Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
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Tuesday, April 16

Gapers Block

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I've been speding a lot of time on MySpace lately. Which is weird, right, because I'm not in a band or in college. But I just realized that MySpace has classifieds! Oh, and you know how your little Public Notice gal loves her classifieds!

Before I clicked to read the classifieds, I took a moment to hypothesize as to what I'd find. Would there be testosterone-filled teenage boys from the suburbs? High school girls looking for boys way too old for them? An inexplicable ad from an old guy?


Date: Jan 5, 2006 09:27 PM
Subject: 16 year old male, looking for fun girl
Location: Naperville

looking for a Girl that is pretty, sweet, and romantic and isnt afraid to be physically and very emotionally attached and is willing to fall in love.

I'm pretty sure this ad was written by committee. And by "committee" I'm thinking a bunch of high school boys were sitting in a rec room watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force with way too much Mountain Dew in their veins. One of the guys starts talking about his girlfriend's boobs. But in the corner, there's Evan, who's never even kissed a girl. He's the nice guy of the group. The one who takes the ugly friend of the pretty girl to the dance so she doesn't feel left out. While the rest of the guys start in on who is the hottest chick at Naperville North, Evan takes out his laptop and quietly posts this ad.

Date: Jan 6, 2006 06:23 PM
Subject: looking for a cutie to play with
Location: Cary, IL

I'm just a guy looking to have a good time with a cutie that's interested in a no strings situation. Just fun and hanging out occasionally. Friends with benefits if you will. Feel free to request a pic if you're interested.

I can't wait to hear from you

One night, "American Pie" was on Comedy Central. Pete was pissed because of course they didn't show the Shannen Elizabeth topless scene. Over the commercials, Pete, Seth and Bryan started joking with each other about who was going to lose their virginity first. Right now, Bryan was the closest because he'd gotten this really lame handjob from his cousin's best friend at Christmas. Pete had made out with Samantha, like, three times and felt her breasts once. Seth only kissed Trish goodbye after Sadie Hawkins. None of them had girlfriends. And by the end of the year, even after the ad, that wouldn't have changed. But they were all going to be lifeguards in Barrington this summer.

Date: Jan 13, 2006 05:38 PM
Subject:looking for a guy from 16 to 28
Location: Hoffman Estates

Yo im looking for a guy 16 to 28 im a girl who just loves to have fun....i can be hyper lol.....i just want a guy who will be there for me and treat me the way they would want to be treated i like to party, go to concerts and clubs, i love to dance!!!! if you want to chat or if you are interested IM me on AIM, yahoo or IM me on here my AIM name is XXXXXX.....and yahoo XXXXXXXXXXX

When Ashley slouched through the door after school, she immediately and turned on the TV and computer. Like always. Until her mother walked in. She didn't say anything, just looked at Ashley.

Ashley started to get really nervous. Who died? But her mom just came and sat by her on the couch. She put her arm around her daughter and took the clicker out of her hand. She flipped through channels until she found some cartoons. Ashley loved it when her mother stroked her hair, but she hadn't done it in forever. So they sat there for hours, watching TV, with their heads resting on each other.

Date: Jan 5, 2006 08:24 AM
Subject: Not Here To Play
Location: Chicago

Looking for a woman in the Chicago area that is looking to meet someone for a serious relationship. Please drop me a line.

So, the dude who posted this ad also posted his photo. He looks like the very angry owner of a Jiffy Lube. He is in his late forties, easy. Although he might have done better if he'd posted at, Kaycee thought he might be good for her mom. So she replied for her. They exchanged emails for a month, until he suggested that they meet. Kaycee got her mom to go out to dinner with her at Red Robin. After their Cokes showed up, Kaycee disappeared to the bathroom for an hour. When she came back, her mother was weeping into her salad-bar salad, wondering how old she must look that her kid fixed her up with a 48-year-old. She's only 37 for God's sake.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo Bisnett loves ironing, baking and gardening. She is married to a pretty cool dude. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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