As of January 1, 2016, Gapers Block has ceased publication. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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TODAY

Saturday, December 14

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Airbags

Let’s say that you’ve had a little too much mulled wine at your parents’ house in Bolingbrook and as your dad puts you on the train, he slips you a little something extra. So you get back to your apartment and you’re feeling seriously loosey-goosey. And hey, since you can still type, what the hay? Let’s check out the Internets. You watch the SNL “Chronicles of Narnia” thing a few times and then you skee-daddle on over to Craig. And hello, Craig.

My Kitty Gave Me a Christmas Present
Woke up with morning wood. My sweet little cat came to rest on my tummy, purring up a storm. She began that thing cats do, kneading the dough, with her front paws. She noticed the big lump under the blanky and started in on it with her paws, and my erection got so big and stiff I had to get up and go yank.

Thankyou, little kitty, and Merry Christmas to you!

Makes me realize how much I need a REAL pussy!

Um, yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow.

After the presents are opened.... - 24
Any Ladies wanna hook up after the presents are opened? I'm 24, Long brown hair, brown eyes, Italian girl, 5'8", 150lbs. I have a picture, but I need to verify your voice (just to make sure you're not a guy). I'm bi, but NO MEN AND I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE A 3SOME!! At least not a 3some with a guy involved! Also, I can't host. I've been with my share of girls before so I'm not the shy timid type. I know what I want, do you? Lets get together tonight....

Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But finding a same-sex impromptu hook-up is so delightful! Isn’t it difficult to arrange that sort of experimental play in the best of times, but on xmas? And so many stipulations! Methinks if you want some poontang take-out, you need to take what you get.

Can I see your Hanukah Bush? - 41
What's a Jewish guy to do on Christmas Day? (OK OK I know tonight is also Hanukah, but not till sundown and by then, everything is closed.) I say we go out for breakfast/brunch/a movie/whatever you want. You don't have to be Jewish; you simply need to be able to tolerate hanging out with one! Ill pay-you attend. Respond quickly please! It's already 10:00!! Please be between 21-30, thin, well-read and, most importantly, FUN!

Well-read? Since when does a holiday hook-up need to be well-read? Like he’s going to discuss Celine and if she’s all “Dion?” he’ll walk out. I think not, sugarplums.

Damnit!!!
I've been drinking. It's Christmas!! All it has gotten me is buzzed and missing you. I wish you didn't feel so betrayed by me. I wish I didn't feel so insecure around you.

I really like you a lot and I want you back!!! I was falling in love with you, dear friend. And I'm pretty sure that your feelings were growing for me too.

Damnit, damnit, damnit!!! This sucks. I want you back and I don't know what to do. Alcohol just seems to be affecting every part of my life. I should go to al-anon or even AA.

AA might be a good idea for you, dear soul. You’ve got two choices. Go now and beat the post-New Year rush. Or spend this next week in a profound alcoholic haze. I vote for the latter because it just means more sad-ad action in the classies.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking and gardening. She just married a pretty cool dude. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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