Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Sunday, March 3

Gapers Block

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While I write this, our cat Natasha is perched on my right arm, with her tail draped over my left arm. She's swishing it back and forth across the keys. I had to type that last sentence twice.

I can't imagine not having a cat. But not so much a dog. And it's all because of this theory on the differences between cats and dogs. Dogs are whores. They'll lick anything and let anyone pet them. Cats, though. You get a cat to love you, and you will know you've really accomplished something.

Lately, there's a very wide array of pets turning up in the classifieds. Is it because people are moving? Becoming spontaneously allergic? I'm not sure. But if you are at all in the market for a pet, there's a lot of them out there. And don't be a jackass and buy a pet. Because purebred or not, it will still shit on your rug.

Please support your local animal shelter, or even answer a classified.

HEDGEHOGS! TWO BEAUTIFUL albino Pygmy Hedgie boys need good homes. $80 adoption fee includes cage, wheel, and cubby home. Chipped. (Chicago Reader)

After I read this, I said to my co-worker through our cube dividers, "Hey, you in the market for a hedgehog?"

He took a long pause before he answered, "You mean Ron Jeremy?"

I chuckled and answered, "No, the other kind."

He considered before saying, "Then no. No, thank you."

TWO BROTHER CATS need a new home. Fiancee is very allergic. They are sweet, gentle, and loving. They cuddle, sleep, and play together. New owner gets food and supplies. Please help us out! 773-000-0000. Search for Geordi and Worf at (Chicago Reader)

I am very happy that a man who would consider naming his pets Geordi and Worf found love. So I can almost understand why he would chuck them in order to please his fiancée. It's a fine line he's walking. One on hand, he's being considerate, and is good mate material. But on the other, he's pussywhipped.

But since she's allergic, and since I'm sure his road to love was long, are two cats much to give up? I wish this man a long life with his lady love.

Miko the Cat should have a better home.

We are giving away our cat "Miko". Our band probably makes the cat miserable, and with five guys coming and going she gets very little attention. We have to leave town every so often, and leaving the cat alone is just torture. She is a "Calico" cat (grey, orange, white with black tiger stripes). Miko is amazingly friendly (considering we don't pay much attention to her) and would probably like to play at some point in her life. She has had all her shots, declawed, etc... and apparently takes great care of herself. We are always suprised that the house is in perfect condition when we come home.

We cannot see ourselves bringing Miko to the humane society so if anyone is looking for an extremely pleasant pet, please feel free to come and get her. (Chicago Craig's List)

Poor Miko. Poor little Miko, mewing at the door when her tattooed, indie-rock owners go away to play. Yes, Miko will be adopted, and by a lovely girl who spends a lot of time at home reading. Miko will flourish. She will learn how to play catch. And at a show a few months down the road, her owners will plug in an amp they hadn't used in some time. Halfway through their show, they'll be choked off stage by the stench of stale cat urine.

Free Hampsters

Free hampsters to loving homes. Excellent entertainment for the family and kids. (Craig's List Chicago)

One Christmas, I got my roommate Deanne a hamster. She named her Yule. Yule liked to roll around our apartment inside a clear plastic ball. While rolling around, Yule would piss and shit inside the ball. Sometimes, she would get out of the ball and I'd have to corner her and holler for Deanne to pick her up. Yule felt creepy. And because hamsters have short life spans, Yule died. And Deanne wanted to give her a proper burial, but was too busy to go bury her in the park. So she wrapped her up in foil and sealed her in Tupperware.

So, yes, I would say that hamsters are, indeed, entertaining for the whole family.

Ad of the Week:

i need various wedding services

i am trying to put together a sponsored wedding. i have had a lot fo luck so far but i still need a few things. if you are interested in proving thses services for me at a mega discounted rate or for free in exchange for advertisiing space at my wedding contact me for further details. what i still need. carriage, limo, bridesmaids dresses, photographer, thank you very much for your support (Craig's List Chicago)

Congratulations to my fiancé's sister who is getting married this weekend. I am very excited to say that the future Mrs. Pete Neely's wedding has not been sponsored by Bacardi, David's House of Bridal, nor DJ Pros of Wilmette.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking, and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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