Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Wednesday, May 22

Gapers Block

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Sir Charles / July 13, 2007 3:30 AM

Considering I'm 23....P.E at a senior high all girls school!
Oh yeahhhh!!

CheekyCharlie / July 13, 2007 3:32 AM

Considering I'm 23...PE at an all girls senior high school!!
Ohh yeaaah baby!!

Jason / July 13, 2007 3:43 AM


angie / July 13, 2007 7:52 AM

How to Parallel Park

Doyle / July 13, 2007 8:05 AM

How To Not Be An Ugly American While Travelling 101

Pedro / July 13, 2007 8:24 AM

How to avoid becoming a self loathing American

David / July 13, 2007 8:25 AM

Get Out of Debt, Get on a Budget, and Give the Finger to Mastercard.

vise77 / July 13, 2007 8:38 AM

Well, a straight answer: History.

I realize history is, at its heart, a story, a narrative, not just a dry series of facts and dates. I was lucky to have some very good history teachers, and I think if history is taught well, most students will at least listen, if not love the subject.

kate / July 13, 2007 8:41 AM

How to turn strangers into friends, associates, drinking buddies and cohorts.

Also, how to whistle through one's fingers.

Dave! / July 13, 2007 8:46 AM

I'd love to teach a class on cheese.

Or business law.

Yeah, I'm weird like that.

Dave! / July 13, 2007 8:48 AM

I'd love to teach a class on cheese.

Or business law.

Yeah, I'm weird like that.

mike / July 13, 2007 8:50 AM

Bacon 101

Mikey / July 13, 2007 9:06 AM

Another straight answer:


Always my strongest area of study (and if I may brag a little bit) I AP-ed out of my college English requirement my senior year in high school...

cliff at Berwyn / July 13, 2007 9:08 AM

Dammit. Mike beat me to bacon... Mmmm, delicious, delicious fruit of the swine.

how about "How to make a standing rib roast and Yorkshire pudding?"

And Kate I need to take that whistling class.

Allan / July 13, 2007 9:11 AM

All you ever wanted to know about Allan --and more. For beginners.


How to remember all the important things that you forgot.

Oketo! / July 13, 2007 9:14 AM

How to ride a bike in traffic and avoid the CTA.

Justin / July 13, 2007 9:16 AM

Interdisciplinary: 2/5 literature, 2/5 church history, 1/5 art history

George / July 13, 2007 9:21 AM

I'd like to teach the poor. And I'd teach them to lighten up a bit!

madachode / July 13, 2007 9:35 AM

"How to avoid websites that try or pretend to be like the Chicago Reader."

Spook / July 13, 2007 9:52 AM

I'd have to take a page from Vice Beer, American History to inner city freshmen public high school students (from a Howard Zinn Model),
and then advanced Gumbo
classes to adults. Of course I would keep certain secretes secrete with respect to my Gumbo

kelly / July 13, 2007 10:39 AM

how DO you whistle through your fingers? I am dying to know.

Teacher / July 13, 2007 10:41 AM

"How to avoid nonsensical and asinine comments by madachode."

Blagg the Axman / July 13, 2007 10:43 AM

I teach classes daily; this blighted kingdom is my schoolhouse, the wretched servants of the Dark Lord Kayne are my pupils, and my lessons are imparted via the edge of an ax. The general theme of my tutelage is that the good King Mandrakeís spirit is not yet forgotten, and there are those who would die to restore this realm to its former glory. Few of my students receive more than one lesson, Iím afraid, but I take consolation in the knowledge that for most, it is the last revelation of their foul existence.

ken / July 13, 2007 10:54 AM

....the world to sing, in perfect harmony...

ken / July 13, 2007 10:58 AM

On the serious side, I am actually working towards teaching pilates and yoga to people with spinal injuries. This was born from my own struggles with back issues and it works wonderfully. Also pilates for kayakers and bicyclists.

Mo / July 13, 2007 11:01 AM

Serious answer: writing--creative nonfiction, which is actually what I'm planning for in the not to distant future.

Also, Horror Movies as Morality Plays--I've already written a paper on this topic and would love to teach it.

ken / July 13, 2007 11:02 AM

I also would like to combine world history with anthropology and art history, I have had several courses in history and art history that have come close, but have not found one that specifically tied all three, even though it happens by default, or should

Winediva / July 13, 2007 11:14 AM

I get paid to teach people about drinking, so I guess I'm pretty lucky. Oddly enough, I don't have that "I'm livin' the dream!" kind of euphoria on a daily basis.

kate / July 13, 2007 11:14 AM

cliff at Berwyn/kelly:

There's no way to explain it effectively through words. It really is a "see & do" kind of thing. Maybe I should teach a class...

madachode / July 13, 2007 11:18 AM

"How to be a siphon of society,grow up in the suburbs, move to the 'big city', pretend to be a hipster,while having parents pay the rent" by Teacher.

fluffy / July 13, 2007 11:33 AM

Madachode- you sound like you know a lot about your subject!

fluffy / July 13, 2007 11:37 AM

I would take Dave's cheese class- there's so much about cheese I don't know about. I'm interested in the soy cheeses and non-animal product stuff.

I would like to learn everythign and teach nothing. People act like they know everything anyway.

editorkid / July 13, 2007 11:53 AM

If compassion could be taught to Republicans and libertarians, I'd teach that.

doug / July 13, 2007 11:59 AM

Madachode - all you do is complain and bring people down. What's the problem?

You might need to retake the childhood class given by every mother...

"If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all!"

adam / July 13, 2007 12:00 PM

Moe's "Funk Dancing for Self-Defense"

skafiend / July 13, 2007 12:29 PM

"How to Not be a Douche if You're Going to Move to The Big City"

Individual lessons will include:

"If You're Afraid of Minorities and have Pre-conceived Notions About Them, Why Move To The Big City?"

"They've Been Doing It That Way All Those Years For A Reason. Trust Me, It Works."

"You Can't Bleed 'Cubby Blue' if You Just Got Here"

"Take Down That Iowa Hawkeyes Flag, You're In Chicago Now"

"Yes, We Can Tell You're From Ann Arbor and We're Not Going to Tell You How"

Additional credit for taking field trips to the South and West Sides and that go beyond Printers Row and the Wishbone near Madison

(Editor's Note: Of COURSE this doesn't apply to everyone.)

james / July 13, 2007 12:29 PM

- History of Soul Music
- Criminological Theory in Film
- Legos

skafiend / July 13, 2007 12:30 PM

BTW... that was, of course, a joke. Sort of...

moody / July 13, 2007 12:41 PM

> chocolate
> film
> the history of rock n roll, r&b, and jazz

TaJ / July 13, 2007 1:45 PM

i like taking these classes as well..
- prounouciation of foreign names
- widerness survival
- art
- chocolate
- yoga
- peace
- astronomy

Appleby / July 13, 2007 1:51 PM

African-American and African artists and writers in Paris in the 1950s and 60s-- great topic with a totally rockin' reading list.

Next fall I'm teaching a course on West African post-colonial literature, so at least that's close.

Olive / July 13, 2007 1:53 PM

If I ever get a PhD in English lit, I would want to teach a class that I did my senior thesis on - "Mixed race characters in postbellum New Orleans literature." I wish I could go back to that research and do a better job on that paper. Fascinating stuff. (I didn't write this to sound pretentious or Spook-esque. I remember doing this research and thinking this would be an awesome class to teach as a prof).

Also, something about teen portrayal in literature and film. Probably already taught in different incarnations across liberal arts colleges already.

Just for fun - I would teach a history of Chicago neighborhoods class which includes tours of the neighborhoods, instead of straight up lectures.

Spook / July 13, 2007 2:01 PM


Let a Spook know when you're finished with those books,-for both courses- I'm sure I can find room in my book case

Prof. Ska: I got a few ideas for your class, the biggest one being that it should be mandatory. But for the record, Ann Arbor people are alot cooler than people from Iowa!

Spook / July 13, 2007 2:08 PM


I think I've been insulted! whhhelp, I'm not even gonna ask for your books on ""Mixed race characters in postbellum New Orleans " Olive! I'm just gonna steal em!

Anon / July 13, 2007 2:23 PM

Here's your first lesson on cheese: if there aren't animal products in it, it's not fucking cheese.

Note how it sort of bubbles, and then turns into plastic when you put it in the oven? That means it's processed poop.

Appleby / July 13, 2007 2:44 PM

Spook -- and everybody else --, if you haven't read Tyler Stovall's "Paris Noir: African-Americans in the City of Light", I highly recommend it. It'll completely change the way you think about Paris. And hey, I think my (imaginary) class should be mandatory, too!

On the Louisiana topic, I think there are a couple of very good books by Gwendolyn Midlo Hall on creole culture and African heritage in Louisiana. If the class is reading those, then sign me up.

Leelah / July 13, 2007 3:24 PM

British literature and AP lit...

Judy / July 13, 2007 3:52 PM

When I was in college I saw a lack of connection between classes. I was taking philosophy, history, photography, math... etc.

I would like to have seen them all tied in together. We could have covered history in conjuction with the philosophy and photography classes. Math and it's place and role in history etc. They all tie in together.

I am not going to teach. I am going to revamp the educational system.

fluffy / July 13, 2007 3:57 PM

hey Anon- Is your first name Al?

- See what I maen about people acting like they know it all? hmpf !

Anon is like school in the summertime...........

ek / July 13, 2007 4:00 PM

arbitrary humor

Judy / July 13, 2007 4:25 PM

"how to laze away your days"

I need more practice with that one....

Spook / July 13, 2007 5:03 PM

Thanks Appleby, its on my list, thanks. I know folks like James Baldwin and Richard Wright fled America to Paris, but I never gave thought to the bigger cultural ramifications and atmosphere it created in Paris.

and Speaking of Paris, I'm sure on that side of the pond, they'd agree that "if there aren't animal products in it, it's not fucking cheese."

personally I like Blue Cheese, but in a few it will be all about beer, slowly graduating to gin

Paul / July 13, 2007 5:05 PM

I'd teach the upperclass. Boy, would I teach them a thing or two...

Baldeesh / July 13, 2007 5:27 PM

Care and Feeding of Gesneriaceae.

Intro to Sock Knitting.

And I'd probably join forces with my sister and give a class on zombie movies.

SR / July 14, 2007 11:59 AM

I'd teach a course on Genghis Khan and the Mongolian influence on Medieval Asia. That would be fun.

(In the non-imaginary world, I teach courses for public school teachers on how they can use technology in their classrooms)

kitty / July 14, 2007 2:05 PM

childbirth education and how to birth with confidence!!!

kitty / July 14, 2007 2:06 PM

childbirth education so that more women can go to birth confident in themselves and their bodies!!!

kitty / July 14, 2007 2:07 PM

childbirth education - so that more women can go to birth confident in themselves and their bodies!!!

kitty / July 14, 2007 2:10 PM

oops. sorry about the weird multiple post.

luvzalot / July 14, 2007 10:17 PM

oral history, feminist subversion and crafting for the polyamorous.

what?!? there's a small but committed niche market out there...

Sara / July 15, 2007 12:44 AM

How to use the self-checkout.

Brian / July 15, 2007 10:54 AM

How to order a proper Chicago-style hot dog. The mere mention of ketchup nets you an “F”.

Dubi / July 15, 2007 5:34 PM

How to solve a rubiks cube. I put an ad on craigs list 4 months ago, no one replied.

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