Gapers Block has ceased publication.

Gapers Block published from April 22, 2003 to Jan. 1, 2016. The site will remain up in archive form. Please visit Third Coast Review, a new site by several GB alumni.
 Thank you for your readership and contributions. 


Sunday, March 3

Gapers Block

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Come over here, baby. Sit your fine booty down and let me lay my finest love trip on your superb, sexified booty. Yes, for it is Valentine's Day, and we are a couple. And here is my gift to you. It is a good gift. So if you don't have sex with me, you should feel guilty. Maybe, even, I'll try to bonk that chick from the parking garage. I swear to God. I'll take her out for quesadillas and buy her a few agave margaritas. Maybe I'll take Charisse, my boss' admin, too. And if you're lucky, baby, they'll say no to the three-way I suggest. Hey, it's the only way I'm picking up the check for their tight, drunk asses, right?

You know? I love you, baby.

Are you looking for a gift for your sweetie? Here are some ideas. I've even taken the liberty of telling you what your boo will say when you hand it over. You'll just never win with Valentine's Day.

PIT BULL PUPS, Gorgeous Brown & Black, Tiger Stripes, also known as Brindles, Big Heads, 4 M's, 3 F's, 6 wks. olds, shots, dewormed, $250. 773-XXX-XXXX (Sun Times)

Oh, God, Tim. You'll never guess what happened to Peaches while you were in San Diego. She must have just fallen into the tub when I ran downstairs to switch out the laundry. Oh, Tim. I'm sorry. I know you really wanted a pit bull. You know, Tim, I was washing your shirts when Peaches died. I'm not saying it was your fault, though. Maybe next year, we can just go to Nordstrom, though.

Early 1900's Walnut Upright Piano, Have No Room, Noone Plays, $350 Obo. 630-XXX-XXXX(Sun Times)

You are the cruelest man alive. I hope that you die -- and soon. Although I do admire your style. If you wanted to break up with me, you could have, you know, just broken up with me. But no. You buy a fucking player piano through the classifieds. And you Glue-Stick the ad on the lid, carefully highlighting "have no room." Nice. At least with the Glue Stick, I can get the ad off, resell the player piano, and buy some awesome shoes. And shoes? Yeah, they don't come in their pants all the time.

AMOS (n) ANDY 72 COMPLETE Episodes VHS $55 or DVD's, $105. Also, Compl. Set Of Charlie Chan Movies & More, 708-XXX-XXXX (Sun Times)

Yeah, I like the radio. But I like public radio. Like Car Talk. This American Life. Not old time radio. I hate that crap. Amos and Andy. Twilight Zone. Fibber McGee and Molly? Are you kidding me? You don't know me at all. Did you not hear me singing that freakin' Helzberg Diamonds song "I gotta mojo box"?

HOT TUB CHEMICAL FREE '04, still in wrapper, Ozonater, lights, full warr. cover & del. incl. retail $4999, sell $2750, 708-XXX-XXXX (Sun Times)

Oh, Kevin. Oh, Kevin! This is just too much. Let's use it tonight. I'll get the Cook's out and put some Shania on. Let's make it last, baby. I love you, Kevin.

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About the Author(s)

Shylo loves ironing, baking and dancing naked. She dreams of being a naughty housewife. Let her know what you think about Public Notice at .

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