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TODAY

Tuesday, February 19

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Oh, Blockers, it's that time of year again. Now that the heat wave has passed and we're savoring the last tastes of summer, I turn my attention to the meatiest chunk on Craig's List. And that's the glory hole connection.

In past years, we've encountered the blindfolded Brazilian cocksucker and the cock-slicing razorblade-wielding psycho. But in '06, what's hot in g-holes? Has construction changed? What about locale? And what about the ads for glory holes? Are they as not hot as ever?

I've noticed a few choice themes in this summer's CL glory hole ads: a lack of hot riskiness, specificity, posted hours, photos and construction.

Now it's time for the breakdown:

Theme #1: No Hot Riskiness

While I was not disappointed by this summer's bounty of glory hole ads, I did miss a certain urban-legend, gay-campfire-horror-story element from previous years. It seems that the worst that can happen to you, dick-wise, is a splinter, a disease or mild disappointment.

Take, for example, the multiple ads placed by a gentleman up on the North Side.

Gloryhole open Melrose\LSD (NOW) (sheet, plaid, white)
Gloryhole is up and Im look'n to suck off cock now....[ADDRESS REMOVED] Melrose....Feed me guyz....312 XXX-XXXX.

Now, I've done you the favor of removing his stated address and phone number. Why? Well, because...

Gloryhole Available NOw THIS IS A SCAM - 37
THIS GUY IS A SCAM. DON"T BOTHER DRIVING OVER THERE. THERE IS NOBODY AT THE HOUSE AND HE WILL JUST WASTE YOUR TIME

Yeah, maybe he wasn't there. But did he bite off some horny little dude's peep and boil it up in a tasty chowda? No. Maybe you caught him when he ran out to the White Hen for some Pirate's Booty and Fanta.

Theme #2: Specifics

This summer, detail is the new black. Cocksuckers are stating when, where and how they want to get you off. These are considerate gentlemen, the type who always promptly respond to Evites with witty little RSVPs.

meet me at galaxy adult video in stone park this afternoon?
I'll be going to galaxy this afternoon to checkout the video booths and any hung cocks there. I like to wear thong panties under my shorts and suck some clean cock while watching the lesbo videos.
If you wrere never there, you will enjoy it, hopefully the management didn't close up the glory holes again.

Or we can meet there or somewhere close and go to a safe secluded place to play.
let me know

We learn a lot about this fella, from his garb to his penchant for the pink. By offering up such detail, he's allowing his suitors to self-qualify for his services. He reduces disappointment and increases interested responses. Kudos, cocksman!

Another detail-driven ad:

RAM BOOKSTORE MUSCLE BOTTOM - 29
Muscle Bottom going to RAM Bookstore on Halsted tonight to suck cock and get fucked through gloryholes.

6'3" 190lbs (10% body fat), 31w 44c, 8 cut, nice tight hole and throat for use.

If you are interested, send me your pics and I will send you mine along with the time I will be there and what I will be wearing.

Hope you can make it!!

Lovely. He even includes his body fat percentage, although I'm not sure how that really matters in that seamy little 'burg called 'Holeville. Are there business-sanctioned glory holes, though? If I were a bar or bookstore owner, I don't think I'd allow that. You have to think about your liability risk, from disease to OSHA regulations. Maybe I could go to law school and specialize in some crazy "sexpert" legal niche.

Theme #3: Posted Hours

Now, this is unprecedented in G-hole history. Sure, I've seen ads from out-of-town businessmen who have erected (ahem) one night only holes. But never this "the doctor is in" stuff.

Get that cocked sucked discretley, The gloryhole is open till 4am - m4m - 26
tired of wasting your time replying to ads of females who dont exsist? Come get your cock suck discretley. You never see me I never see you. Stick your cock thru, let me deepthroat it till you cum, zip up and go. No strings No BS, Safe and discrete.

Just send a cock pic along with your Email if interested

Here's the thing, though. This dude needs to learn that if you're going to build up a firm clientele for your cockery shop, you need to be predictable. This ad says he's open until 4am but he places others saying he's open until 11pm or 3pm. Not good business sense.

Theme #4: Photos and Construction

You can look at this theme in two different ways. Many, many, many of this summer's ads include pictures of peep. (And, generally, these pictures are poorly lit and incredibly uninspiring.) But the more rewarding photo is that of the glory hole itself. In past years, I've seen shot of crappy plywood holes not lined for his pleasure. But this year, glory hole construction has both a nadir and an apex.

The nadir: I'd show you a picture of the North Side glory hole disappointer from above. But his post has expired. Let me just tell you that the shot of his "glory hole" is a fucking sheet, dude. With a jagged-ass hole cut in it. And it's plaid. The type of sheet you'd take to Ravinia. I don't think that should count as a glory hole. It's just not permanent enough, not stable. The whole thing about the glory hole is that it is anonymous. You can see through that sheet and easily tell if your blower or blowee is fat, thin, black, white, dude, chick. And I think the jaggedly cut hole speaks directly to this guy's slipshod, poor-quality blowjob abilities.

And the apex. One glory hole advertiser, up in Rogers Park, has a hole made of cabinet-grade plywood, sanded and sealed. And he clearly has a router, based on the hole. I give him a B for quality. He misses out on the A because his hole is not lined — again, splinters — and I couldn't tell from his photo (now expired) whether or not the hole was sanded.

What's more, this hole owner actually seeded Craig's List with votes of approval. Right after he posted his hole ad, "satisfied parties" immediately gave him the thumbs up. But it was clear that these dudes were actually the poster himself. Poor guy. But, hey, check out that attention to detail!

And that about does it for this year's glory hole roundup. In the first year that I wrote my annual column on this topic, GapersBlock.com was ranked #10 in a search for "Chicago glory hole." And last year, we went up to #9. But over the past year, our ranking has climbed to #1. It's an accomplishment, surely. And I, married female lady, continue to receive at least one email per month from dudes looking for love in all the wrong anonymous, jagged holes around the city.

To them, and to you, I encourage you to shine on, crazy diamonds. Keep stickin' your dicks in them holes. And keep posting on Craig's List about it.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking, gardening and being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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