Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Tuesday, July 16

Gapers Block

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"What's this magazine about? Trading and boobs?"


"They also have an article about high-end speakers."

So you have Trader Monthly, a brand-new publication for the young flashy trader on the go. A mixture of Maxim and Forbes, targeted to guys who make more than $400,000 a year and blow every cent of it, Trader Monthly features this Gordon Gecko-esque tagline: See It, Make It, Spend It.

Although it's published out of New York (by Magnus Greaves, a dude who looks uncannily like a white Suge Knight), Trader Monthly features many articles on the Chicago trading community, and its pages are littered with quotes and anecdotes from Windy City traders.

I am not a trader, nor a member of the trader community. I do not love the movies Wall Street or its bastard imitator Boiler Room. I do not do coke in my private jet and I do not buy $10,000 watches for my bosses at Christmas. So Trader Monthly isn't written for me. I get that. But if the magazine is an accurate reflection of the trader community, then I'm keeping my cash under my bed from now on. Trader Monthly uses a vocab collected from '80s power-tie moguls, "The Sopranos" and pussy-hunting lad mags. It's an unsettling combination made a thousand times worse by a mish-mash of ads from conservative financial services companies (most of them from Refco Securities, which seems to have purchased the initial issue of Trader Monthly outright), glitzy booze and luxury goods, and snot-ass private jets.

Perhaps the Trader Monthly section most germane to this column -- and one of the best parts of the magazine -- is Trader Dater. Each month, the fine folks at Trader Monthly pony up a hot chick who's looking to date/fuck/marry a rich trader. This month's selection is Lindsey, a 23-year-old "sales counselor" from Dallas. In her photo, Lindsey lounges on a very uncomfortable looking rock and sports a barely-there sundress. She's fit and boasts that while her abs are to die for, she "also offers a nice view from behind." Our gal Linds used to model "an abdominal machine" and likes guys who are spontaneous -- you know, like when you take her on a week-long cruise at the spur of the moment.

Just one "trader dater" is featured per month, but before you start wringing your hands and jonesing for more high-priced poontang, let me mention that you can find hundreds (!) of money-hungry lovelies waiting to hear from you, you filthy-lucred trading genius, at Trader Monthly's Web concern,

Taking a close second place to Trader Dater is a section called Insider Info (SEC wit, get it?). Here, we're treated to a spread of photos from the Chicago launch party, held at the Hard Rock Hotel and "co-hosted" by Elite Models. And by "co-hosted," it seems that they supplied hot chicks for easy canoodling. But there's one photo that's the real winner. Three everyday guys clad well-cut suits and a model named Coco ("one name only... like Charo" quips Trader Monthly). Coco -- bless her hot, wet, throbbing heart -- has some of the fakest breasts I've ever seen showily cantilevered inside a fine gauge sweater. And she looks exactly like Sheryl Crow -- face-wise -- not that you'd ever get that far.

While the magazine has a majority of actual financial content, including stories about master traders, heavily traded securities, trade psychology and more, there's a few more aspects of Trader Monthly you shouldn't overlook. If you're in a pickle with your wife or your goomah (See? Sopranos.) , Trader Monthly offers tips on how to "buy your way out of the doghouse." Which, it seems, is best done with a $95,000 Cartier oval-cut diamond ring. Or when you totally shoot your expense account wad, you can crow about it in Absurd Receipts. Show off your exorbitant strip club, bar or restaurant tab -- but only if it's in the thousands.

Oh, also, if you want to pick up a copy of Trader Monthly, it will cost you $10 -- $100 for the year. But if you're a trader, you can get a free year subscription. The high price weeds out the chaff, I guess. I got my copy from a delightful Gapers Block reader, Mark Doyle, who isn't a trader but does work in the trader community -- and he thought the magazine was ridiculous, too. I would never, ever pay $10 for this magazine, but I highly recommend picking it up it's free. Trader Monthly is a fascinating look into a world I am not quite convinced exists.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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