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Friday, November 22

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Airbags

Everyone wants to read the Missed Connections and find an ad about them, right? Because it's nice to be wanted. And because I scour the Missed Connections of many publications, I've come across ads about a few of my friends. Although I forward them on, none of these objects of desire have ever responded to the ads.

This week's column follows a series of ads about a guy called Doug. And although it involves a few people passing the ad along, I'm stuck on the friend who e-mailed Doug about his 15 minutes of Craig's List fame.

Here's the whole exchange of Doug ads, and fictionalized accounts of what each poster's best friend would say.

LOOKING FOR DOUG FROM CHICAGO SCENE!!!! - w4m
I MET YOU OUT A WHILE AGO, YOU ARE AMAZING! I CAN'T GET YOU OF MYMIND! SO HOT AND SO SMART! WE FOOLED AROUND A LIL BUT YOU NEVER CALLED... EMAIL ME WITH YOUR INFORMATION... YOU KNOW WHO I AM!

ANYONE KNOW HOW TO GET AHOLD OF THIS GUY? LET ME KNOW!!!! HE IS SUPER HOT TALL AND VERY TAN... LET ME KNOW!

I don't get it. She's really sweet, you know? Candice is one of those girls who'll come up to a guy in a bar and be all, "Hey, what's going on?" I think that's pretty neat. And she'll get together with them and then they won't call. I just don't get it. Because if I was a guy, I'd really go for her. She's really cute -- did that sound gay? Because I'm not a lesbian. I made out with Candice once in a bar, but that was for free drinks, so it doesn't count. Right?

doug from chicago scene
doug has a serious girlfriend. I know this because my friend has been sleeping with Doug for a while and he talks about his CRAZY girlfriend all the time. I've met him twice and he is incredibly cheesy. If I were you, I'd at least wear a condom wile getting it on with Doug and his little soul patch. He's a dirty, dirty, man.

Melinda sent me the ad after she posted it, and thought I'd really get a kick out of it. And yeah, I did. It's funny. But she's just off about the whole thing. First of all, yes, I do fuck a guy called Doug who has a girlfriend. But he works at Chicago Pizza, not Chicago Scene. And he's got a van dyke beard, not a soul patch. You think she'd remember that because the first time she met Doug, she was all drunk and made a huge ass out of herself by asking him why he "had Satan's facial hair." Sometimes, I wish I could get rid of her, but she has good weed, so whatever.

Re: Doug from Chicago Scene
Is this the same Doug that I know? He's like 25ish, bartends (or did), etc..

Um, yeah, so you want to know about my friend Todd? What's this for again? Gapers Block? What's that? Oh, I thought it was called just called rubbernecking. Huh. Anyhoo, Todd. Yeah, he's always trying to start shit. You should see him behind the bar at Cans. He's always saying something stupid. You know what though? He's really good at Uno.

Re: Re: Doug from Chicago Scene
My friend called me and let me know that someone was talking about me on Craigslist.

This is the real Doug Elder, I don't have a girlfriend, haven't had one for years. I am no longer at Chicago Scene, and own my own production company. I am not cheesy or dirty, however I am guilty of the soal patch.

To whomever made the nasty post about me, whoever you are; HAVE SOME CLASS... YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT, COMMON NOW! HATERS NEVER WIN! DON'T BE SO BITTER!

To girl who originally posted, there is a reason I didn't call you back. Its probably the same reason that you post on this site looking for me.

I can't sleep anymore. And you can only watch so much late-night television. I saw the ad at like 3am one night and left a message on Doug's work voicemail. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I wish that I had not told him. Not that he was so unhappy about it or anything, but I just shouldn't have told him about it. It's just something else to think about in the middle of the night while lying in a bathtub that went cold hours ago.

Author's Note: Send me your favorite classifieds, would you? Whenever I talk to people about this here column, they're always telling me about some insane ad that they saw last year (BTW, thanks Matt!). But why not tell me now? Write me at .

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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