Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Tuesday, April 23

Gapers Block

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This Thanksgiving was also my birthday. I turned 26 while preparing a turkey, two kinds of stuffing and three vegetable sides for six. Last year, my golden birthday, I hosted what turned out to be a huge drunken make-out party. When I celebrate, I celebrate big.

The last time my birthday was on Thanksgiving was five years ago -- when I turned 21. I spent the day doing shots with my brother after inventing a drinking game while watching Austin Powers. It was the first time I'd met my father's girlfriend, a nitwit who I cannot respect simply because she ended up marrying my father. Shortly after sitting down to dinner, I passed out into her contribution to the meal -- a cranberry Jell-O mold layered with cream cheese and walnuts. Later, I woke up in the middle of a movie theatre showing the latest James Bond just in time to witness the scarily hot Denise Richards mispronounce "atomic."

This has been a weird birthday for me, and I'm particularly sure why. Maybe it's because my day has been usurped for our national binge-fest. Maybe it's because 26 doesn't really matter. Maybe it's because I'm in this weird, dispirited, and overworked frame of mind. Who knows? Pass the peas.

Holiday Birthdays I have the absolutely most horrible birthday on the calendar. January 2. By that time no one wants to celebrate since they have been celebrating non-stop for nine days. The weather also usually turns horrid by then. So all you Xmas babies, you really have it lucky. Your birthdays may get combined with Xmas but at least it isn't an after thought. (Craig's List)

This sorry SOB is right. Everyone's hung-over, cash-poor and tired by the time your b-day rolls around. Maybe you make a bunch of resolutions about quitting this or that, and then your good pal birthday rolls in and you just say, "Oh, fuck it. Bring on the booze and smokes."

I know that all I want to do in January is beat my head against the wall in the hope that I'll pass out for a few months and wake up safe in the arms of Spring. I guess you could just lump it together with Jan. 1 and really do it up, but it's just not the same.

electric car defroster/de-icer - $10 an eddie bauer electic car defroster/de-icer. you plug it into your cigarett lighter and it warms up to help scrape/melt the ice off of windshield and windows. great christmas gift. i was just given one for my birthday, but i don't need it. $10. email or call 773-000-0000. (Craig's List)

"Great God damn it," he, sighed. It seemed like her birthday had just passed, and here it was, blinking on his Outlook calendar. It was too late to send that bitch flowers and he wasn't willing to shell out for express delivery. "I'll just pick something up on Michigan Ave. on my way home," he thought. He paused in front of Hammacher Schlemmer, and almost bought a "personal massager" for her. God knows she needed it. "Screw it," he said. He picked up something cute from La Perla and had it sent to his mistress. And next door, at Eddie Bauer, while he was looking for a flannel nightgown for that frigid bitch, he found the de-icer and appreciated the symbolism. Happy friggin' birthday.

It's my birthday, looking for some fun, NSA - m4w - 33

Well, I just turned 33 today and am looking for a woman that wants to fuck tonight. I'm 5'6", have a little extra weight around the middle, and am decent looking. Prefer to have sex without a condom, I want to fill your pussy with cum. I have been tested and am disease free. I have also had a vasectomy, no risk of getting prego by me. I live hour SW of Chicago, but work in the city. Willing travel to the right woman. (Craig's List)

Nothing like entering into your Jesus year than risky sex with a total stranger! Maybe it wouldn't have been the choice of our Lord and Savior, but whatever floats your boat, cuz. I know there's nothing I would like better than granting a little fat man's wish than trucking down to Homewood or some such place for some NSA action.

owl pendant I lost a very special owl pendant. I think it fell off my necklace as I was wearing it Tuesday night. I got on the Western Blue line, transfered downtown to the Red line at Washington and got off at the Fullerton stop. It is unmistakeable - about three inches long, silver with a large blue stone embedded in it. It was a birthday present. Maybe for my next birthday I will get a better chain. Please please please return it if found, reward negotiable. Thank you! (Craig's List)

The pendant was from Marco, the conjurer. It was found lodged in a crack of the gypsy's home, unscathed by fire. Marco said it would protect me. He also said that if the pendant should ever leave my side, it would because I had failed him. I am sorry, Marco. Though you burn in the fires of Hell, I hope you forgive me.

AD OF THE WEEK lets be text message buddies - m4w - 26 text messages will kill you. but in the meantime lets be buddies. im drunk and right now it sounds like a good idea.

write back. (Craig'g List)

Oh, my God. There is something lovely and desperate about this ad. And also sort of lame and responsible. Who hasn't made mistakes while drunk? Some people drink and drive. This person drinks and posts. About text messaging! That's like wanting to tell you boss off by calling him a dork. It might be embarassing, but it will hardly get you fired.

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