Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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Oh, I like my job fine. It's fine. It's fine. But it's not a bullet-dodging, gonorrhea superbug-getting, helicopter-crashing kind of good time, you know? So I was cruising the Sun-Times classies and I came across job opps full of intrigue and excitement.


16 Lane Fully Auto Bowling Alley w/Snack & Full Service Bar, incl. Real Estate & all Inv. 1 1/2hr out of Chgo. $575K. Great Oppty can't build for the price! 815-XXX-XXXX lm/815-XXX-XXXX

Chuck was all, "Hold the phone, Bob. I think I just found the perfect way to hide some of my assets." After a lengthy laundering process, Chuck was now the proud owner of an alley that he renamed "Roll 'Em If U Got 'Em" in a south Chicago suburb. His ex-wife, a curator at a high-profile downtown gallery, never even considered he'd make such a low-culture purchase.

ABA Expansion Team Tryouts
Chicago Throwbacks June 2, 2007

It was the team's slogan "Where Players Are Given a Second Chance" that particularly appealed to Perry. The first third of his life story was a total movie of the week: dad left home, mom killed herself, brother in jail. But somehow Perry rose above all that and with the help of a good coach and God, gets into Duke and then played for 10 years in the European leagues. But then Perry fell prey to drugs and drink and lost everything, including his handsome looks. He has been clean for two years and three months and the last act of his life has yet to be written.

COUNTER-TERRORISM TRAINING! Protect overseas subcontractors. Earn up to $220K yr! 80% Tax Exemption! Also Hiring Bodyguards. PAID Training. $35-$150/hr! 1-866-XXX-XXXX x XXX; www.FAKEURL.NET

Benedicta knew how to stalk prey in any environment. She was proficient in handguns, improvised munitions, and spoke passable Farsi. And she was kind of jonesing to get into the mix over in the Middle East, but not on an infantryman's pay. So she applied for a job through this company. And after myriad background checks, fitness exams, and psych profiles, she will be accepted. In three months, she will be in the Green Zone, escorting Halliburton employees. One, Francis, will pay her special attention. In five months, Benedicta will realize she's pregnant and come home. And ever after that, her father will look at his bastard grandchild, shake his head and say that's why women don't belong in war.

Be a part of a multi-billion $
Industry. Franchise avail. In
Chicago area. Free brochure.

Pete and Portia could no longer stand the import business. His buying trips to remote, impoverished villages got more depressing and less adventurous over time. And Portia was finding it more and more difficult to manage the business and find time to write even passable poetry. This ad got Pete thinking: what if one of them trained as a mechanic and the other one opened up a little coffee shop? They could combine the businesses and create a people-friendly version of the traditional mechanic's shop. Portia signed up for auto repair classes at a community college. Pete took ikebana classes and started perfecting a scone recipe.

Hey, hey, hey, cowpoke! You have once again reached the end of a Public Notice column. The sixth person to email me gets a Vosges chocolate bar. Make sure you tell me what's rocking your iTunes this week.

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