Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Sunday, March 3

Gapers Block

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Remember going to the store and salivating in front of the glossy bins of Brach's candies? If your mom had her back turned for long enough, you'd sneak your dirty little paw into the caramels and pull out a fist full. And that box for nickels for samples? Yeah, you weren't so into that.

But occasionally, mom would let you pick your own mix. Mine was really heavy on caramels, but I'd throw some gummi worms and a bit of that shitty taffy in for color.

Today's Public Notice column is sort of the same way -- except for the shitty taffy. Check out a bunch of awesome classifieds from the Reader, Craig's List, and the Sun-Times.

MARIAH. A SECRET, you know what I hate the worst? I hate nothing. Hating nothing, is nothing better than hating something. (Chicago Reader)

This dude (presumably) has placed ads in the Personals section of the Reader for as long as I've lived here. They're always addressed to Mariah and make little if any sense. Maybe he's referring to another Mariah, but he's probably is sending these crazy little missives to the four-octave/ho-bag wonder Miss Carey.

But don't you want to see the inside of this guy's apartment? Troll dolls and ferrets for days.

NEED TO BORROW tapes of season finales of NYPD Blue and Drew Carey, and Drew Carey episodes of Mimi's house fire. Missed seeing them! 773-XXX-XXXX. (Chicago Sun-Times)

I admire this adster's dedication to seeing these shows through. I don't give a shit about either of these shows, not being a fan of either Dennis Franz' flappy ass or the mediocrity of Carey's Clevelend comedy.

But it I'd missed the last episode of season two of America's Next Top Model, I too would seek it out from Chicagoland's readers. Oh! Season three premiers next week. Tyra Banks' demonic presence is undeniable.

Looking to face-fuck you - m4m - 24
Looking for an anonymous guy who is willing to host. Must be discreet. I'd like to walk in, drop my pants, face-fuck you for a few minutes, blow my load on your face, and leave.

No talking, no BS. I'm clean cut, d/d free, 24 year old white male. Don't have a huge dick (about 5.5", average width) so this should be doable for anyone used to sucking dick.

E-mail if interested! (Craig's List)

There is not much subtlety in the gay community, is there? Face fuck? Blow my load? Or perhaps it's not gay men that talk like this, but horny men in general. Show me the woman who would ever say "face fuck" and I'll show you Extra #23 from Anal Fuck Police #25.

For Sale: 2 Precious Moments Figurines (Photos) - $10

Precious Moments #139548 - 'You're Forever In My Heart' - Original box. No chips or cracks. $10

Precious Moments #E2364 - Goat - Original box. No chips or cracks. $6 (Craig's List)

If you're in search for a place to hold your nuptials, consider the Precious Moments Victorian Wedding Island just outside of Branson, MO. For just over $5K, you can treat up to 50 guests to the I Give You My Love Forever True package. You'll get "smooth-tasting" champagne along with dinner. Or you can get gypped with the $2500 May the Lord Bless You Two package. Up to 20 guests and a lousy champagne toast.

Creepy ass Precious Moments shit included.

I need LYE\ Caustic Soda\ Sodium Hydroxide
Hello, I like to make homemade ol fashioned soap. I use red devil lye, but it is so expensive I thought I would ask to see if someone has extra. I tried buying it wholesale and they will only sell a 55 gallon drum- which is a little more than I need! I would like about a painters bucket full- about 3 gallons. I would be willing to trade some of the finished product- I am also a liscensed manicurist so I could fill you or give you some pedicures in exchange. There are a variety of things I could offer you , let me know what you are interested in! Oh Lye comes in two forms, I have never worked with the liquid, I prefer the powedered form! (Craig's List)

Yes, serial killers, do you have any extra lye? After you're done destroying the evidence, maybe you can pass some along to this DIY diva. What about you, Tyler Durden?

I wonder what her nails must look like after dipping in the lye all day.


Ad of the Week:

Looking for my space cowboy and gansta of love!!! If your name is Maurice, then I'll give you another nickname! Oh men, please be a lovah and spiritual. Have some crazy passions about something. Want a one on one long term relationship. Be attractive, if not be fucking hilarious. Love to make love. Want to have the coolest almost unbelievable relationship with your girl. Want to have a kid someday. If you want these things, look me up. Pictures will most likely get faster responses but I'd love to speak with anyone that is serious. Pictures can be shared when both are comfortable. (Craig's List)

To this I say, "Fuck Steve Miller with an acid-covered, barbed dildo."

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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