Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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I'm feeling Scroogey lately, due to all the tinsel and carols and general holiday nonsense. I had a very heartwarming column lined up for this week, but have decided to shelve it, lest I push a reader to yakking up a tummyful of sappy, sugary holiday pap.

Instead, I'm bringing you some of this week's more memorable Craig's List posts. CL never fails to restore my faith in people. That we are ridiculously f'ed up. That we are chickenshits who will say anything anonymously.

Kicking Balls is fun - m4w - 27

Hi Hi!

This is not about soccer. Serious offer. Opportunity for a girl (group of girls) to get a chance to kick a guy in the nuts just for the hell of it. Nothing expected in return (no money, sex, anything). If you've ever been curious what it would be like, or if you've done it before and find it fun, this is your chance. Only requirement is YOU need to think it is beneficial to you (for entertainment, stress relief, let out anger...etc).

Why let you kick nuts? Curiosity on my behalf. Pain is not exactly fun, but a curiosity exists to see if a girl has the opportunity to do so, would she, and if so, how many times? how hard? and at what point will she be satisfied with it?

Respond if you think you're up for it.

I don't have male genitalia, but I'm pretty familiar with it and know that it is sensitive. So this little Craig's List experiment seems pretty risky, yes? I'm sure he's not doing an experiment in female psychology but rather gets off like a rocket at the mere thought of ball kickage. But I'm a cynic.

Or maybe he's a UofC psych student dicking (oh, pun so intended) around, looking for a dissertation topic. And, if so, isn't this a prime example of why scientists invent robots?

Need a wingwoman for a little acting job asap! You will be paid! - w4w - 25

Hey there. I need to make my ex boyfriend jealous. He dumped me for some bi girl and told me if I was more experimentive he would have stayed with me. Well, my problem is we still have the same friends and are still getting invited to the same parties. This Friday is a party that I want to go to. He will be there with his new bisexual girlfriend.

So, what I need is a girl who will act like my girlfriend, hugs, kisses, hot dancing,lots of displays of affection. Without the lesbian sex of course! I'm straigt as an arrow. I'm a student but will give ya 40.00 for two hours of your time, plus provide you with free dinner that night and drinks where we will discuss my plan to make my ex wish he was still with me.

Thank you!

There have been times in my life when I've run short of money, sure. Once, a guy I met on the Internet paid me $50 to take pictures of my hands. We met at a Best Buy and it took five minutes. There wasn't much in it for me, so it was appropriate to exchange cash.

But something like this? I'm sure that this girl could find plenty bi-curious coeds if she looked. However, what's really going on here is that her "ex-boyfriend" is really her "current boyfriend" who wants to watch her "pretend" to grind some chick on a dancefloor.

What gives it away? What college student a) has $40 to burn and b) can pay for someone else's drinks and dinner? At least, not without coups, baby. Not without coups.

This next one's long. Hang in there.

Personal Assistant / Social Coordinator - m4w - 28 I am an associate at a big law firm downtown and need a personal assistant/social coordinator. Here is why: Right now, it's way after midnight on a weekend and I am still drafting papers. There's a carton of Chinese food on my desk, coffee in a Styrofoam cup, Norah Jones playing in the background, print-outs of court cases all over the floor. I am in jeans, so in a few hours I get to take a cab home, change into shirt and slacks, shower, and then come right back to work. Which would be fine-for other people. But I'm 28, in the prime of my life, fun-loving and people-loving, and refuse to waste my best years here. But I am working here to help family. Anyway, since I am too busy to do it myself, I need you to:

Handle my finances
Water my plants
Call my mother
Pay my bills
Shop (clothes for me, presents for friends who are getting married or having kids)
Cook (and freeze) a healthy meal every now and then
Return/borrow library books and movies
Decorate my place
Help me keep up with my friends
Match me with new friends-I will give you my friendster password, or use your people skills
Get me into parties, worthwhile art receptions, concerts, book readings I can attend in my limited time
Find me an occasional date for firm and other events
Make reservations at fun places to eat out
Suggest, plan and expose me to new experiences that Chicago has to offer (I've been here only a year)
Confess to my priest

My requirements: You must be cultured and charming (college educated at the very least). You must love life. You must know people. By that I mean you must have some kind of a rolodex to get me into front row, back stage, ring side. But I also mean you must understand people, and specifically me.

Time commitment: about 4 hours every two weeks with two hours doing errands, two planning and doing social activities. I would say this is the perfect job for a grad student or an aspiring actor/artist/musician-someone with flexible time. E-mail with resume/picture because you will be representing me in your interactions. Alternatively, you can respond in an e-mail about how you would handle the job and other ideas. We can set up short interviews from there.

If you are good I will recommend you to other attorney friends in the same boat. Salary negotiable but see above for constraints.

I feel for this gal. Really, I do. Many of us struggle with the balance between succeeding professionally and having a marginally fulfilling personal life. I mentioned this ad to my lunch companions the other day and someone remarked, "Hey, that sounds like a wife! I need a wife, too."

If I were a true entrepreneur, I'd set up a service to provide today's working gal with all of the comforts of a wife, without any of the hassle of emotional attachment and maintenance. But, alas, I'm too busy buying presents for others and planning my weekend to put together a cogent business plan.

Attn Art Lovers: Can you sponsor me.... - w4m - 24 Hello. My name is Tonya and I am a super talented, self-taught Chicago artist.

Everyone plays a role in society. The role of the artist is to provoke, inspire and remind the world that possibilities beyond what one can see or know still exist. Artist provide the soil that nutures and encourages the birth of great movements, great people and great enterprises. Always, it has been art that has shaped civilization. As Mondrian so eloquently stated: " the position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel". If you believe in art and artists the way I do, please sponsor me for the month of December. In order to keep my artist studio, I have to raise $1300 in two weeks. If you support charities, there is no better one to support than a local artist!

Thank you so much for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you, and thank you for taking the time out to read my message

Listen up, people! If those bastards at the Greater Chicago Food Depository call you and ask for more of your hard-earned money to feed people, tell them you're all charitied out this year. Tonya comes first!

I do believe in supporting "super-talented" local artists. But I do that through purchasing their work. And while Tonya may indeed "nuture [sic] ... great enterprises," she'd be wise to "nuture" her own enterprise by picking up a little extra work to fund that studio.

This ad reminds me of, the Web site started by a spendthrift with tens of thousands of debt. People sent her thousands in donations to clear her credit. This infuriated me, partially because she didn't have to work hard and pay her debt off herself, but also because she actually asked strangers to bail out her bad-decision-making ass.

At times, I wonder what would come to me if I had the gumption.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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