I have seen much in my time: father-daughter clowns eating cinnamon rolls in a down-at-heel family restaurant; a fully erect horse; and just the other day, a van burning in front of my house. And I've seen and read more than this on Craig's List. But never have I found something as weird and gross as this week's rash of Etc. job ads.

Some "south side marketing firm" wants to know all about your experiences with scat. And not sexy-type experiences, just bowel habits in general. So, listen up, all you tellers of the poo-related bon mot! Here's a way to make some easy coin.

Focus Group Study: SEEKING FEMALES CONSTIPATED AS A CHILD

Seeking:
Constipated as a child, received professional intervention & medical or behavioral treatment. Able to talk about the lasting effects of the experience in adulthood. Need not suffer from constipation now.

I have a hard time even admitting that people go to the bathroom, much less that children might need fecal counsel. But I remember staying overnight at a friend's house and at breakfast observed a bizarre little push-and-pull between the parents and the youngest, constipated member of the family. I'd be pissed off if I had to eat wheat germ and prunes when everyone else got Lucky Charms.

Focus Group Study: SEEKING MALES TO TALK ABOUT BOWEL HABITS

Seeking:
Willing to talk about bowel & lavatational habits

Compensation: $75.00 for 90 miniutes

I promise you that any dude who's willing to talk about his poo habits for $90 isn't going to know what the fuck lavatational means. In fact, if you put "lavatation" into Google, you get a bunch of results for some level in Quake billed as "LAVATATION: THE OCTOBLIVION MECCA, A big-ass deathmatch level for QUAKE 2." Now, doesn't that paint a picture?

Focus Group Study: SEEKING SENIOR FEMALES TO TALK ABOUT BOWEL HABITS

Seeking:
Senior willing to talk about bowel & lavatational habits

Compensation: $75.00 for 90 miniutes

I'm not a senior woman, but I can imagine that bowel habits don't change much over time. When you hit 50, you don't start zigging when you'd been zagging, no? Presumably, when I'm 50, I'll still be constructing toilet seat covers out of layers of tissue and singing "Up, up, and away in my beautiful balloon" while thinking of the color blue just so I can pee. And you wonder why I drink!

Maybe this column will be your way to earn a quick 90 big ones. Maybe you're just as bewildered and disturbed as I am. But I think we can agree on one thing: we're going to find some crazy search terms in our logs. (No pun intended.)

Oh, yeah, and Alan Keyes for Senate!