Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Tuesday, April 23

Gapers Block

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To paraphrase Sammy Sosa, "classifi been berry, berry goo to me." Lately, anyway. A few weeks ago, I followed-up on the state of glory holes in our fair city. And then a chance Trib reading brought me the majesty that is “(You’re Oprah!) Living God’s Dream.”

But, seriously, nothing is more heaven-sent, more crazy-fabulous than what Zencon Technologies delivers me this week.

Zencon Technologies, a shady proprietor of dating Web sites for fill-in-the-blank has brought their yenta genius to the Grand Ole Party. And, holy, holy shit.

Before we delve, let me just answer your question: Yes, there is, but Democrats as a group aren’t funny, and certainly don’t have funny pictures. And neither do Republican women, who all seem to look like realtors.

(Don’t believe me? There’s a dude on whose username is ChicagoBushLover. And he is neither a dyke nor on a bike.)

Single gals, pay attention. If you want to find them, you can use our username and password: gapersblock and Chicago. I withheld their names because although I'm making fun of them, I don't want someone to do a self-conscious Google search and find out that some smartass in Chicago is getting all ha-ha over their quest for love. Which I support. Just like every woman's right to a safe and legal abortion. There.

Bachelor #1

Let’s start off with a bang. He is a self-employed Jew from Champaign. He loves God. And he loves Country. He is the anti-David Cross, with his flag and his shotgun. But, c’mon, how can you not love that serious little punim?

Bachelor #2

No, no, not the moneyed retired country singer! A Stetsoned knock-off from Rockford, the Screw Capital of the World. Get him while you can, ladies. He’s in his Jesus year.

Bachelor #3

Another Midwesterner! This smiley, Freddy Krueger doppelganger gave up his career to climb mountains – and he’d like to climb yours as well. Give him a shot! Dance away an evening with his pleather fedora knocking you in the eye, with Dave Koz filling your ears.

Bachelor #4

Looking for a pen pal? This lil’ fella from Ohio is your man. This is a picture of him receiving a scholarship. He is on the left. The person on the right is undoubtedly a republican lady. Note the scarf.

Bachelor #5

He’s the anchorman on Channel 13 at noon. He’s your orthodontist. He’s Satan! This fella, from Arizona, is that kind of scrubbed-clean, good-looking Everyman that you just can’t help but distrust. Or sex up in the bathroom of an airport lounge after way too much Chablis, whatever.

Bachelor #6

This suitor has no soul. He frightens me. Also, he’s the sort of neighbor who gave out those shitty Dum-Dum lollipops for Halloween.

Bachelor #7

I actually quite like this guy. He looks happy and kind. And also like a fat Michael Caine. But the funny part is that he circles himself. And there are no other people in the picture. Just him holding a little bag, which I imagine has a cruller in it.

Bachelor #8

When I was going through my 56 pages of search results, I was all “What’s Hulk Hogan doing on the site?” I clicked for an enlarged view of Guitarzan’s photo and a co-worker came over and exclaimed, “That’s no guitar; that’s an axe. And he can rock it.” Rock, indeed. The next time I’m in Vegas, I’m looking him and his hair up. You rock, guitarzan.

Bachelor #9

There’s someone for everyone, and I hope he finds his lady love. Who could ignore that photo, especially with the caption “Huggable Teddy Bear”? He says he’s self-employed, but what do you think he actually does? I think he’s some sort of whittler. Or maybe a buglesmith.

Bachelor #10

There are no words. Take a look at this photo, and realize that the caption accompanying it reads: WE ARE SEARCHING.


Spend some time with this photo, captioned “Loanlybrokenhearted.” And imagine this conversation:

Bachelor Bonus: Smile for the camera, Angel.

Angel: …

Bachelor Bonus: Yes, my Angel. She will see this and she will write to us.

Angel: …

Bachelor Bonus: She will see you, and she will see me. And she will see that we have several boxes of cereal. And some books. She will love us.

Angel: …

Bachelor Bonus: That’s right. She won’t leave. We’ll be happy forever. Can you kiss me, Angel?

Angel: ..!

Bachelor Bonus: I enjoy the patina of desperation on your lips and face, Angel.

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