Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Tuesday, April 16

Gapers Block

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Does your summer lifestyle need a cash flow injection? Of course it does. Those Ribfest drink tickets and board shorts and aren’t going to buy themselves. This week’s Public Notice brings you a few ideas for how to pick up some extra coin via whoring yourself out to focus groups and medical tests. Just try to ignore the side effects.

Teen Couples Needed
Roosevelt University researchers seek teenage (aged 15-19) couples for research on romantic relationships. Each person can earn up to $20 and your personal info stays confidential. Parent consent needed if less than 18 years old. Interviews may be conducted in downtown Chicago or Schaumburg, IL. For more info, please call (312) XXX-XXXX, then press 2; or email [edited]

Sandra wished, as many people do, for access to a time machine. Because she would take that time machine back a few months to when she devised this stupid research project on teen relationships. Present Sandra would take Past Sandra out for some beers and carefully explain to her the serious and ridiculous drawbacks of talking to teenagers about love for several hours out of every day for months. In fact, Present Sandra was so into the idea of talking to Past Sandra that she actually wrote this list on a Post-it:

  • The kids rarely show up.
  • When they do, all they do is fight or make out.
  • The girls do most of the talking.
  • Teenage boys are not desirable in any way.
  • The girls wear too much eye makeup.
  • I hate the word “tight” as a synonym for “cool.”

Women with Severe PMS Needed!$100
Researchers at Rush University Medical Center are looking for participants in a study of severe PMS. Your participation in the study will help to advance scientific understanding of women’s menstrual cycles and factors associated with PMS. Women who complete the study will receive $100.

There is a 5-minute phone interview to determine eligibility. If interested, please e-mail Katherine at [edited] with your name and daytime telephone number.

Priscilla cashed her $100 check and thought about what to do it. Something thematically significant. Maybe use it to pay for a three-month supply of oral contraceptives. Or a lot of Advil and Ben and Jerry’s. In the street, she looked at the lone bill in her hand and decided to buck stereotype. She turned and re-entered the bank and deposited the $100 in her IRA account.

Smokers for Market Research Study
We are seeking males and females between the ages of 21-25 for market research focus groups on the topic of cigarettes. All respondents must be regular smokers of Marlboro brand cigarettes.

The groups are being held in Downtown Chicago on June 13 (Wednesday).

If you are interested, register at www.[edited].com

Reed hated the smoking focus groups the most. Any time his center conducted focus groups for brands, only the most loyal users came. And when they did the smoking groups, every participant always reeked of smoke. What was even worse than the monstrous stank was Reed’s hangover. As the bile rose in his throat and sent him scrambling for a trash can, Reed swore he would never drink Jager with that asshole Tom from maintenance again.

Subjects Wanted: Night Shift Study
Healthy people, normal sleepers, aged 18-45 wanted for a study on working at night and sleeping during the day. You must not currently be working night shifts. This study takes 5 weeks and you will always sleep at home.

For the first 3 weeks, you will sleep from 11pm to 7am.
The final 2 weeks will include 8 night shifts from 10:30pm to 7am.
After the night shifts, you may be required to sleep during the day from 8:30am to 3:30pm.
Therefore, you must have a flexible schedule that allows you to sleep during the day.
Earn $2000 after the study is completed.
Free parking in attached garage for all lab visits.
Start Dates: June 18th, July 9th, July 23rd, August 13th

To get more information: email [edited] OR call 312-XXX-XXXX and leave your name, phone number, and email address anytime. We respond most quickly to email. Please indicate the study name in you email response.

Charlotte worked as a freelance proofreader and had an extremely flexible schedule. And she liked to keep her mind and body guessing, whether through mixing up her schedule or the occasional drug experiment. She slid through the screening process and everything went fine for the first four weeks. But in the last week, all of a sudden, Charlotte couldn’t sleep at all. Seventy-two hours into week five, Charlotte’s world seemed to be coated in glitter and her body felt like it was burning. Seventy-eight hours into week five, she fell asleep in her bathtub and woke up 12 hours later with a raging head cold.

Participants Wanted: Male social drinkers ages 21-30
Male social drinkers ages 21-30 are needed for research examining the effects of alcohol on task performance.

If you participate you will take part in a 5 to 7 hour session in our laboratory at the University of Illinois at Chicago.

During this session you will be asked to complete tasks involving hypothetical decisions and reaction time, among other things. You may also be asked to consume alcohol during the session.

You will be compensated $50 for your participation.

If you are interested in participating, or would like more information, call the Substance Use Research Laboratory at (312) 413-8863.

Edward was on his fifth beer, which was resting on the console of the video simulator he was steering down a suburban street. He thought he was doing pretty good, at least compared to the guy in the next simulator over, also on his fifth beer, who couldn’t even stay on the road. Edward felt that he was pretty awesome at the drunk-driving thing, although he totally wouldn’t do it in real life. He didn’t even have a car. Maybe he’d bike drunk, but only on a trail. “Hey, that girl handing out the beers is kind of cute.” Edward crashed the simulator into a bush and went over to chat with her.

What are you buying with your cheddar this summer? The fifth, funny answer sent to me at sb AT gapersblock DOT com gets something fun from the Gapers Block Grab Bag. Could be a CD, could be a t-shirt. Could be a box of dead cicadas. Whatevs.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett? She's a founding editor of Gapers Block. You can also find her at Use Your Hands. If you see her, tell her about the best part of your day today.
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