Seek Ye First the Kingdom of Classified

The way I litter my vocabulary with "cocksuckers" and "asshats," it may come as no surprise that I don't necessarily buy into the whole Jesus thing. I don't begrudge anyone a little bit of Jesus (even you glory hole enthusiasts!) -- just don't ask me to chug godblood or snack on Jeezits with you.

I can remember getting a phone call from my mom a few years back. She'd recently placed some ad thanking St. Jude for something undoubtedly nutty. But my mom is not alone; the classifieds are riddled with folks paying homage to the big guy in the sky or one of his minions.

THANKS, ST. JUDE, for all the help. (Chicago Reader)

Yeah, Jude. I totally appreciate you giving me a hand on that drywall. It was tough work, especially in that nook under the stairs, but it was good times. Just a couple of dudes, knockin' back some Sam Adams, hanging some drywall. You're all right, St. Jude. All right.

MAY THE SACRED Heart of Jesus be praised, loved and adored, worshipped and glorified throughout the world, now and forever. Amen (Chicago Reader)

Is that too much? Praised, loved, and adored? Gimme, gimme, gimme. And you just know that "Jesus" put this in himself. He probably voted for himself for student council dance committee chair, too.

LET US FIX our eyes on Jesus. (Hebrews 12:2) (Sun-Times)

But not too closely. You can go blind that way. Better to construct a pinhole viewer so you can see Jesus safely.

Remember, Jesus will come again, but you only have one retina. Per eye.

YOU HAVE EVERYTHING WHEN YOU HAVE CHRIST. COLOSSIANS 2:10 (Sun-Times)

There's the rub. You can't really have Christ. Didn't they tell you in Bible class? He's for everyone. And YELLING isn't going to change that.

The Way to Heaven You must be born again. Pray: Jesus Save Me from my Sins. 666-666-0666. (Sun-Times)

I'm not calling this number. But you can. And when you're in heaven with your big-ass phone bill from this $5.99 per minute call, we'll see who's laughing. One man's heaven is another man's sacred cash cow.

Ad of the Week:

skinniest guy in Chicago - m4m - 46

I'm looking for the skinniest man in Chicago. I weigh 310 pounds. Ijust want to hang out with him. This is serious.

For what? Incentive? Personal shame value? Or maybe to spread the mayonnaise-y love? Whatever floats your boat.