba ding dong dong dong dong ba ding dong
the pet / May 21, 2007 2:59 PM
Your dick is small and you're a lousy tipper.
zig ziglar / May 21, 2007 3:35 PM
Your momma's so fat she gotta put on her belt with a boomerang.
Your momma' so old she got a Jesus Christ starter jacket.
k / May 21, 2007 3:36 PM
My all time favorite put down from an article about Peaches:
Sex with her would be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Ouch!
spook / May 21, 2007 3:56 PM
Howya sister
talking about taking a "bite outta crime" when she aint even got no teeth!
Ya Mammy so damn nasty that she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh!
chloe / May 21, 2007 4:04 PM
The Princess Bride is great for insults:
"You miserable, vomitous mass."
"You warhog-faced buffoon."
"The Queen of slime, the Queen of filth, the Queen of putrescence!"
Joke Man / May 21, 2007 4:14 PM
Yo’ mamma’s so fat, her BVD’s say Boulevard!
Lippma / May 21, 2007 4:30 PM
If I want any crap out of you, I'll squeeze your head
Erica / May 21, 2007 5:44 PM
"More important people don't like me."
I pull out this to-the-point mega insult for people who hate on me. It's intended to make said people feel insignificant, which is way more satisfying than name-calling in my book. Though I do get a lot of mileage out of jagoff, too.
bill / May 21, 2007 5:53 PM
I like calling fat people "secret snackers"
Ron / May 21, 2007 6:57 PM
Two for one.
Drinking around noon in a tavern near Midway. Drunk bum walks into the place. Bartender sees him and yells "Get out of here you fuckstick!". Guy leaves.
We sip our beer.
We look at the bartender. He shakes his head and says "That guy's a real piece of fuck."
jasmine / May 21, 2007 7:00 PM
*I may be boring, but I'm more interesting than you. (I stole this from a friend of mine)
*Eat shit and die (my mom's favorite)
*LOVE calling people jagoff or jerkoff.
Rudiger / May 21, 2007 7:03 PM
No one would care if you died.
Billy Batts / May 21, 2007 11:08 PM
Go home and get your fucking shine box.
mike-ts / May 21, 2007 11:38 PM
My own dear ones I invented:
You're as useful (useless) as screen doors on a submarine.
You're as necessary as a tailor shop in a nudist colony. You're not needed around here any more than a condom machine in a convent.
(About ugly women) Now she's a poster child for celibacy!
Stand-alone, they're pretty lame. It's all contextual, "you gotta be there" stuff. You'll know when to drop them in to season the conversation.
ms. / May 21, 2007 11:38 PM
Chump.
dan / May 22, 2007 1:49 AM
a old classic: if my dog had your face, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
during college I was working the phones at a pizza joint when this drunk, obnoxious sorority girl who thought her pizza was late informed me that her daddy 'could buy me'.
I pondered my asking price for a moment before retorting, 'yeah, well I know where you live, you stupid little cumdumpster (click)'. I was a real classy guy.
skafiend / May 22, 2007 8:45 AM
Heard this on "everybody loves raymond"
Your feet smell like a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk...
dumb show, funny line
mary / May 22, 2007 9:00 AM
"your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!"
paul / May 22, 2007 9:27 AM
"You can't be my kid"
"Don't you know how to listen?"
Words hurt like a fist.
...
I also like " I wouldn't trust you to sit the right way on a toilet".
spook / May 22, 2007 9:54 AM
Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife.
- - - Muhammad Ali
Billy Batts, salute!
k / May 22, 2007 10:53 AM
Lady Nancy Astor:
Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Churchill:
Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
fluffy / May 22, 2007 10:57 AM
I like calling people 'Fucko's'
Like if I see someone I hate, I say hi..."Hi, Fucko!"
Some women deserve this one "she's just a waste of make-up"
Other names:
puke-chunk, jagoff, mullet's mistake, I call people 'pukes' all the time because of their unpleasantess, fuck-wad, and barking-starfish (aka, 'asshole')
mrs. / May 22, 2007 11:02 AM
what's a matter, boy, your p*ssy hurt?
Eamon / May 22, 2007 11:07 AM
Unfuck yourself. Immediately.
annfrankenstein / May 22, 2007 11:20 AM
Complete indifference.
leah / May 22, 2007 11:53 AM
agh the unpleasant nature of the ultimate insult of being called or associated to be being a female hurts.
not funny.
team m / May 22, 2007 11:53 AM
why are so many of the putdowns based on slamming women- moms, women's anatomy, etc.
Andy / May 22, 2007 12:09 PM
See Ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.
Andy / May 22, 2007 12:09 PM
See Ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.
Winediva / May 22, 2007 12:37 PM
I'm a fan of Your mama jokes.
"Your Mama's so fat...she leaves the house wearin heels and comes back wearin flats."
From Calvin & Hobbes:
"Is that your face or did your neck just throw up?"
Winediva / May 22, 2007 12:37 PM
I'm a fan of Your mama jokes.
"Your Mama's so fat...she leaves the house wearin heels and comes back wearin flats."
From Calvin & Hobbes:
"Is that your face or did your neck just throw up?"
Nuxrs / May 22, 2007 5:01 PM
Being insulted by sexist insults on a thread about favorite insults?
cmon.
spook / May 22, 2007 5:13 PM
Team M.
honestly I think the Momma jokes are more about knowing that the biggest insult is to insult some ones Momma, so, it the scheme of things, perhaps it’s a compliment to mothers?
I mean you can insult some ones father and they don’t care, but talk about some body’s momma and shirts come off.
Now as far as women’s anatomy jokes, and insulting other men by calling them women’s anatomy, I draw the line there
Jagoff / May 22, 2007 7:30 PM
Now as far as women’s anatomy jokes, and insulting other men by calling them women’s anatomy, I draw the line there
Stop being such a pussy, Spook.
igo / May 22, 2007 9:29 PM
To a catty person talking about the behavior of someone else's child...
"I've read that is a sign of high intelligence"
Jack Handey / May 22, 2007 10:06 PM
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
bibliogrrl / May 22, 2007 10:17 PM
I'm loving the term 'douchewaffle' right now.
Nice and gender neutral.
Sabrosa / May 22, 2007 11:03 PM
I made this up and have no idea what it means, but it just sounds really nasty, "You mo-bag."
anma / May 22, 2007 11:37 PM
I like calling people fuckwit.
And courtesy of my friend Kevin, after he dropped out of Columbia, "They're such a bunch of Art Fucks."
And my all-time favorite, also courtesy of Kevin, "I'm so fucked up, I'm a few tacos short of an ingredient."
Brian / May 25, 2007 1:37 PM
A late entry from me, but here goes:
My two perennial favorites are asshat and fucktard (e.g.: “Look at that fucktard. He's about as useful as an asshat” or “Look, asshat, you need to back the fuck up off me!”). I've been using them for the last 7 years at least.
Fatch (a hybrid of "fat" and "bitch," usually describes an overweight suburban SUV-driving person of either gender, but can be adapted for use in lots of situations) is another favorite. (e.g.: “Did you see that fatch jump the median? Drive thru must be closing” or “Quit being all fatchy and grazing on the buffet line”).
Justin / July 11, 2007 10:42 PM
Your girlfirend looks like chewed up bubble gum.
markey / August 20, 2007 11:03 PM
You guys are all posting shitty cliches from high school. Mom says to tell you to bring the butt plug over next time you come over and dad says to tell you, you gave him aids. fucking fuck stick....
lelea / August 23, 2007 6:31 PM
yo mamma so fat that when she jumped into the ocean the whales started singing "We are family, u kno that u r fatter than me!!"
lelea / August 23, 2007 6:38 PM
yo momma's forehead is so big that it look 9 months pregnant.
or
Yo mamma's so nasty that the trash takes her out.
craigs daddy / October 26, 2008 9:32 PM
yo mamma so greedy....she went to mcdonalds wit a blank check.
craigs daddy / October 26, 2008 9:34 PM
yo mamma so greedy....she went to mcdonalds wit a blank check.
Dirt / April 12, 2010 10:59 PM
If i wanted any shit from you id scrape it off your dogs dick.
Dirt / April 12, 2010 11:05 PM
I was fingering your mom last night she told me "that feels so good just take off your watch" i told her "watch bitch thats my belt"
ItsNoGood / June 5, 2010 1:19 AM
All your mothers must be proud.
Garrett / February 20, 2011 6:38 PM
When someone is bagging on u, tell them.. Hey, there's a mental hospital down the road. U should go to it. If he/she tells you" ya, I saw u there" say, you're right, I was the doctor, fixing your LIFE( exaggerate) tips against bullies: if the comebacks are using cuss words, try not to use them back. It makes the comeback look stupid, and it will turn out horrible. Mine didn't Use any cussing, and dats why it's good. Just a great one who will usually shut the bully up!! It works with acerroje who is mean to me!
decz123 / June 8, 2011 2:18 PM
my most favourite putdown :L
-is your mom a weightlifter?
-no why?
-well how the hell did she lift a dumbell like you
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Andrew / May 21, 2007 1:06 AM
Slams, yo mamma jokes, insults, whatever you've got. Bring it, tough guy.