Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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Oh, man, it's been ages since I really turned out an adult-themed column. Dirty stuff isn't so Gapers Block, you know? But the time is now. We're all stuck indoors and we'll all more than vaguely unhappy with the fucking freezing temperatures. And some of us, instead of cowering under blankets and curling around a SAD lamp, decide that this is the time to get our freak on.

Some of the following fantasies are relatively vanilla, but just you wait.

You have a "Pretty Woman" Fantasy - m4w
Ever wanted to play "Pretty Woman" for just a few hours? Drop me a line. Have fun. Make some dough. Live life!

I love that: "Make some dough. Live life!" As far as I recall, this was not the tagline for the movie "Pretty Woman," although it really, really makes me laugh. But just like that totally improbably whore story, this post is also probably not what it seems. Oh sure, maybe you'll get a free meal at an Olive Garden, a sweater dress at Kohl's and most definitely too many Long Islands at this guy's local haunt in St. Charles or wherever. But I don't think you'll end up overturning divots at a rugby match. Just a hunch.

SOCKSFETISH - m4w - 29
Hi 29 male chicago brown hair and eyes tan skin clean cut very attractive. I'm a nice normal guy ,i'm disease free. However i also have a high sex drive and i am kinky. Most people want to get to know each other before anything sexual. We'll thats not a good time to find out we have nothing in common sexually. I have a fetish for socks, knee socks, tube socks argyle , soccer socks, and like other stuff. I 'd like to help fufill a girls fantasy it would be fun for me so just tell me. Anyway someone's gotta be thinking the same things as me. Reply and be real and we can take it from there. I have PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS

This is weird, maybe, but not WEIRD. Not forward-to-your-friends weird. But I wonder how this got started. Most likely, he went to a private school where the girls had to wear knee socks. So how does this work I wonder? Does he want to have sex with girls while they wear socks? Because that sounds pretty season-appropriate. Or maybe it's a bit more unusual, like he wants to be showered with socks or have a girl hit him with an argyle sock full of quarters. Whatever.

are there any women who enjoy smoking? - m4w - 25
i was wondering if there are any women out there that smoke and really enjoy it and would like to force a man to breath their smoke with a gas mask.I have been seeking a woman for quite a while and am hoping to find a girl who is open to this fantasy / fetish of mine. i am definately open to sex and having fun in accompaniment with this fetish its just something i have liked for my whole life and am looking to have a fun experience with . So if your open to the idea send me a pic and i will send you mine.:)

!!! Whatever you want to say about this fantasy, it is terribly inventive. Also, it makes me think about Belmont Army-Navy Surplus in a totally different way.

Goofy Cold Weather Fantasy - m4w - 29
Are there any women out there that can stand the cold weather long enough to give me a hand job outside today? You can keep all of your clothes on and stay warm, I would just like to meet somewhere outside, drop my pants and let you have at it.

I am a fit and clean 29 year old hung white guy. I can come to you or you can come to me. It's weird but this seems like the perfect day to do it.

Jackpot! Yeah, this isn't so much kinky as it just is stupid. This fella posted this ad last weekend during that really nasty cold snap and I bet he's still nursing some unnecessary numbness in his man parts. All I hope is that he found a particularly adept young lady who accomplished the task before he got frostbite on his junk. I also have to add a bit about the mental picture I have about this situation:

On a dingy fire escape in a Chicago six-flat, a bored girl snaps her gum, smokes a Newport, and shivers in her parka. Next to her, our hero stands with his Levi's around his ankles, no boxers. His "Mancow in the Morning" t-shirt hem is tucked into the collar, keeping it out of the way. There's also a royal-blue satin baseball jacket. As he gets off, he raises his arms in triumph and screams, "I AM THE TERMINATOR, ASSHOLE."

What do you think? And what's keeping you warm at night, pumpkin?

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