Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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I am exhausted. My boo and I recently took over the mothering of four little kitties birthed by a neighborhood feral and rescued by a neighbor. And since there are two tiny runts in the litter, we're losing sleep trying to feed them every three to four hours. And because my usual bedtime is a very manageable 10pm and since the last feeding of the night is midnight, I'm watching a completely different set of television while I try to stay awake.

My favorite re-discovery? Cheaters. This crappy, low-budget show is broadcast on the U ("U's Got It!") at late, random hours. As you can discern from the title, Cheaters involved one partner's suspicions of the other, subsequent dramatized surveillance, and then a fiery showdown. The showdown is the best part, where the Cheaters host, the wronged partner and a camera crew confront the cheater (sometimes with beau/belle) while out on the town. In fact, during one said showdown, while trying to board a boat, host Joey Greco was actually stabbed by a Cheater. He's OK, though. Last week, he got arrested during the show thanks to a bar owner who didn't want his joint on Cheaters. Surprise. Good episode, though. The confrontation actually happened at a bachelorette party.

How in the hizzell does this apply to your Public Notice column, though? Because I am so dedicated to speeding your search for love, life, and happiness, I am duty-bound to report that now you can tap into the Cheaters community and find dates at I shit you not, playas. And it's FREE.

You can set up a profile in just two shakes and start looking for No Cheaters love. It's for a blue-collar crowd, I guess, because there are only a few occupation selections, such as technician and office help. By far, the No Cheaters crowd prefers the occupation "other." So, with my boo beside me, I started looking for No Cheaters on behalf of the ladies of Chicago.

It turns out that I am a 79 percent match with a fellow called "Jailbird." He hated "pride-having women," a fact which he reiterates several times. But on the flip side, he's got an open mind, noting that BBW should not be shy because he "has much love for you." Jailbird also claims to enjoy badminton and being treated like a king.

Then I find a very optimistic profile for a man called "tothefuture." He lives in the South Suburbs and appears to be a military man. Tothefuture calls himself an "active homebody" and talks again and again of his search for someone nice to love. It's a sweet dating profile, actually. Which makes it all the more sad that it's on NoCheatersDate.

I clicked to the next page of results and found a real winner, whose intro line is "cmon girls I know you want me." Want, indeed. This dude from Indiana (hey, I'm willing to drive) has the stunning good looks of a young Jesse Camp. And he's tall — 6'7". He claims to love his cats, cooking and family. And although he has an "other" job, he did graduate from high school. I bookmark him.

The next profile I click on is only because of the picture. A grinning guy in front of extremely tall, tacky trophies. His profile is like wedding vows, noting that he is searching for "someone looking for a dream to be true, we will have to work together to make it happen, but it will be great to do it side by side." He, like many other searchers, seeks a lady who will not cheat on him. You, sir, are in the right place.

Tired of Nerve? Sick of Match? Bored of Try

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking, gardening and being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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