This summer, I attended a wedding that prominently featured the song "Eye of the Tiger" in a completely un-ironic way. As I settled in to my wedding salad (iceberg and romaine, tomato wedge, carrot curls), I looked around to take stock of this All-American wedding and to see whether the Holy Trinity was present: big ol' cake on prominent display, older woman as hot tamale, and single women with their bronzed girls out and on fluffy display. Check, check andcheck.

Eye of the tiger? More like "Hungry Like the Wolf."

Last year, a fella posted an ad advertising his services as a wedding date. I met and interviewed this guy for Public Notice, even drinking something nasty called a boilerplate with him. And although I'm unsure as to whether or not he was ever hired, it seems that his service is in high demand.

I need a date next Saturday - 32
I'm going to a wedding reception 8/06 but lost my date (long story) so I need a new one. Someone who likes dancing, educated, social, confident, and hungry! The reception is actually a double-reception. First stop for a casual drink, the second at a fancy North side restaurant/club. I don't anticipate that anything other than conversation, eating, and dancing will occur. No expectations, no strings.

This ad does not mention whether the poster is a woman or man, or what this poster is seeking. I'm sure that fun little omission made for some interesting exchanges with potential candidates. But let's back it up. You lost your date. OK. Unless your date is at the bottom of a well, with a broken leg and no cell phone, what can you do about it? Just go alone. Be fun, talk to strangers. Go alone. Be happy, eat two pieces of cake. Go alone!

Wedding Date - m4w - 43
I need a date for a wedding on Saturday August 6th. The woman I take must be able to show that she is extremely interested in me. I am 5'10"" 175 lbs, fit, brown hair, brown eyes, olive tan skin. So if you think we could pull it off write back (picture would be nice). I'm willing to pay $300 dollars.

Either this dude's ex is getting married or his ex is in the wedding party and bringing her new boyfriend. Oh, or this poster is gay. Honesty is nice. Just say what's up and you might not even need to pay anyone. Unlike the "I lost my date" ad above, this man sounds like a friend in need. Who hasn't wanted to show someone up or shut someone up? Can nobody help this guy out?

Oh, wait, this is also the plot line to that Debra Messing-Dermot Mulroney box office bomb, "The Wedding Date." Hire a prostitute, sir. Worked out for everyone's favorite gay-pal, Grace Adler!

Wedding in September??? - 32
Just thought I'd give this a try....I'm going to be attending a wedding in September...I'll also be a groomsman in the wedding!!! The wedding is up in Door County, Wisconsin....If anyone is interested in having a fun weekend in north Wisconsin at the wedding, drop me a line! Don't worry, I'm a normal guy, 6', Ivy league educated, etc.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

The phrasing of this ad is interesting. He could just look for a girl to date, and then ask her to this wedding. But he's got his endgame already on the table, which makes the whole thing more daunting. And I would certainly hope that this Brown or Harvard grad would have figured out that as soon as you say "Don't worry. I'm normal" in a personals ad, it's curtains for you.

Ladies, don't respond. And if you do, don't come crying to me when you're up a cherry tree wearing a plushy panda head, high as a kite on something Mr. Ivy League put in your drink.

SWM will pay $500 to accompany me to a wedding (Trophy girl) - 39
That's right. I will pay you $500 to accompany me to a wedding.The wedding is in the Chicago area October 15th. Please reply with picture.

Uh, oh! Has the Blindfolded Brazilian Cocksucker found a new way to snooker the Chicago CL community?

RE: $500 Wedding Date
BEWARE DO NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH THIS PSYCHO! IT'S A TRICK AND A SCAM-THERE IS NO WEDDING AND NO MONEY!

Oh, people.

Nothing is ever this easy. You need a date, you need money. Don't ever rely on the Classifieds for a quick fix. Trust your friends. Develop some common sense. But don't be afraid to show up to some dumb wedding alone. Be the fabulous single girl who flits from bee to bee. And you guys? Be the go-to dancer who gets cosmos for the group. Don't expect anything. Don't reek desperation. And don't fucking apologize for not being plus one.

Cool?