Asshat handshakes popularized in the 1980s are making a comeback, according to several people I spoke with over the weekend at parties and in bars in Lake View and Wrigleyville. And people become really angry when they receive these handshakes.

You're drawn into this alpha-dog pissing contest when someone extends a hand to you flat out, palm down -- visualize a Nazi salute lowered about 45 degrees. To accept the handshake, you must assume a palm up, submissive position.

Once victims figure out the domination aspect of this nasty handshake, reactions run from anger to bemusement. Everybody, however, wants to know how to respond to it the next time, and that's what occupied several spirited conversations Saturday night.

One handy guide suggests that you deal with this handshake, which it dubs "The Topper," by taking a left-foot step toward these would-be alpha dogs, thereby entering their personal space.

One of my friends, however, says he's successfully defused it by immediately placing his own flat, palm-down hand on top of The Topper, causing the asshat no small sense of embarrassment upon realizing someone's figured out the Jedi mind trick.

Another friend suggested that anybody offering a Topper handshake is such an asshat, anyway, that her response would be, "What the hell kind of insulting handshake is this? Go screw yourself!"

I like my idea best, however, since it not only is funny, but recycles one of my favorite gags from junior high. You willingly accept The Topper, but then use a couple of fingers to vigorously tickle the dominant dog's wrist and declare in a loud, clear voice:

"Unprotected Martian sex! You're pregnant!"