Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Sunday, March 3

Gapers Block

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I have never once had a job that I liked. Until now. I recently started this really awesome job at this really awesome place with, surprise, really awesome people. And they pay me well! I had no idea that people could be happy with their jobs unless they were highly medicated - or weaving their own hemp cloth in an all-Angelina Jolie free-love commune.

While I have had neither the most incredible job history, I do have a few good stories culled from my time with the Man.

  1. September, 1999 - Shylo is called into office by boss who tells her "Just so you know, I'm feeling a little gassy today."

  2. July 2000 - Shylo gets laid off from extremely ill-conceived dot-com while on vacation in New Zealand. For the next month, she does nothing but drink milk and watch Maury Povich.

  3. November 2001 - Shylo substitute teaches at high schools. She convinces an entire senior AP class that she is about to be admitted into the FBI academy. Then she counsels a girl that stripping your way to breast implants is not a sage life choice.

  4. September 2003 - Shylo takes job which will prove to be the single worst job of her life to date. She works for an unnamed Chicago- based airline surrounded by bureaucratic, uncreative, holdovers. She also revels in saying, "C U Next Tuesday!" to her boss.

My intended says that work is just a big fucking club we are all unlucky enough to be members of. For once, I'm thankful that I have a membership.

This week's column is dedicated to all you unemployed folk, you underemployed freelancers, and the many of you who get paid to do something you hate while you work on getting paid for something you love.

The Chicago Cheer Extreme Allstars are currently registering for the 2004-2005 season, All ages. Call 773-925-3038 (Chicago Sun-Times)

Because cheering is not just fun, okay? Because it's a sport! And other athletes get paid! So why not cheerleaders, hrm? Because if there are no cheerleaders, then pageant bitches and the Hilton girls are going to have to support the entire body glitter industry on their own.


Bright? Outgoing? Energetic? Perfect. How about using your talents to help spread the word about Red Bull? We're looking for personable and highly motivated people to join the Bensenville Red Bull Mobile Energy Team. Your part time job will be to hit the streets delivering energy wherever it's needed. At work, at school, as the gym, on the road, you'll go anywhere and everywhere in search of people who might be tired and in need of energy. A couple of rules. You should be at least 18, have a good driving record and be able to work flexible hours, including weekends and the occasional evening. But most importantly, you should be charming and motivated. If this sounds like fun, you can download an application at Red Bull ENERGY DRINK (Chicago Tribune)

See, Tiffany? This is what happens to Chicago Cheer Extreme Allstars who get fat. They have to peddle an overpriced energy drink the color of piss in fucking Bensenville. And there's just one rule they forgot to put on there, Tiffany. They won't take girls who are whores so why don't you just close your slutty legs for once, hrm? Now smile pretty! That's Mama's baby.

Young Polish Lady Will Clean you house, apartment or office, Call Katie 773-875-4472 (Chicago Sun-Times)

Oh, Jesus. This is not what it says on the Statue of Liberty. "Give me your tired, your young Polish ladies who are willing to scrub the floor while a fat accountant named Alan combs his moustache as he looks on and masturbates." Poor Katie. Can we start a fund to have Katie come over and get her high on some Humboldt County shit and maybe do her nails? Because for reals, people.

CHICAGO SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA. Join our elite telephone fundraising team and help us raise 2.4 million dollars! Musicians, actors, graduate students, and professionals interested in earning extra money have all done quite well here. Excellent compensation, including cash bonuses and free tickets to concerts at Symphony Center. Part-time evenings. Will train. Call Oakes Spalding at 312-922-6683. Go with the best. (Chicago Reader)

I'm sorry. This ad was supposed to read "Join our elite telephone fundraising team designed solely to call Shylo every fucking day because she bought CSO tickets once, and only because of a really steep corporate discount."

But that's not the point of this ad. The thing you should take away is what the fuck is someone called Oakes Spalding doing training telemarketers? Shouldn't he be bleeding his fine blue blood all over some Hamptons polo ground? Or screwing over Elisabeth Shue in Adventures in Babysitting?


I Was Stabbing You In The Dominck's Check-Out Line

When my knife stuck in your breastbone, we made eye contact. I looked away really quickly, and I thought you mistook my shyness for arrogance. You ran away screaming for help, an ambulance, etc., but I know you're okay. I was just playing my favorite game, "Dart-Board," where I jab the knife into someone's breastbone just enough to stick.

I noticed what a great body you had as you ran away, knife wobbling in your chest. I'm sorry for being too shy to talk to you; really, I'm normally great in social situations, but your beauty made me speechless.

If you happen to read this, shoot me an email and maybe we can meet up for a cup of coffee or something.

Thanks, dude. I was wondering what all that knife shit was about.


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Mike / August 27, 2004 9:14 AM

I used to sell classified ads at a failing weekly that no one seemed to read and I'll tell you, it's depressing. The help wanted ads were always scams, people looking to recruit strippers or jobs that promise you can make "up to $100,000 a year!!", yet they failed to mention that you can also make down to $10,000.
Not to say all the jobs you see in the Reader, Craigslist, New City, etc. are bad, but honestly, with Chicago's rivers of unemployed people, if the job pays so well and as fun as they claim, why have they placing the same HW ad every week for the past year?


About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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