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TODAY

Monday, June 24

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Airbags

Note: For some reason, the links in this article are best viewed with IE or Firefox. So, Safari users, paste this link into one of those browsers. It's worth it.

You know, there are times when your ol' Public Notice author thinks that she's explored every angle of the classies and ads. I've done eggs, glory holes, Republicans, Oprah, and dozens of other topics. For the past few weeks, I've been stumped. But this weekend, a creative lightning bolt struck. And, Blockers, I am back.

This week, I bring you the dejected, depressed — and often times dirty — men of the Chicago Police Department's Johns Page.

I'm going to skip the insightful academy talk about sex workers and the politics of prostitution. When you select the past 30 days of photos, you'll see why. These photos are just chock-a-block of entertainment, stories, and sadness. You'll find the profiles of eight men arrested on Thanksgiving Day. And maybe your neighbor, your high school principal, your ex-boyfriends.

When you look at the profiles, they sort of blend together. The vast majority of those arrested are Black or Hispanic and range in age from 18 to 68. They're average looking, with a few of the heinous and hot thrown in. They all look hungover.

Take, for example, Tomas A.*. He sports a crazy-thick moustache and a shirt from some baseball umpire's league. I'd like to think Tomas is just a lonely 48-year-old dude with some cash in his pocket just looking for sweetness and warmth. But probably, Tomas probably got drunk, saw a slutty looking undercover cop and made a very stupid decision. Either that, or he's into chicks with dicks.

And then there's poor little Jesus, only 18 years old. Seriously? You've got to pay for it at 18? What's that say for your life's poontang prospects? And what's even more sad is that he got arrested in his own neighborhood. So now everyone he know knows he got arrested for soliciting. Like his mom. His sister. Man, at 18, you should be blowing your money on bullshit like rims — not rimjobs. Jesus, Jesus.

Hello, hello, Raymundo S. You're 68! Hey, playa. At least you still got the goods, right? What's that? You can only get it up when a small toy car is inserted into your butt? Okay, yeah. And your wife Lorena would freak if you asked her to do that? I hear you, I hear you. Good luck with that one, Raymundo. And, dude, loosen up that hairdo.

Edgar M., I have nothing to say to you. I can just tell by that mug shot that you know your ass fucked up.

Hey, it's a white guy! Hello, Kevin S. Looks like you made your way in from Schaumburg to get some in Cicero. I hope this is your first time, Kevin and I hope your wife gets herself tested. This guy pisses me off because he drove in from the suburbs to commit crime, and from his picture, he was probably drunk. You want to fuck shit up, why not keep it in the Streets of Woodfield, hrm, asshole? Go solicit something in front of the Cold Stone or the Chipotle. Douche.

Okay, now I'm confused. Check this dude out. Kenny C. Yeah, how old do you think this guy is? I say he's like 42, 43 and got popped when he had a few after some plumbers' union meeting and got rowdy. No, this guy is 22. Um, what? Looking at him makes me want to become a vegan and do the yoga 'round the clock. Because that's what hard livin' will do to you, I guess.

Why are you smiling, Samuel? If my mother saw this, she'd say that she would slap that grin right off your face. But maybe that's what you were looking for, right?

Cruise, is it? Where is your shirt? And what about you, Jeffrey? Where's yours? Boys, boys.

Oh, and there are so many more to look at! And more every day! See, Blockers? This page is a good-ass time. And like so many painful, uncomfortable things in the classies or ads, try not to think about it too much. Just laugh.

*Okay, for good measure, I changed all the names of these dudes, even though they're already on the public record. Innocent until proven guilty, right? Plus, I don't want some pumped-up john at my door all pissed that I was ha-ha about his arrest. Dig?

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett is a good, nice and kind lady. She has five nice cats and makes lots of cookies. She has been involved with Gapers Block since its birth.

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