Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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amyc / August 16, 2005 2:35 PM

Once I got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

No, wait. That was Humpty Hump.

mtk / August 16, 2005 2:50 PM

I was wisked away to the woman's bathroom at the Empty Bottle to make out with a girl I had been flirting with earlier that evening. I had no idea what was going on, really. Completely took me by suprise. And then, no suprise, I never saw her again.

That was also the night that two woman were sitting at the bar in nothing but stocking caps and army boots. This was before the Empty Bottle had Bite next to it, and there was a store front gutiar shop that shared the space were the pool table is.

Andrew / August 16, 2005 3:19 PM

I was at a bachelor party for a friend, and it was announced that two strippers would be arriving, one after the other. Nobody other than the organizer knew about it, so we didn't have a ton of cash at the ready.

The first one arrived and she was absolutely stunning: beautiful, built, and a very sexy dancer. She was quite seductive and her handler definitely knew how to smoothly work the room, so when they left we were mostly out of cash. Everybody ran to the nearest ATM for more money.

The second stripper arrived and... well, it was a big let-down. She was also very pretty, but she and her handler showed none of the subtlety and finesse that the first team had. They were aggressive and much pushier and crasser, so they left with very little of our money.

Which meant we had more to spend at the bars later in the night.

misty / August 16, 2005 3:23 PM

"Like humans, dolphins have ideas, ethics, complex languages, and personal names...there is an increasingly large literature on telepathic communications between people and cetaceans, including repeatable experiments and evedence of dolphins healing people" How hot is that?

Ann VanMoxie / August 16, 2005 3:54 PM

I once caught the attention of a younger man from out of town with my karaoke skills (skillz?). At 3:30 in the morning I lured him back to his hotel room and seduced him. After a very sexy and oddly comfortable night together, I dropped him off at noon thinking we'd never see each other again. I didn't even look back. The following year on the same date, we were returning from our honeymoon.

Andrew / August 16, 2005 4:05 PM

Er, misty, we were thinking more local stories, not Internet urban legends.

Huckle Cat / August 16, 2005 4:42 PM

Awww, how sweet, Ann!

waleeta / August 16, 2005 6:31 PM

No. Isn't that sad? I'll just live vicariously through you guys. Don't skimp on details.

Tina / August 16, 2005 7:18 PM

My motto this summer has been: What happens on the North Side (of Chicago, of course) stays on the North Side!!! Alas, heading out later tonight to ride the RedLine into the city to drink and dance my ass off........and we'll see where we go from there. ;o)

KX / August 16, 2005 8:11 PM

Whoa, movie theaters! 'Nuff said.

PMan / August 16, 2005 9:06 PM

I was riding my bike down an alley near a street festival this summer when I came upon an attractive woman in a short skirt, sitting on a garbage can, with a man face into her crotch, pleasuring her in the cunnilingus way.

I want to know what kind of mojo this guy had, and where I could get some.

Emerson Dameron / August 17, 2005 3:42 AM

We had just gone to see The Triplets of Bellville, in that one theater in Landmark that's right over Bally's Total Fitness. So the entire theater quaked through the entire film. She held onto me, probably out of nausea more than affection.

We went to Danny's afterwards. "Maybe I should've told you," she said. "I don't really like animation."

I almost had sex in the back of Danny's once. But it was late, and they were trying to close, and we left, and a month later that whole thing ended weirdly.

Eight months after that, I made out, like it was the last day on earth, in the back of Simon's. We didn't come close to crotch-on-crotch sex (in the bar), but I'd already fallen in love, and I'm still in love eight months later, and it's all I was promised.

idiot / August 17, 2005 9:24 AM

I just recently started having sex with a co-worker. Totally unsuspecting. Totally bad idea. Totally mind-blowing goodness.

mike / August 17, 2005 9:52 AM

PMan, the mojo is a special mixture of "a gallon of beer" and "zero shame."

Rebecca / August 17, 2005 10:36 AM

A few weeks ago I was at Club Foot on a terrible date. I looked out into the crowd and I noticed a really cute guy across the bar.

Excusing myself to the bathroom I wrote the stranger a note:

I think you're cute. I'd like to talk to you more, but I'm on a pity date and don't want to hurt his feelings. Give me a call if you'd like to talk to me too.

Feeling very slick, I wordlessly slipped him the note along with only a sly smile and returned to my date. Thanks to my poor impulse control that cute guy and I have been hanging out ever since.

Did I mention I teach classes on flirting? A new schedule of workshops, including "Flirting for Nerds" will be up within the next week.

jima / August 17, 2005 10:48 AM

Any sexy stories you'd like to share?

Nope, what goes on between me and your momma is private.

Andy / August 17, 2005 12:06 PM

When I used to live in Lakeview, there was one time when my roommate and I were sitting on our front porch really late at night, 4 or 5am maybe. Anyway, we we're just sitting there quietly having a cigarette, and this yuppie couple comes walking along the other side of the street. They were dressed really nice, like they had just come back from a club or a swanky bar. And apparently they didn't notice us sitting there (it was fairly dark by our apartment), because a few houses past us, they stopped, the man quickly unzipped his pants and they starting fucking on the hood of one of the cars.

This lasted maybe a minute and then they stopped and kept walking, like nothing had happened. It was one of the more bizarre things I had ever seen. I've always wondered: was that planned? Were they looking for a particular kind of car? Did they stop and randomly fuck on other cars along the way to wherever they were going? Maybe there's a hidden cult of yuppies who like to fuck on random cars? Random Yuppie Car Fuckers. R.Y.C.F.

You never know.

jen*nee / August 17, 2005 1:31 PM

ALL of my stories are sexy.

(Thank you high libido, low self-esteem, good imagination, willing friends, and the general sultry-ness of summer)

Steve / August 17, 2005 1:52 PM

Well, there was that time I had sex in the kitchen. I never shoulda told that story to R. Kelly....

kate / August 17, 2005 3:18 PM

I had sex with my date to the company's big summer outing a couple years ago. They rented out the whole Field Museum. It was really cool - most of the lights were still off in the exhibits but we could explore all we wanted ... so we did it in the Tahiti exhibit.

gay / August 17, 2005 3:51 PM

my boyfriend has anal orgasms when penetrated. straight boys, you should try it with your lady sometime.

Mack / August 17, 2005 5:39 PM

Friends of mine went to a free concert in Grant Park and they heard a couple getting it on in one of the porta-johns. How horny do you have to be to have sex in one of those?

Ramsin / August 17, 2005 6:46 PM

Dear Gay,

May I say, kudos on the succint, to-the-point internet moniker.


chris / August 17, 2005 7:07 PM

I am in love with my teacher! I am 33 years old, and she is 41 years old. Pitty she is married, so I know that she is off limits. Oh man though, she is such a flirt!

Leelah / August 17, 2005 10:28 PM

I can't even give it away!

Kevin / August 18, 2005 8:41 AM

My wife and I were at the japanese garden down by the museum of science and industry. As we were walking towards the pagoda, I spied what appeared to be a bare ass straddling some legs. We tried to make it clear that we were there, without just walking right up and saying "EWWW," especially since there was a family with strollers behind us somewhere. They sort of turned around and sat down, but they didn't pull their pants up or anything. They were totally waiting to see if we'd leave, so they could, ahem, finish up!

Sweet Lou / August 18, 2005 9:00 AM

Once, a Hooters waitress was flirting with me, so I told her I wanted to pee in her butt. She was a big fan.

Jeigh / August 18, 2005 9:33 AM

When I run early in the morning I see people "doing it" all that time along the lakefront. Once I saw some people doing it without a stitch of clothing at four in the morning. They were standing up and leaning against the cement break wall at Oak Street. It was hard to see everything 'cause it was dark out, but I was just a few feet away from them as I ran past.

JP / August 18, 2005 10:27 AM

I was out with an old friend who I had not seen in many years. We went to Danny's off Damen and were both drinking quite a bit. We had always just been friends but as I downed a few, I got really touchy-feely with him. We were both laughing about something and I made a move to put an innocent hand on his knee, but my hand landed firmly on his crotch. I felt him get hard almost instantly and for some reason I did not move my hand away. The vibe of our night out switched so fast I could hardly believe it. The look on his face was unbelievable. He was so surprised but he had this sense of longing in his eyes that made me feel really sad and want to take him home with me at the same time. Without saying a word in the dark back corner of Danny's I began rubbing him through his pants. He felt huge. I guess by now what I was thinking was that I wanted to get him so hot the he would want come home with me. After about a minute of doing this in silence I was about to ask if he wanted to leave but before I could, I felt him throbbing through his pants then, get smaller and softer.

My old friend had a awkward smile on his face then looked down at his drink not saying a word. Did he just cum in his pants? A minute later he said he had to go to the bathroom. When he came back he said he thought he should head home and that was it. I have not talked to him since and don't think I could ask him about it any way. Not exactly sexy but there was some kind of sex act involved. I think? Can a guy really have an orgasm that easy? Or was he just get turned off by an old friend coming on to him? Guys a little help.

Steve / August 18, 2005 12:32 PM

JP -- is your friend just barely legal? Or severely undersexed? Otherwise, I can't believe he got off so quickly, especially after a number of drinks.

Your typical guy, especially an unattached one, would've stuck around in hopes of some genuine skin-on-skin action and dealt with the awkwardness later. You might want to send an account of your incident to Savage Love or the Time Out Chicago columnist for the sexpert opinion.

Andrew / August 18, 2005 1:43 PM

Sounds pretty quick to me, but if he was super turned on, I guess it's possible. It sounds like he was really embarrassed -- he probably didn't expect to cum that quickly, either.

If you're not interested in more sexual encounters, but still want to be friends with him, it'd probably be a good idea to clear the air, let him know it was a drunken mistake that won't happen again.

(By the way, the timing of the question change was purely coincidental.)

Ralphie / August 18, 2005 2:49 PM

Whatever. Every guy wants to pretend that he can last as long as he wants, but that's total bullshit. If he came that fast, he was probably just really, really, really turned on. Don't say it was a mistake even if you aren't interested. It happened, and no one was physically injured, so it doesn't matter if it was a mistake. You're just going to have to suck it up and talk to him about it at some point. Who knows? It may end up being a super satisfying encounter not in a bar.

Leelah / August 18, 2005 5:03 PM

JP, just chalk it up to being so hot that he couldn't control himself!

Allan / August 19, 2005 9:38 AM

JP just so you know yes guys can cum that fast. I should know I have cum in my pants with little stimulation but only when I wanted to. I doubt your friend did not want to cum in his pants because I am sure he could have kept himself from doing so. My guess is he was super horny and even though he may have felt a little uncomfortable with you doing what you where doing it is really hard for a guy to tell any girl to stop giving him this type of attention. After he came in his pants his sex drive dropped way down and he came to his senses so to speak and regretted not having the balls to ask you to stop before he gummed up his undies. When you are horny it is like it's own intoxication. It impairs your judgment quite a bit. After you have a sexual release you can think straight again.

Next time you see your friend just say you are sorry if you made him uncomfortable but that you were just feeling really close to him and wanted to share something special with him that night but then he busted a nut in his pants and ran home crying. Ruining it for both of us. Don't forget to mention that you posted this mortifying story on a local website for all to see. You girls are weird.

Mister C / August 20, 2005 12:20 PM

JP- There's also the possibility that, although you were "just friends," he had been wildly attracted to you for years and had been fantasizing about a possible encounter. When you touched his crotch, it probably turned him on tremendously to have that long standing desire fullfilled. When he came early, he may have felt he'd ruined his chance to finally be with you and left embarrasedly (and/or he was just embarrased about coming soon and/or was weirded out thinking that your friendship was destroyed).

Allan's scenario is also very plausible. I hope "he" doesn't surf this site, BTW.

boob21 / August 14, 2006 9:37 PM

one time after a long steamy walk on the beach. we were sweating rather perfusely do to the humidity outside. we then wanted to sit down next to the water where i noticed her thong was sticking and it made me want to go animal style on her ass. i then reached over and grabbed her breast and started rubbing it in a circular motion. I could tell by her face that she wanted more. so i slowly moved my hand downward toward her pantyline. Where I slowly began unbuttoning her jeans. Then I slowly started to pull her jeans off. I then lifted one of her legs up in the air and starting licking it from her foot toward her upper thigh. She then started smiking at me where i noticed that she wanted more.... i then very slowly started taking her underwear off with my teeth.. then i moved upward toward her belly button area and started to lick lower and lower. I do this inorder to get her emotions flying.. all of a sudden she flipped me on my back where she started to lift my shirt off of my body... the sweat was starting to roll down my chest. She then started to tease me with her tongue and went downward and slowly unbuttoned my pants. Then she quickly ripped them downward. Then she wasted no time at all to get me fully naked. Then she layed down on top of me and began to rub herself all over me. Then I quickly rolled her over and started to slowly put myself inside of her. Then her face lite up with excitedment and she began to quietly make moaning noises. It then began to start raining, we were both sliding our soaking naked bodies up against each other. We began moving Back and forth FASTER and FASTER, the girls face began to get more and more intense.. she began moaning louder and louder. suddenly it began to feel SO good that I wanted just get up and YELL . Then it felt like something inside of me was going to burst. I then slide my hands all over her then later focusing on her breasts. I then put my mouth on her nipple and began to move my tongue around it. The girls face looked as if she was totally satisfied. The girl then took her tongue and licked the side of my face and slowly moved down my chest stopping to lick both my nipples. She continued going down my glistening abs where she slowed down to hit every groove of my stomach. She got lower and lower till she finally reached my erect dick where she began to lick up and down it. She put her lips right on it using the softest touch to lick the tip of it. It began to feel like i was getting closer and closer to orgasiming, she then began to go faster and faster down my dick. My face got more and more intense when all of a sudden there it was. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Jamison Binder / December 11, 2006 8:41 PM

Microsoft and Peter Jackson postpone the making of a film based on the Halo video game after backers pull out...

cougar / May 23, 2007 12:40 PM

I was a bored thirty something wife and mother. One Easter eve evening a friend and I decided to go out on the town, in the next town of course (small town gossip). Our ride home bailed on us and we didn't have enough cash between us for the fifty dollar taxi ride home so we decided to hitchhike home. There were two of us and we're tough biotches. ANYHOW, we connect with this big dude, also needing a ride, he's our protector. After about 10 minutes we're running out of hope, it's 1 am ish, not many cars. This little older car, hell I can't even remember what colour it was...does a U turn and stops, thinking our protector is his buddy that he lost at the bar earlier in the evening. So we ask him for a ride, he says sure. We drop protector off first, then my friend. I am left in the car with 'Jordan". Jordan is 19 or 21 I can't really remember his age. He has a very deep sexy voice and when he says my name I melt. I start thinking about things I could do with Jordan, I smile. I do something totally out of character when we reach my driveway, I turn and say to Jordan "I'd much rather be up some dark deserted road making out with you than going in my house". He agrees. We find a dark deserted road. Already at his tender young age he is a romantic at heart and decides the place we chose isn't right. He drives to a new development where there is a beautiful view of the ocean and parks. I'm not sure how descriptive I'm allowed to get here... I remember him saying how the whole evening was something out of Penthouse hot it was, an older married woman picking up a young guy and coming on to him. We didn't have actual sex, no glove no love and we weren't stupid....but I would have, in a heartbeat. He was so hot and made me feel so much a woman. We kissed and 'stuff' for about 2 1/2 hours. I thought about that night hundreds of times as I masturbated over the next few months or so. I'll never forget that night, his tongue, his sexy deep voice, the way he said my name that still makes me moist. He gave me his number, I called him once then threw away the piece of paper. I regret it now but he's still my fantasy. I always loved younger guys, I'm a cougar, what can I say lol. Last week i was driving down my street and I think I saw him. I've seen him 6 or so times since but I'm not sure it's him. I need to hear that voice to be sure. Next time I see him I'm going to say hi and see where it goes from there, maybe it's not the same guy but he could be my next........

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