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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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I have seen much in my time: father-daughter clowns eating cinnamon rolls in a down-at-heel family restaurant; a fully erect horse; and just the other day, a van burning in front of my house. And I've seen and read more than this on Craig's List. But never have I found something as weird and gross as this week's rash of Etc. job ads.

Some "south side marketing firm" wants to know all about your experiences with scat. And not sexy-type experiences, just bowel habits in general. So, listen up, all you tellers of the poo-related bon mot! Here's a way to make some easy coin.


Constipated as a child, received professional intervention & medical or behavioral treatment. Able to talk about the lasting effects of the experience in adulthood. Need not suffer from constipation now.

I have a hard time even admitting that people go to the bathroom, much less that children might need fecal counsel. But I remember staying overnight at a friend's house and at breakfast observed a bizarre little push-and-pull between the parents and the youngest, constipated member of the family. I'd be pissed off if I had to eat wheat germ and prunes when everyone else got Lucky Charms.


Willing to talk about bowel & lavatational habits

Compensation: $75.00 for 90 miniutes

I promise you that any dude who's willing to talk about his poo habits for $90 isn't going to know what the fuck lavatational means. In fact, if you put "lavatation" into Google, you get a bunch of results for some level in Quake billed as "LAVATATION: THE OCTOBLIVION MECCA, A big-ass deathmatch level for QUAKE 2." Now, doesn't that paint a picture?


Senior willing to talk about bowel & lavatational habits

Compensation: $75.00 for 90 miniutes

I'm not a senior woman, but I can imagine that bowel habits don't change much over time. When you hit 50, you don't start zigging when you'd been zagging, no? Presumably, when I'm 50, I'll still be constructing toilet seat covers out of layers of tissue and singing "Up, up, and away in my beautiful balloon" while thinking of the color blue just so I can pee. And you wonder why I drink!

Maybe this column will be your way to earn a quick 90 big ones. Maybe you're just as bewildered and disturbed as I am. But I think we can agree on one thing: we're going to find some crazy search terms in our logs. (No pun intended.)

Oh, yeah, and Alan Keyes for Senate!

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Robert / August 6, 2004 11:38 AM

Do you know why the ads are only for women? Becasue you really don't need to pay the average man to speak about his fecal activities. This topic will come up after sports and the weather in the average male conversation.

Bee / August 6, 2004 12:34 PM

Nitpicking: The ads say $75 for 90 minutes, not the other way around.

In other words, not nearly enough.

Cornelia P. / August 6, 2004 1:23 PM

It's $75 for 90 minutes, but constipated people aren't going to be able to say everything they need to say in that time. They're going to need some time alone, a couple of good magazines, and at least twelve and a half more minutes.

Which, at the rate of $1.20 a minute, brings the tab up to $90. See?

suzanne / August 6, 2004 2:43 PM

i once knew a woman who hadn't pooped in five years and her poop had to be surgically removed. that counts for something,surely. maybe not $75 to $90 but it counts for something.

Shylo / August 6, 2004 5:11 PM

WTF, Suzanne! Are you serious? Had she never heard of espresso?

daruma / August 9, 2004 12:39 PM

I think you are really wrong on one point - talk to any senior (male or female) & I'm pretty sure they're going to tell you bowel habits do change a lot as they got older.

Shylo / August 9, 2004 3:04 PM

Bowel habits or bowel movements? There is a fine -- but foul -- distinction.

I have turned GB into a Farrelley Bros. movie.

suz / August 9, 2004 3:16 PM

well, not to get too personal -but whoops, guess i already did, and she will reamain nameless but she had a medical condition that caused this problem -Lupus,which is a horrible horrible horrible disease.
Uhm. Yeah kind of makes this not so funny anymore.
Sorry, I'm a bad bad bad person!


About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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