Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Sunday, March 3

Gapers Block

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One of the reasons I don't like the holiday season is the massive amount of crap that switches hands. It's wasteful, indulgent, and so tiring. I love getting and giving gifts, but what's the message in a Santa candle you picked up at the Kum 'n' Go? Or the Harry and David fruit basket? The vast majority of gifts passing between us during this most festive of times don't symbolize thought and care so much as they represent crossing another name off your holiday list.

Instead of just blindly giving, let's all try to thoughtfully match gifts to their recipients. With that thought in mind, I've assembled a list of items featured in this week's Sun-Times classified section. Surely, you'll find an item perfect for "that special someone."

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Katie's ears hurt from pushing her fingers deep inside them. They were yelling again. She could hear most of it, though. Typical problems about money, work, and sex. As she thought of what to get them for Christmas, Katie remembered this ad. Ten days later, the brown package arrived and she slipped it under her dad's pillow. The fighting kept us, maybe even louder than before. Sometimes, it's best to just shut out as much as you can and wait.


Kevin felt for his brother Tom, but what could he do? If Tom's wife was cheating, Kevin couldn't ask her outright and didn't want to follow her. He told Tom to be patient, to go to counseling. But it bothered Kevin so much that he decided to find out for himself. During Thanksgiving, he slipped into their bedroom and hid the spy camera. A few weeks later, he retrieved it, brought it home, and watched the footage. The camera had caught her fucking one of her co-workers. Kevin watched the footage over and over, so excited by watching his sister-in-law's betrayal. He was so aroused and so guilty that he destroyed the tape, never telling his brother.

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Last year, Louise gave Bernie a tie. He lifted it from the box, sniffed, and dropped it back down. "Next gift?" he said gruffly. This year, she was resolved to find him the perfect gift. So she made a list of all the things Bernie liked. It read: beer, hockey, Sam Elliot movies, and a young Ann-Margaret. While he was out hunting for deer, Louise went to work. She turned their basement into a clubhouse for Bernie. Louise moved in a TV and DVD player, and gift-wrapped copies of Mask and The Big Lebowski. She bought some beer taps and a cooler for a makeshift bar below a few Ann-Margaret posters. Louise was so excited for Bernie to come home and see what she'd worked for days to make for him. He came in, hungover from three days of drinking in a deer stand, and went down to the basement. Bernie looked around and nodded, then flopped into the recliner. Louise was elated.

50 ADULT DVDS Brand new, Never Opened, Recent Titles $3 ea. $125/all WhosleHs 555-555-5555

Julietta was one of those people who didn't have much respect for authority. She loved to go out of her way to piss off bosses, parents, cops, whatever. Every year around Christmas and Hanukkah, Julietta came up with some elaborate "Fuck you" for the religious community. One year, she had a huge neon sculpture created that depicted the Baby Jesus burning in the fires of Hell while Mary and Joseph wept. Another year, Julietta planted a couple joints Father Pepper's car then called the cops. When she saw this ad, she immediately called up and asked for all 50 movies.

Italian 100% Lthr. Reclining Traditional Sofa, Loveseat & Chair, Also, 3 Pc. Sectional Reclining, Like New, $1,800, 555-555-5555

"Oh, my God," said Trish. Her husband, his mother and father, and his sister stood around her as she unwrapped the sofa. Trish had asked for a sofa, sure, but not this sofa. She kept repeating it, "Oh, my God." At first, they thought she was just too overcome by their generosity. "You Italians sure take yourselves seriously, don't you?" she said, trying to be funny, and gesturing to the back of the couch which featured an eight-foot-wide version of the Italian flag done in raised velvet.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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