Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Saturday, March 2

Gapers Block

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Oh, summer, when all of Chicago wants to eat too much, drink to much, and canoodle too much. (Yeah, I said “canoodle.” Sue me, Perez Hilton.) But as this season’s rays begin to die and autumn’s chill looms large, my thoughts turn to what we’ll give up once it’s scarf season again.

WANTED Little People (DWARFS)
Licensed and bonded entertainment agency searching for little people.NO PROSTITUTION Nudity optional Must be 18 years or over.You will make well over $2000.00 cash a weekend GUARANTEED.Email photo with contact information.We will train or call 1-773-XXX-XXXX

I’m not sure what job (a) requires a little person (b) pays $2K a month and c) requires no training. But since I found this ad (and all of the ads in this week’s column) in the Adult Gigs section of Craig’s List, I have some ideas. Curiously, all my ideas involve a tub of Soy Garden vegan margarine and a penguin.

Glory hole girls needed
shape, 18 - 39 (Verification needed). For more details and consideration please reply with a phone number and a photo.

Pay is $$$

Now, I’m not shooting my annual glory-hole wrap-up column wad. I’m not. I’m just a little curious as to why an ad for gals to staff a g-hole even bothers to ask for a photo. And wouldn’t this be a funny little trick if your pay was actually three pieces of paper on which the hole owner had written a dollar sign? Because then, instead of a dirty ad, this would be a fun cautionary tale that would keep girls from leaving their small towns. You know, like in "Footloose" or something.

Nude Sushi Model
Looking for female to act as nude sushi model for private party. Must be at least 18 and attractive. The sushi will obviously be placed on your body for guests to eat off of however nothing private will be hidden by the sushi art. This will be 100% nudity. if interested reply with contact email, age, and full body/face photo.

I’m as bourgeois as the next blogger, but come on, kids. “Sushi art”? Sushi “art”? Let’s all join the “WTF?” club. The dues are a sarcastic eye rolls and, curiously again, a tub of Soy Garden vegan margarine. No need for the penguin on this one.

ISO Female French Tudor asap 150 reasons
I want to meet a talented french tudor asap. I'm an extremely clean fit white male. You're an Attractive female, very clean, great body - busty a plus... You enjoy a light spanking, massage and give great french lessons.. 150 reasons.... email photo's and stat's to or call 224 XXX XXXX

This ad caught my eye, clearly, because I’m sure this young man seeks a tutor and not a chick dressed up at Elizabeth I or another member of the Tudor dynasty. I am stumped on the 150 reasons, though. Other than French lessons, spankings, crinolines, and early death, what is there?

Jello Wrestling Girls Needed @ EDITED !
We're still looking to fill the remaining spots for participants.

Here's the details...

**$50(+) for participating.
**$50(+) bonus to the winner.
**Complimentary bar tab. (Free Drinks)
**Private wash area to clean and change clothes.
**21+ preferred, although ages 18-20 may be allowed.
**Matches with friends is allowed and encouraged. In other words, we can work it out so you're only wrestling your friends.
**Participants must arrive by 8:30pm.


Please reply with your FIRST & LAST NAME and TELEPHONE NUMBER. MySpace pages are also preferred.

Check, check, check. Yeah, Name of Bar Removed, this would have been the best misc. Adult Gig ever. I especially like the part about complimentary bar tab a.k.a. free booze. Thanks for dumbing it down for me. Too bad I saw it after the event took place. However, I’ve added this category to my RSS reader and as god as my witness, I will never not know about and possible opt to participate in this gelatin wrestling nonsense again. Because this is America. And this is what Americans do.

Or something. Now, where’s my wool wrap and pencil skirt? Fall’s a-comin’.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo is a Chicago-based writer. She enjoys her Motorola Q, her Neutrogena Light Night Cream, and her Whole Foods Tangerine Italian soda.
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