Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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So, while sipping a glass of Brander "Nicholas" Sauvignon Blanc Cuvee that I picked up on my recent trip to Santa Barbara, I turned to my dude and said, "Dude, what should I write this week's Public Notice about?" and he gave it a think, scratched his chinny chin chin and said, "Whatever happened to that lady who wrote the tribute to Oprah?"

What, indeed!

Last July, I spied a little ad in the Trib's classies from Kelly Lynn Mercado, an East Coast singer songwriter. And I wrote a column about it. So take a moment to refresh your memory. Clink the link, pally. Refresh your memory? Go to the Web site and listen to Kelly Lynn's Oprah tribute ("You're Oprah! Living God's Dream!"). To die for.

Kelly Lynn has since focused solely on praise music. Which is a shame, because her crowning achievement was a dirty little fast food tune I mentioned last year called "Burger Jingle." She has taken this song down from her Web site, much to the chagrin of my co-workers, because we constantly sing it to each other. I'll quote you some lyrics:

When I get this feelin'
(Deep inside)
Gotta have a juicy burger
(Day or night)
Tomatoes, pickles, onions, lettuce
(Piled high!)
I want cheese on my sizzlin' burger
(My oh my)

Gimme that hamburger
That cheeseburger
Gimme that hamburger
That cheeseburger

I can smell it
I can taste it
Give it to me
I won't waste it

Yeah, it's a porn song about a burger. A foul little ditty. She's taken it down, replacing it with songs about Jesus, for Jesus, and to Jesus. It's the world's loss.

But this got me to thinking, "What about other columns in the past two years? What's become of those people/subjects?" Obviously, since I write about people that I don't know, I don't really have a method of tracking anybody. But I do hear from readers, and that's more important. I have received more than a dozen emails after a column I wrote about selling your eggs. In fact, just the other day, I got this very sad, desperate-sounding email:

I am in Serious debt and have been looking for a place to donate eggs... Id this still legal and do you know where I can find more information? Thanks so much!

I didn't reply. What can I say? That the people I know who have done this found that it came with quite a hefty emotional price tag, as well as a pot of cash? That it's legal for sure, but also a pain in the ass?

Since I commute to work on Metra, I often check to see how much action people are trying to get via Metropolitan Rail. Some, but not much is the answer. The train's just too much of older, married people more interested in checking the stocks or discussing dinner plans to make seductive eyes at anything. Which is disappointing. One GB reader shares my disappointment, writing that:

I moved to the far west side -- nearly Elmwood Park -- about 2 years ago. I was kinda psyched about the 18 minute commute downtown via Metra Rail -- it was like a real romantic. I even bought a book called "Now That's What I Call Commuting" that was written by Metra conductors about their various experiences over the years -- how dorky am I? Needless to say the book was terribly uninteresting -- much like my commute.

We at GB HQ were just tickled when the slow flame of love flickered at last weekend's third anniversary party for our little Web concern. Check out this ad that appeared a few days after the Hideout shindig:

Very tall gent at Gapers Block party last night - w4m Catching my eye and catching me off guard, you said something along the lines of "How are you this evening?" I mumbled the obligatory affirmative statement as you moved away. I was going to walk over to converse but you immediately left with your two friends. We're both notably above the median age of the GP partygoers. How about starting a conversation this time?

CL writer! CL reader! What happened? Did it work out? Did he read this? Did you see her, too? Write in and tell your Public Notice lady all about it?

And you, fair reader, if you spy an ad that catches your eye, write in. If an ad you find makes it into a column, I'll send you a free, super-cool Gapers Block button!

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking, gardening and being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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