Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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I grew up in a rural part of Central California listening to an inordinate amount of AM radio. And besides the hysterical black helicopter hijinx of Art Bell, my favorite program was "Radio Tradeo."

Callers would phone up and broadcast that they had a specific item, say, a short wave radio, that they wanted to trade for, say, ice skates. More often the callers would have something off the farm like a saddle they wanted to trade for a plow or Corvette bumper. They'd give out their number and the deal would be conducted offline, as we say in the digital age.

I loved this show for the same reasons I love classifieds. It's a peek into the lives of others. But "Radio Tradeo" and Craig's List's barter section relies on the basic belief that people are trustworthy and good. Two people, coming together, to exchange a certain amount of shit for other shit. Beautiful.

Sometimes, though, people barter for weird items. And you wonder how will, say, a tantra goddess ever find a dentist who's willing to be paid in "divine bliss."

Or maybe it's easier than I think.

~~~Tantra Goddess Seeking Dentist~~~

Learn Tantra Practices in Exchange for Dental Services.

Be generously rewarded, pampered and honored for your hard work and experience. Expand your horizons, experience divine bliss and open the doors to ecstasy. Enjoy the ultimate indulgence as you are guided on a journey of peace, pleasure and relaxation.

1 hour or extended sessions In/Out/Weekend Specials

Dr. Mitchell scratched his chin when he read the ad. Tantra. He remembered hearing about that back in the '70s. Newly divorced, the good doctor had grown lonely for female companionship, but didn't want another relationship with its disappointments and complications. The ad was really too good to pass up. He steeled himself up, and responded to the tantra goddess. Her mouth was already packed in someone else's gauze.

Rights to Sketch comedy for a Bike

I will give you the rights to a comedic sketch i have written for the Kenyon College sketch comedy group Beyond Therapy for a bike.

I have a couple sketchs that I would be willing to part with that have made entire audiences crack up during shows in the last four years. I will turn over the rights to one of these sketches to you if you give me a working bicycle that i can use to get to and from the beach (where i get a lot of my writing done).

if you are really interested we can arrange a reading of a scene that you find interesting.

bike should fit a 6 foot funny guy.

The question I must ask is this: if this skit is so fucking funny, why isn't this guy on SNL or something You'd think this funny bastard should be able to capitalize on the sketch rather than giving it away to some plumber or something.

But maybe I'm not seeing the value in art in exchange for goods. Maybe someone will buy this skit and it will become a valuable part of an otherwise unfulfilled life.

Or maybe this guy should learn how to skateboard.

Cartoonist will trade artwork for functioning computer
I'm seeking a working computer or laptop that has an internal CD-ROM drive and some sort of 10/100 ethernet/LAN/NIC card already installed so I can plug it into a home network. Maybe this is the computer languishing away in your closet.

In exchange for the computer I will draw, based on your concept and specifications, a black and white cartoon line drawing rendered on 9x12-inch artist's Bristol using pen and ink and suitable for print reproduction and scanning.

Obviously, as this is a "work for hire" situation, the copyright and intellectual property rights to the cartoon image and the finished artwork itself belong to you. Reduce it and put it on your letterhead, enlarge it and paint it on the sides of your trucks, slap it on your web site, use it in your advertisements, etc.

Another artist bartering for shit. And a cartoonist no less! Let me get this straight: he wants a computer in exchange for some drawing? Unless this dude is Charles Schultz back from the fucking dead, this is a bum deal.

I can imagine some well-meaning Jewish mom hiring this guy for a bat or bar mitzvah instead of that hip-hop DJ her kid wanted. He'd come to the party, have a few too many, and confuse and bore kids by drawing demeaning sketches infused with bitterness. But, hey, free computer!

Take me Lingerie Shopping!
I'm hot and will model it for you - $150
I want new lingerie and I need to be taken Shopping.
I'm a skinny, petite, fit blonde looking to be taken lingerie shopping.
I will model any outfits you may like.

If your bugets under $150- Sorry that's too little
$150-$200 I will model any lingerie you'd like at Victoria's Secret
Over $200 I will model All Lingerie from Victorias to Lovers Lane to any you can suggest including errotic lingerie, roleplay apperal

This ad also included two photos of the poster very scantily clad. It seems that she is, indeed, hot. Truth in advertising is always commendable, even for a trade as cheap and tawdry as this one. I like that she has a minimum threshold of $150. Trotting around some stranger's living room wearing a thong and a ball gag for less than that is just cheap.

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Lacey / July 30, 2004 4:34 PM

I think that lingerie girl sounds like a lingerie amateur. Why bother with Vickie's when right across the street you can try on a bra made of real diamonds at Nordstrom (or at least try on some couture lingerie)? (I partially kid: VS did make a bra out of diamonds at one point, and I have no idea if Nordstrom has such a thing.)

Shylo / July 30, 2004 8:09 PM

You're right, Lacey. If she really knew her shit, she'd be going to La Perla.

Andrew / July 31, 2004 11:22 AM

Actually, it was Nieman Marcus, not Nordstrom's. (I have a friend who works for Nieman's.)


About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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