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Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Tuesday, March 5

Gapers Block

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If only we showed our soft underbellies to each other more often. Would we be sweeter? More understanding? Or would we take a knife to that skin, strip it back and take a bite?

Were you one of the 208 who posted to our "anonymous" Fuel thread? Don't tell me (although you know I want to know). While this Fuel topic was incredibly, ridiculously compelling - I checked it, like, every 25 minutes - there was something that really stood out. It wasn't any one particular post, though. Not the one about peeing in a roommate's OJ. Not the one about fucking a rich married guy. No, the thing about the "anonymous" Fuel was the fact that so many of the secrets could apply to anyone. You know what I mean. When you read the thread, you probably found at least half a dozen posts that could have been yours. And at least two or three that could have been about you.

I don't want to out anyone or make fun of anyone. But this week, Public Notice wants to celebrate the spirit of anonymity found in last week's Fuel as well as the sense of joy or hope behind of the featured posts.

01.16.06, 08:38 AM - j said:

I have been systematically appropriating the archictecture and design magazines from the architect next door at work. I feel no guilt and will continue, nothing can stop me! Muahahahah

Cara had been a receptionist at the ad agency for just over three months. Long enough for the bennies to kick in. So that Thursday, sporting a new filling, she unlocked the office doors at 7:45 a.m. then went back to get the Trib. Some thing about the mayor on the cover. But there was also a copy of Metropolis addressed to Crane, Schreiber and Love next door. There was an article about Pratt. Cara always wanted to go there.

01.16.06, 12:12 PM - anon said:

i've rubbed one off at work before.

Caryl scoffed at this one. "Come on. Who hasn't?" she thought. Then she got up and went to the staff meeting. Sometimes she entertained herself by imagining disparate officemates having sex. Caryl picked one of the newer lab techs, a girl with breasts she couldn't quite imagine braless. Did her nipples peek upward? Caryl couldn't quite picture it. But she paired the lab tech with one of the analysts, a tallish Asian guy with a mole on his neck. In her mind, as Caryl's boss talked about the profit-sharing program, the lab tech leaned against a wall, legs spread, with the analyst licking her ankles.

01.17.06, 11:39 AM - anon said:

I once made an audio recording of a fella that I was screwin' because he always got really energetic and said the nastiest things to me during the act. I wanted to be able to listen later and re-enact it by myself. He is unaware of the existence of such a recording.

Theo knew, or at least, he suspected. Pete had so much audio crap lying around. And then there was that time when he taped himself peeing and sent it to Theo. That was weird. But Theo knew at some point, Pete would realize Theo's star power.

01.17.06, 01:16 PM - anon said:

I feel like a fraud most of the time. And I am a successful, well-educated person with a job that most folks would love to have. But I'm pretty certain, everyday, that I will be found out.

No. You won't. And at some point, when she had the condo and the dog and the man, she managed to forget she had ever felt like this. But at lunch time, she always read some thick tome, never succumbing to the $1.99 celebrity mags under the counter at the show where she bought her sugarless gum.

01.17.06, 03:07 PM - Anon said:

I accidentally found a summer camp roomate's condoms. I then purposefully poked a needle hole in one of them. Don't know why.

Trudy welched on her promise to sleep with Adam, even after he sang her that stupid song. After calling her a bitch (which he would really regret because he would have to comfort his 14-year-old after the same thing happened to her after Winter Formal 20 years later) Adam tossed the condoms to Anthony the next bunk over. Six months later, Anthony tried to tug one on in the back of his parents' Vanagon while perched over Sandy Sassamon. It broke. Which was good. Because Sandy had admitted to herself months ago that she was really a lesbian.

01.17.06, 08:11 PM - anon said:

I am a waste of potential...

Growing up, I was the 'A' student, the "kid who was going somewhere," the "brain..."

I am now 36 years old, still renting and in debt, and in a crappy job I could care less about..

It's not that I'm lazy; it's just that I don't give a shit. At some point, I missed my "calling." Why didn't I see the signs? Maybe I should be in Africa right now with the Peace Corps. Or maybe I should be living in Oregon and running my own yoga studio. Or maybe I should be in Japan teaching english. One thing I do know for certain is that I am not cut out for corporate America. Too much of my soul has already been sucked out and I'm not getting any younger...

I need to get my shit together, and soon...

Mrs. Dubin, a gifted and talented teacher at Paulus Middle School out in Palatine read this post. And she sighed because she knew that 99.9% of the kids she'd taught would feel this way. Except for maybe one every five years who would do way too much acid in college and freak out, then drop out, then actually come up with an inspired idea.

01.18.06, 10:57 AM - anon said:

I worked my ass off during school at an office job and destroyed my GPA, my credit and my health as a result of working+drinking+burnout. After 6months on unemployment I finally got a new job, re-enrolled in school and dramatically reduced my drinking. That very weekend I got into a DUI accident with an off-duty cop who chased me down and destroyed my car with his. I'm probably going to go to jail for this and will probably fail school and lose my new job as a result.

Funny thing is, I'm not worried about it. I go to school and work everyday as if nothing has happened. My trial is on valentines day. I'm 24.

Ginevra was 27. And she met the man she imagined she'd have children with. Cal. His eyes hungered for her body the first time she revealed it, on their fourth date. And he was so sweet, and memorized her every utterance. Two months into their courtship, Cal revealed he had been in jail for three months for a DUI accident. But after that, he'd gone to rehab, gotten intensive counseling, and finally finished his degree. Ginevra had no idea what to say. So she just kissed him. And it all worked out. Really.

Confession: while I've been writing this column, I've been watching "Gauntlet: II" a Road Rules/Real World MTV show. It sucks. I wish "Super Sweet 16" was on.

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